A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm married with 3 kids. The eldest is the result of a fling I had overseas. I came back and met up with my ex, who was never over me. We got together and then I told him I was pregnant and we got married. My daughter was only 5lb and I pretended she was premature. Me and my husband then had 2 children My daughter (12) recently fell in the swimming pool and hit her head on the bottom and passed out. Had to be rescued by the lifefuard. At that point my husband confronted me and asked if she is his. I told him the truth ie she is not his. He wants me to tell my daughter, and says she deserves to know her true identity. I don't want to tell her, I don't want people to know what I've done, what I'm like. I feel dreadful, what should I do?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 April 2013):
 I would not call the sperm donor her "real father" he is her biological father. HER REAL FATHER is the man that has raised her and loved her from day one. Legally depending on the laws of your location he is the father. Here in the USA it's called The Lord Mansfield Rule. The husband of the mother is the legal father.
I assume that the reason this came up is that she had blood work that shows she cannot be his bio child... why else would he ask NOW at this time?
He is correct that when she is older and less vulnerable she NEEDS to know the truth mostly for health reasons.
My concern is that the bigger issue is between you and your husband right now.
I think you and your husband need to get some guidance on this since you deceived HIM and he's probably feeling betrayed and hurt and angry and confused. Truth be told the only person you have to answer to is him. YOU lied to him. YOU deceived him. He married you under false pretenses assuming the child was biologically his responsibility. Now I don't think that biology is the key to parenting but some folks do.
Once you and hubby work out the hurt and betrayal he feels hopefully cooler heads will prevail and the telling of the biological truth can be done by you and her dad at a time when she's old enough to understand and not feel betrayed by the news.
A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (12 April 2013):
 Patch things up with your husband because he did get horrible news, being told that the daughter he raised and thought as his own for 12 years is not his biological child must be hard to sallow. Let him cool off and tell him that its not the right time because she is still very young to received news of this magnitude., he might just be willing to wait for her to be older to be told.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (12 April 2013):
 Should she be told eventually? Yes, absolutely. But this is news that should come at the "right" time -- when she's emotionally mature enough to handle it. I rather doubt that the onset of adolescence is really the best time to drop what she might perceive as a bombshell.
That said, you are the person she should hear it from. Hopefully your husband will cool off and not threaten to tell her immediately if you don't. Hopefully you two can agree on both the timing and the message. For example, there's no need to tell your daughter she was the result of a 'fling' -- saying it was a relationship that didn't work out would be a more palatable message. That might help you turn your embarrassment into a teachable moment more easily.
I get the sense that your husband isn't altogether thrilled about this. For goodness sake mend your fences with him first -- the last thing your daughter needs is for him to lash out at you by saying nasty things about you to her.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 April 2013):
 What do you think is the right thing to do?
What are your reasons for telling her, and your reasons for not telling her? Do you have good reasons not to tell her?
What about her real father, does he know he has a daughter? Does he not deserve to know?
You are the one to make the decision. But it seems, now that your husband knows the truth, he will want to tell her. So she will know, whether you're the one who tells her, or she is. No matter what thought, her father is still your husband.. If his name is on the birth certificate as the father then she is his, call it adopted or what not. She is his, just not biologically.
Also, when you are pregnant, and marry a man, unless the biological father claims any rights then the father is automatically the husband. At least that's how the law works as far as I know. She will have a right to his inheritance, he has legal obligations to care for her etc. So none of that changes.
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