A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My son who had a major accident during rugby game, had his second operation 3 days ago.His knee is damaged for life. He just had artificial ligaments in and metal.My friend called me to ask how my son was, he started talking about one of his girl friends having headache and a woman he met on internet dating having personal problems and went into details of her problems. then about another girl too she married a man, he does not want her, now she needs visa to stay in uk, she has visa problems).I suffer from FMS and I am very stressed for my son (he has infection, may have to have artificial ligaments removed), this friend knows how stress effects my FMS illness. I am also sensitive and other people's problems stress me.He did the same to me 2 years ago, when I had a major operation, he phoned me 2 days after my operation crying telling his cat was dying. My son's operation was also major and he will need many more operations and hid knee is damaged for life. I want to tell him please do not tell me about your problems and other women's problems while my son is in hospital. But I do not know how to tell him. He always calls me with his problems.I do not think it is appropriate for him to tell me about problems while my son is in hospital or I just come out of hospital with major operation. I do not mind listening to his problem but after our operatins, and after our recovery.Today, when he finished talking I tried telling that I do not wish to listen to other people's problems at this time as my son is so ill. He said that he was ok. I do not think he understood what I was trying to tell him.Am I wrong? if I am not, how can I tell him not to bombard me with his or other people's problems while my son is in hospital. Last year while my son was in hospital he came and took me to cafeteria and kept talking about his problems, I do not think it was the time for him to talk about his problems to me while I thought my son was losing his leg. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (8 July 2012):
His social skills are rather poor. He probably doesn’t know what to say to you. He means well, so as an act of kindness to his friend he phones you to see how your son is, but he can’t cope with emotional issues so, to deflect the conversation away from areas where he feels uncomfortable, he turns to the trials and tribulations of these women in his life. He’s the kind of person that isn’t going to get subtle hints: you need to tell him bluntly that you don’t have the energy right now to hear about all these problems and that you just need some-one to give a listening ear to you so that you can share with some-one how you’re feeling about the terrible experience that your son is going through. Explain to him that he doesn’t have to say any magic words to make everything better, that can’t be done. But just be a sympathetic ear and tell you that he’s there for you. ?If he still can’t respond appropriately, he’s just using you as an audience for his comparatively trivial problems. Don’t be some-one’s sponge, there to absorb all their problems, so they feel better having offloaded on to you. Put yourself, and your son first and if this man can’t be a good friend in tough times, forget about him.
I wish you and your son all the very best.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 July 2012):
 Wow, he is socially inept, if you have to tell him this. He doesn't understand the ebb and flow and conversation and has no idea what a person wants for a response. He is not a bad person. Emotionally he may be flat and he hears you say something and then he says something because he thought you were conversing facts. I don't know how a mid aged man could go through life with no one telling him how to behave in certain situations. Seems like he is with you to practice his social skills. A lot of people would have left this weirdo already and that's why no one bothers to teach him social skills. Empathy is not something that can be taught. You have to basically tell him you are sad, because you thought your son was going to lose his leg. You need comfort. Comfort means you need his presence and listen to you. You want faith that the operation would be successful. You want him to understand the situation and have a second ear about what the doctor says. You are preoccupied right now because this is a big problem and you don't have interests in other people but your son, and you want him to better understand your son's predicament as well. You would be worrying about your son for a while until his leg is normal again, and you hope that he can respect that this is a time you need him to be patient. It is not that his problems do not matter. Your son's problem is more urgent. It is life and death and it is stressing you out a lot. Thank him for being there for you, and that appreciate him waiting until a better time to talk about other things.
...............................
|
