A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I'm not sure if my bf wants to be with me for me, or if it's just the idea of a longterm relationship and stability that he loves. How do I tell the difference? I've been with my bf 1.5 yrs, we live in the same town, see each other about 4 times per week. He talks about settling down with me, us getting married and having children (I have never mentioned this, it's always him that brings it up), and I know he has always wanted a family, but that previous girlfriends of his have dumped him for someone else after several months. He's also asked me to move in with him, and said it would make sense financially, which kinda didn't make me want to move in with him 'cos I'm the sort of girl who likes a bit of romance. I feel that he's already starting to take me for granted, and that would only worsen if I moved in with him. I just need some advice on how you figure out if a guy loves you for you, or if it is more the idea of being in love that he loves? I feel like I have fallen in love with him, but one or two things have happened in the last year which have made me doubt my trust in him and doubt his feelings for me. Like, he was sexting a girl brhind my back. When I found out, I was ready to dump him (this happened 7 months in) but he cried, apologised, and said he would never do anything like that again.I feel like I still don't really know him, and can't tell if he's sticking with me 'cos he knows I'm the kind of girl who doesn't cheat, or because he genuinely loves me.Thanks :)
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female
reader, cinc71  +, writes (9 November 2011):
 Follow your gut feeling, if something doesn't feel right don't do it. Good luck!
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (9 November 2011):
It's probably not completely black and white, as in, either he wants to be with you or else he only wants the stability of a relationship. probably it's a bit of both. But you're probably wanting to know which it is more of?
I think that if he wanted to be with you, then his words, behaviors and attitudes would be consistent with showing genuine and sincere care for you and interest in you as a person. If he was only wanting the stability of a relationship, then he's approaching this with a more self-centered attitude as in what can he get out of it, in which case his attitudes and behaviors would be more self centered and based on what he wants or what his idea of a relationship should be.
I think the fact that you found him sexting another girl, and yet he is the one who always talks about marriage and kids with you, does seem to indicate that he needs to be in a relationship and is open to switching out relationship partners if he can find someone "better", and not so much because he really is into you.
he may be insecure from having been dumped a lot, and thus if he craves security what could be more secure (to such a person) than marriage with kids? so maybe that's why he talks about marriage and kids with you and why he's wanting you to move in with him. It would prove to himself that he's not going to get dumped again so he can relax more. but ultimately it's self centered and he's more focused on his own needs and not interested in the actual relationship with you.
If you don't feel like you're both on the same page, then I think you should talk to him about your concerns and not move in with him just because he wants to push this relationship along.
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