A
female
age
36-40,
*lsieMay
writes:Hi there, Me and my boyfriend (who have been together for just over a week now)have really fallen deeply for each other. We get on so well, have the same sense of humour, music tastes, etc..almost everything I've ever wanted in man I've found in him. And despite us being together for such a short period of time we both know that we want a future together. The only thing I'm concerned about is that he's mentioned that he occasionally takes drugs (coke) on a night out with his mates. (he swears this is very rarely, but also smokes weed from time to time too-which I don't have a prob with). He says that he will never do it around me or get me involved in anyway, yet I obviously still feel concerned because, well as we've both told each other, we're in love. I've told him that I don't agree with it and he assures me that it really is a rare thing, but I still worry. Especially as, with our conversation of our future involving kids, I don't want it to affect our future. I'm not sure how to tell him again that I'd prefer it if he just didn't do it at all without sounding like I'm telling him what to do, which may result in us splitting up. I don't want to lose him as he seems perfect in every other aspect of our relationship.What's a girl to do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 October 2012):
 My bet is that he'll do anything for you, BUT stopping using cocaine, and everybody knows that " tryng to quit " is just an attempt to fool oneslf and other people. When you REALLY are determined to do something, you don't " try", you do it. You don't " try " to go to work in the morning, you get out of bed, get dressed, open your door, and go.
You are very right to be concerned , most recreational users in time become full time users , and even if it's a rare event, -it all depends from where YOU draw the line,
personally I would not be OK with a man hitting me in rare occasions, or cheating on me in rare occasions, or stealing in rare occasions etc.
You have to decide indipendently how YOU feel about coke use , and if you are against it or not, abd you have to take a clear stand, in most cases in life , what you don't fight, you endorse. ( If he does it in your presence or not, it's quite irrelevant, - if he 'd screw other women , he would not be doing it under your nose, but you'd still not be happy about it, wouldn't you ? )
I think that, like many other women, you can't resist the temptation of picking a fixer-upper... a guy that would be oh so perfect if only.
Be aware of the if only, and stay with what it is NOW.
If you are against his use of cocaine- then tell him to clean up his act , and come back to you AFTER he has done that - and with proof . Otherwise , you could be hanging around for years and years while he " tries " to get rid of his habit ( which obviously he won't be in a hurry to do, since you accept him even WITH the habit ).
A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (16 October 2012):
 HI Again
please don't be naive in this sitution. Most drug users will tell you anything you want to hear, do you think after years of taking drugs it takes one person to say " it's me or the drugs" and they stop? NO he will either hide it from you or blantantly continue to use . no matter what drug it is! I'm sorry but you are clearly not thinking straight right now and I am not the kind of Agony Aunt that will sugar coat things. Truth is best from day one. If you stay with him now you will only be letting him know that even though he takes the drugs you will put up with it. If he really likes you and wants to stay with you then you NEED to give him up and refuse to be with him untill you know he is clean. This is best for HIM and yourself, if he is ever to change his ways. Good luck
Mandy x
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A
female
reader, ElsieMay +, writes (15 October 2012):
ElsieMay is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for your responses :) I should have said in the original question that He and I have known each other for around 6 months, prior to seeing each other (then we got together after a few weeks of seeing each other). so it's not like we're complete strangers. I have told him how I feel and he understands this and has said that as it concerns me and he feels deeply for me, he'll do anything for me. So I guess he's trying to stop it all together. All it took was for me to talk to him about it :)
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (15 October 2012):
HI
I don't think you ready to tell him what he can or can't do, one week is a ridiculas amount of time to say your deeply inlove with him, thats is nowhere near long enough to even know him enough. It sounds like you both have some growing up to do still and if he takes drugs now he wont change, I would walk away while you still can. harsh but true sorry :/
Mandy
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 October 2012):
 You have the same interests together but he is doing something illegal. He has this habit before meeting you. It would be hard for him to break it without breaking your relationship. Drugs are potent. His brain still gets affected even when used sparingly. There is no guarantee that he won't get addicted to it. It is a deal breaker for me.
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