A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How do I tell my young daughter that she was conceived while her father was/is married and has a family to another?
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female
reader, Love_is +, writes (13 January 2011):
To: ‘A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011):’
Thank you for taking the time to write to me and to share your experience. This means a lot to me and I appreciate you giving me this very meaningful insight from your point of view.
Yes, the whole experience you have described is worse than terrible. The pain you have experienced is worse than terrible, as is the pain that your Mother and your siblings have been through.
Were you able to get any understanding or explanation from your father as to why he did what he did? You mentioned that you often wonder what became of your half brothers or sisters? Do you feel a connection with them? As you know, they are connected to you, and they are also innocent just as you and your Mother are. They may have been lied to as well, and the way they found out may have been a complete emotional shock to them also.
You have said to me: ‘I think you will be very selfish to want /to encourage your daughter to have a relationship with his kids from his marriage.’
I have to say that do not want, or wish to encourage my daughter to have any such relationship. All I want is to be completely honest with her, that is all. I will not fabricate the truth when she is old enough to understand. I do not in any way wish to interfere with the wife and children of my daughters father. I can not stop, however, the choices my daughter makes when she is an adult. All I can do is to guide her, and educate her about the potential consequences of the choices of her actions that she may wish to take.
You have said to me: ‘it is so easy for you to judge his wife but have you stopped and considered that she is a human being?’
It is not appropriate for me to judge his wife. I don’t know her as a person. All I know is that she has a certain medical condition that is not her fault. I do not judge people I do not know, and I would be unjustified to do so. I am not a shallow person and there are always two sides to every story. I am not sure why you think that I have not stopped to consider that his wife is a human being. I believe I have not indicated such a thought in my writings here. There is a saying: ‘Those that Judge don’t Matter and Those that Matter don’t Judge.‘
You have said to me: ‘Perhaps if you tried looking at your affair through different eyes will you know what it is to be on the other side.’
I think it is very important to mentally put yourself into the shoes of other people. This is how we are humbled and find compassion in our hearts. We are, all of us, human beings with feelings…no matter what our position in society, colour of our skin, religious preference, marriage status, or whether we are rich or poor. We, all of us, enter the world in the very same way and leave the world when our bodies can no longer house our spirit. I am not a superficial person and I fell in love with a man who relentlessly pursued me. Yes, a man who was not available in the eyes of our society due to him going through a marriage ceremony, saying marriage vows and signing a marriage certificate. This is a fact. Human feelings are human feelings regardless of society’s book of rules. This is a fact too. We are merely human. Humans have made the rules. The essence of what makes us human was in existence way before there were any rules made by humans. Therefore the true nature and emotional essence of human beings are the core drive of all of us and generally can not be suppressed by the rules that govern.
You have said to me: ‘You have this woman's husband, why rub the evidence of his adultery in their face.?’
I want to make it clear that I don’t have this woman’s husband. We have a friendship and we have a daughter together. That is the sum of it. I do not know where you got the idea I want to ‘rub the evidence of his adultery in their (family’s) face?’. As I have said before, I do not want to interfere with his family, and I have no intention of ever doing this.
You have said to me: ‘Please re think your thoughts in one day introducing your daughter to your married lovers children. They should not be put through hell just because you want your daughters existence acknowledged.’
I have no such thoughts. I have not stated this.
You have said to me: ‘The ultimate humiliation for my mother was to first pay child support before putting food on our table.’
This is truly a horrifying thing for your Mother and your family to have gone through! I can’t even begin to imagine the true extent of the pain that your Mum and your family endured. I don’t fully understand why she had to pay child support?. This is just terrible and extremely unfair for your poor Mum! No wonder you habour such resentment. I don’t blame you for feeling so hurt and upset about this. You must feel robbed.
You have said to me: ‘The image of my mothers face, tears rolling down her cheeks is a constant reminder that adulterers and their mistresses care nothing for the innocent, decent,faithful wives and their equally innocent kids.’
Seeing your mother in this emotional turmoil must have been absolutely heartbreaking for you! You must have felt sick to your stomach. I’m so sorry you have this terribly painful memory. But to say that ‘adulterers and their mistresses care nothing for the innocent’ is a generalisation. Perhaps your father was torn apart with sadness and guilt. Perhaps your father loved your mother passionately and deeply but did not have those feelings reciprocated. It doesn’t mean he cared nothing for his family! I’m sure he loved you all with all his heart and cared very very much for his family. He did not leave your Mother to be with his mistress I gather? Perhaps the mistress was a shoulder to cry on and someone he could talk to about anything. Perhaps the mistress was living in torment for falling in love with your father knowing they could never be a happy family together. I’m just guessing of course, but there are all manner of scenarios that could be imagined that are not factual, and there are always two sides to a story.
There are decent people out there in the world, and some not so decent people out there. Some people have respect, and others have less respect than would be desired of them. There are some wives who cheat on their husbands and have other men’s babies without their knowledge. All children are innocent no matter what their circumstances. I care very much for the innocent. I care very much about the feelings of others. I believe that everyone wants and needs to be loved and has the right to be.
