A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:At the end of my current boyfriends last relationship, his ex told him that he had destroyed her life by taking all of her confidence and making her believe she was stupid, which really made him hyper-sensitive about being some kind of destroyer-of-women. The problem is that he CAN be a little forceful in his criticism. For example, I'll ask his opinion on something for work that I'm feeling insecure about, and he starts listing off everything I've done wrong, when what I really need is some validation to get over my nerves. Or I'll ask a question about something he's said and he'll say "forget it, you just don't understand," rather than explaining, like I'm too stupid to get it.These kinds of behaviors are creating a real problem for me, but every time I try to discuss it, he gets really upset and down on himself for having hurt me and I just end up consoling him. Now he's down on himself, I'm down on myself and it just happens again the next day.99% of the time he's a wonderful guy, but my ego's taking a beating and I'm having a hard time hiding my hurt. Any suggestions on how to broach the subject without hurting his feelings?
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male
reader, Perspicacious  +, writes (13 August 2009):
I don't doubt for a moment that he doesn't intend to hurt you, but he does need to develop better "people skills" to avoid doing so.
I would suggest that you need to be a little stronger yourself when you discuss this with him. Of course he isn't going to like hearing that he has hurt you with something he said, but that doesn't change the fact that he did. By ending up consoling him for it, he ends up being the "victim" in the situation so of course nothing ever gets better.
Next time he gets upset be firm, explain that you love him and aren't saying it to hurt him, but you do need him to understand and think more about the what he says to you. Give him an example of what would have been a good reply to hear, so he knows exactly what you mean.
And if after that he gets upset give him a little time to think things through rather than consoling him. That way the issue will remain his behaviour towards you, rather than you having upset him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): Just sit him down and tell him "In my eyes, what you're saying is coming off as ______, when what I really need to hear from you is ______."
Or something like "Instead of just saying forget it, explain it to me and give me a chance to understand." Phrasing things like that might help you explain without him thinking you're accusing him.
If he turns it around to him being down, just remind him that it's about you and how you're feeling and that you are fully aware of how he feels (since its obviously him who doesn't get how you feel). Try to just go at it calmly, and describe your feelings as best you can in a business like matter. Maybe try writing what you think down, so the examples are clearer in your mind when you bring it up.
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