A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My Cousin's fiance left her one day without telling her he was going for good, he told he was going to another city for a job interview. After various excuses and him eventually not coming back home she realised he had left her. Her mom had just passed away 2 months before so she wasnt in a great state of mind. Her fiance was lying to her and family saying he had a job in a suburb about 45 min out of town, when in fact he was at home all day long using her money for about 4 months after losing his full time job due to a fraud case we were sure he was innocent in. He left her without saying goodbye face to face and with no electricity in their apartment. We eventually discovered he hadnt paid the rent for 2 months , which she had given him the money for, and he hadnt paid her accounts for up to 6 months, and all her money in her bank account was gone. She was in really bad debt, and had to pay everything off on her own. He still hasnt given her an explanation, and she still loves him, she hasnt had closure yet. The whole family is outraged as more and more lies are surfacing, they were also due to get married in 6 months and were ogranising it all. He is back at his parents, who dont really know what to do about it all, and he promises to call and explain, but for 2 months now there has been no explanation. She will be visiting him soon to get closure but I think she has already forgiven him and wants him back. The family will not accept him again, and although she is like a sister to me I dont know how to tell her that if someone loves you they do not do this to you. He was lying to her and her family and stealing money from her. How do I tell her that she must move on if she claims he is the love of her life?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2009): Thank you so much for your response. I met with her tonight before reading your response but basically said all the things you have mentioned, in a very heartfelt way. I agree with you and she can also understand my point of view but says she needs to see him to get closure and whatever happens from there on out is undecided at this point. I can see that she has forgiven him already in her heart and all I can do is stand by whatever her decision will be, whether Im happy with it or not. Only time will tell now. I appreciate you taking the time out to read my question. Take care
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (3 August 2009):
 You're fairly sure now he was not innocent of the fraud case.... You know, ultimately you're not going to be able to keep her from making the wrong choice, if she chooses to do so. What I would do is remind her, (1) the fraud (2) defrauding her and all his lying etc. He defrauded her without any care about the situation he left her in. That's not a husband or a boyfriend. It's someone who only cares about themselves and will do what they need to for themselves even if it means walking over other people to get there.
When talking to her, don't devalue her feelings. She has them, and to let her know she's wrong for having them will make her mad. I'd say, "Even though you love him, doesn't make him the best choice for you to be with." Remind her of how hard it was to get back on her feet and pay off bills. Did she enjoy that? Is she willing to do that again? Chances are, if she gets him back, he'll destroy her accounts again.
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