I’m so sorry for the pain you have endured for all of these years. I just want to wish you well. I wish you happiness, because in life, it means everything to be happy. Life can be so unfair, but we must make the most of what we have. There is always someone worse or better off than ourselves. We must try to keep smiling, as in the process, we can make ourselves feel happier.
Once again, thank you for taking the time to share your very personal experience with me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): My father had a mistress just like you. He also had illegitimate kids and I will always remember my mother opening the door one morning and 2 teenagers stood there asking to see their father. My mothers whole world crumbled. I often wonder what became of my fathers offsprings. I do not feel any guilt or sadness that they were not part of our lives. The torment, pain, humiliation and devastation my mother went through will always stay with me. I wonder whether mistresses like you realise what you do to the married mans family when you live secret lives with them.
Prepays it is so easy for you to judge his wife but have you stopped and considered that she is a human being? That she hurts just like you? That her so called husband is nothing but a lying cheater? Perhaps if you tried looking at your affair through different eyes will you know what it is to be on the other side.
I think you will be very selfish to want /to encourage your daughter to have a relationship with his kids from his marriage. I think this secret should be kept a secret. You have this woman's husband, why rub the evidence of his adultery in their face.
Please re think your thoughts in one day introducing your daughter to your married lovers children. They should not be put through hell just bec you want your daughters existence acknowledged.
I know personally we suffered: we didn't have much/any money growing up. The ultimate humiliation for my mother was to first pay child support before putting food on our table.(Yes there were other illegitimate children). This was an eye opener for me.
Personally I am now in my 40s and I do not care to know or acknowledge my fathers illegitimate children. The image of my mothers face, tears rolling down her cheeks is a constant reminder that adulterers and their mistresses care nothing for the innocent, decent,faithful wives and their equally innocent kids.
I do not wish my worse enemy the above. We lived the life with my fathers illegitimate kids rocking up and our lives were rocked!
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A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (6 January 2011):
 Glad to help out. Best of luck in dealing with this difficult situation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): Hi LV, You're welcome, I think sometimes it's just good to get advice from someone on the outside.
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A
female
reader, Love_is +, writes (6 January 2011):
In response to DB and Vintage64: Thanks again DB I am seriously considering all that you have shared with me. The experience your GF has had is very poignant and I have taken this onboard. Vintage64, I thank you for your reply. I’m so pleased to hear that your son has had no problems arising from your family situation due to the way in which you and your husband handled it. This is uplifting to say the least. Your son is very fortunate to have good parents like yourselves.Honesty, and I have now learned that keeping my answers simple in the beginning, are key to the approaching years of pending questions that will arise for my daughter. Letting my daughter know that she can always ask me anything is also good advice.It’s very heartening to know that there are people out there in the world like you both, who are kind and caring enough to listen, and prepared to take the time to offer your own experiences and advice for those of us out there who need it…Many Thanks to you both!!..LVis
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A
female
reader, Love_is +, writes (6 January 2011):
NB: I am the previous anonymous asker of this question. I see that I am now appearing as my newly registered self!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): My husband is not my sons 'father' but I always say he is his dad. My son was just under one year old, when I met him and the way we handled it was to tell him the truth, when he asked a question, which he first did when he was 4. Tell her as simple as possible, don't go into details they don't need it at that age, you can tell her more as your daughter ages. Make sure she knows she can ask you anything, and you will tell her. I did this with my son and we have no problems, he's 23 now.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (4 January 2011):
I'm glad to help out as best I can. I can understand why you are happy to have a daughter. I'm very happy that little miracle happened for you despite the circumstances surrounding her father.
I can also understand why you want to be nice about this to him, but at the same time I think his name belongs on the birth certificate. That's not something his wife will see unless you show it to her and his daughter deserves to at least know for sure who her father is.
My last GF's dad was never on her birth certificate and she always wondered if he was actually her dad, despite her mom assuring her that was the case. Even when he died unexpectedly at 45 years old, she was left wondering if he was her dad, mostly due to the whole birth certificate issue.
In my father's case, it was more surprise than anything. I don't think he was hurt because both his parents were pretty terrible parents. His dad was a compulsive gambler/alcoholic, and his mom had 5 husbands by the time he was 21. When his other family tracked him down (along with his siblings) it was a surprise but not a complete surprise because they never really heard from him after he split one night. To my knowledge they met once, mostly out of curiousity, but it's hard to feel any connection to someone you've not known about for over 50 years.
Ultimately the reality is that he has a second family now. He needs to accept this and figure out what he's going to do. He can keep hiding, but this will come to light soon enough. You don't need to rush a decision, but it is unfair to you and your child for him to treat you like a dirty little secret. Hopefully he proves himself a decent man and does the right thing. Forcing his hand will force him out of your life unfortunately. Of that you can be pretty certain.
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A
female
reader, Love_is +, writes (4 January 2011):
Hi DB...
Thank you once again for taking the time…
The answer to: Does he pay child support and is he on her birth certificate? to both questions the answer is no.
He freaks out at the slightest suggestion that his wife should learn of his other life. I’m not looking forward to the day our daughter see’s her birth certificate, but I’ll just have to cross that bridge when I get to it. I do understand why he doesn’t want to hurt his wife and especially his children. They financially have a huge debt with his mortgage and his wife’s business. She works from their home. I myself am fortunate that I can survive financially on a pension for a year or two.
I have been distraught about this situation often. Luckily though I am stubborn and always have made it a rule to stand on my own two feet no matter what. Not to be reliant or obliged for anything or anyone. I have told him though that one day the chances are likely that the truth will be known to all...
Your father must have felt very hurt only finding out 10 years ago that he has siblings. I hope he is ok and that things have panned out for everyone. This is why it’s so important for me to be honest. My relationship with my daughter means the world to me.
The advice you have given me as to what to say to her in the meantime, before she is a teenager, is what I have been struggling with and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this. I have talked with her father about it, though he doesn’t have any answers except to say that he doesn’t know. He gets tears in his eyes. The only involvement he has is when he comes and visits us and interacts with her affectionately as her father. He gave her some gifts for Christmas and gave me a couple of hundred dollars which I really appreciated.
The whole time I was pregnant he was pretty much in denial about what was happening. We just bowled along. Eventually of course I had to leave work and start my new life as a single mum. Initially he didn’t want me to go through with the pregnancy for fear of his world crumbling around him, but for me there was no choice in the matter.
I just have to mention that I was told for 18 years that I couldn’t have children. With my last partner of 8 years, we tried IVF to no avail. It was traumatic, and I accepted at the age of 40 that I would never become a mother.
It’s amazing how miracles can happen!…
DB I feel very grateful that I have someone like you to talk to! I like your non-judgemental, this-is-how-it-is approach. You’re a good sort!
Enjoy your day..
Kindest regards and thanks again..
LVis
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (3 January 2011):
First I should warn you that I'm not a parent. While I have distinct thoughts about parenting, I cannot speak from any semblence of experience here.
Ok, he's her dad. That's what she should call him. She won't really understand anything till she's about 3 or 4 anyway, so for now, it's not that big of a concern.
Is he going to be helping with child support? There is no way his wife wouldn't find out if that happens. Still, ultimately they should know too, but that's the father's job to tell them, not yours. Is he on the birth certificate?
My father found out about 10 years ago that he has siblings he never knew about. His father left when he was in his early teens and apparently started a new family elsewhere. This was quite a shock to everyone, but not one that people would doubt. I wonder if your daughter decides to look for him some day, what will his family say, especially if he has passed away.
Ultimately, I think it's best to be honest with her when she's old enough to understand. I'm thinking when she's a teenager. Until then you just tell her that you and her dad aren't together, but he loves her. Do your best not to bad mouth him to her. She'll have lots of feelings about this someday, but that day is quite the ways off right now.
I wish there was a magic fix here. Have you tried talking to her dad about this? Has he offered any input as to his involvement? I think it's best if you can keep things cordial, but you always have the court option if he tries to deny her. That would be quite messy though, and would likely drive him completely out of her life. Still, to be the "secret" child of a married man... She has a tough life ahead of her, at least emotionally. Unfortunately there is nothing that can be done about that because the truth can't be changed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011): Thank you DB, I appreciate you taking the time to reply to me. Happy New Year to you.
Yes this is a difficult predicament. My thoughts are way ahead of myself as our daughter is still under 1, but the answer to this very important question occupies my thoughts every day. I turn it over and over in my mind wondering how I will be able to best explain things honestly and tactfully to her when the time comes. The way this question is answered will have a life long effect, and I don’t want to upset our daughter in any way.
I know I must be completely and truthfully honest with her as it is her right to know the truth as to who her father is, and the fact that there are also half siblings involved. I have made it clear that under no circumstances will I interfere with his marriage, but have told him that if our daughter so chooses to know her half siblings one day when she is a grown woman, then that in entirely up to her.
We currently see her father around once every 3 weeks for a couple of hours when he visits us at home. He works away for 2 weeks out of 3. We met when I was also working away. Presently we are in touch virtually every day. We are still crazy about each other and things are electric between us. We have tried a few times now to leave each other but we can’t seem to do this. Human nature is what it is I guess. We are also like best friends and we communicate very well. He can offload all his work problems and issues and anything else he wants to talk with me about onto me, and I am happy to listen. It works both ways.
We have been in our relationship since April 2009. The reason he has eventually strayed from his wife is due to a complete void of passion and physical affection from her. She has no libido perhaps due to the thyroid problem she has which she is on medication for. Lack of communication is also a big problem for them. He likens their relationship to living with a fellow room-mate. They have been together for 16 years. He is 37 and I am 43. I came from a long term relationship myself which ended at the end of 2007.
He cares very much for our daughter, but as yet we don’t know what she should call him as he will never be a full time father to her. What are your thoughts on this DB?
You may think perhaps that I am a bit ahead of myself asking this question at this stage, but your thoughts will be gratefully appreciated.
Many Thanks
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (29 December 2010):
How old is she exactly? This is a delicate situation to say the least. She's the product of an affair. Is her father in her life?
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