A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How do I tell my girlfriend how I feel without making it look like I don't trust her?My girlfriend of 4 months is hanging out a lot with a new guy friend at work. She tells me about him quite often and seems to talk with him nearly as much as she talks with me. Both my girlfriend and I are in the military, so I completely understand that she is mainly surrounded by men all the time. But recently she has told me that this guy has also sent her topless pictures of himself. Red flag! And recently she has even commented on how ripped he's been getting lately and that how when she gets back from Christmas leave she wants to start working out together with him a lot. The whole situation just makes me feel kind of sick.I feel that love is a two way street. I mean, if we turned the tables around here and I told my girlfriend that I was now hanging out with a new hot girl at work who was also sending me sexy pictures of herself, I can guarantee you that my girlfriend wouldn't be happy. Even if I protested that we were only just friends, I'm fairly certain there would still be some tension there. And then if I later said, "Oh yeah, by the way... this new girl and I are also going to be hanging out a lot more together and we're going to start working out together too," I'm pretty sure that my girlfriend would be pissed!I've tried to be trusting, understanding, and supportive of my girlfriend up until now, but to be honest... when another guy starts getting too friendly with the girl I love, it makes me feel really uncomfortable. It especially doesn't help that I just recently got re-stationed far away from her too.The thing is, I know you can't control what other people do or feel, you can only control yourself. If they're going to be faithful to you and trustworthy they will do it of their own accord because they respect and love you and they want to be with you. It's not fun to constantly worry about what your partner does. I should have a long talk with her about all of this but I just don't know how. If our relationship is going to work, then it needs to be able to withstand long distances and long periods of time without us seeing each other. Mainly, there has to be trust and communication. I trust my girlfriend to be faithful and I love her with all my heart, but how do I tell her how I feel and not come off as being jealous or insecure? I mean, I guess I actually DO feel insecure, jealous, and even a little scared. I'm just really worried about our relationship. I want to be able to simply tell her about how this makes me feel, but at the same time I don't want to seem untrusting, controlling, or weak. I fear that if I talk with her about this in the wrong way she will find me less attractive and that we will then slowly grow apart. I love her so much and don't want to lose her. How can I tell her how I feel without coming off as being untrusting or controlling?Sincerely,Depressed in the desert
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): Hi there, I found your post because something similar has been going on in my life and yeah - it's hard isn't it?!My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 9 months and in a very loving caring relationship. It would seem the perfect fairy tale to be honest and so many of our friends say we're lucky to have found each other, which I agree with. We truly have something special.But this is where I feel your pain. Both my partner and I are actors and 3 months ago he bonded with a girl on set - bonded a little too far for my liking. They suddenly became 'best friends' and spoke all the time. A while back she broke up with her boyfriend and asked to stay with my man - alarm bells were ringing and despite trying to be understanding I had a massive problem that she was running to him and not her other friends. (She lives in Liverpool, we live in London). This became a pretty nasty argument about trust and all sorts. I didn't trust her motives one bit.A few days ago I discovered that she stayed a couple of weeks ago, despite my concern and he on purpose decided not to tell me. Initially I felt let down and betrayed and convinced myself that something was going or else he wouldn't have kept it a secret. However, after a lot of talking we seemed to have figured it out.I too have a handful of very close male friends, one who to me is like a brother who I have a feeling my boyfriend is a little jelous of. The only way I got through what happened was by not making myself believe that he was cheating on me, but that actually, maybe she is a friend and he wanted to help. I know if it was the other way around and my friend needed me, I would be there for him straight away. Perhaps the problem I had was that she is a 'new' friend and he didn't tell me she was going to stay after all. However, we have established that honesty is always best in fear of hurting the other person - no matter how innocent the act may be.But I've learnt that trust love and understanding gets you everywhere. If your girlfriend wanted to cheat on you with this other man, then she would have or will do. If you're insecure and upset about her friendship, potentially you'll just be pushing her into his arms. But if you're the cool understanding boyfriend that gives her a bit of space to have her own friends and you trust her, I believe you'll be together for a long time to come.But I totally understand what you're going through - an ex of mine who I thought was 'the one' cheated on me and I appreciate how its hard not to let past insecurities get in the way.All the best. I really hope it works out for you. x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the helpful advice everybody. This is what I wrote to her:
"I want you to know I am sorry for being so insecure. You mean the world to me hon.
I know you have a lot of guy friends and are surrounded mainly by men in your line of work. But I also know how beautiful and amazing you are. So forgive me, but it's not that hard for me to imagine that other guys might see the same wonderful things in you that I see.
I don't think you have feelings for anybody other than me, but just the thought of it even being a possibility hurts me. I am sorry for bringing it up, but I think it's really important to be honest with each other about everything - especially now that we're far apart. The stupid thing is that I know all of my fears stem from my past relationships. You have done absolutely nothing to make me feel this way and it's completely unfair to you. I'm so sorry baby. I just love you so much and I don't want to lose you.
I hate the idea of being jealous or controlling and I hope you don't feel like I don't trust you. The worst part is I know that if I could just look into your eyes right now all my fears would melt away.
They say that love is giving your heart to someone and trusting them not to break it. I love you with all my heart sweetie and in the future I promise to try to be a better man - the type of man you deserve."
We talked last night and it looks like things are going to be okay. Thanks again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): I just want to tell you right now, when a girl talks about a guy a lot, it means the girl likes the guy. I should know I like this guy and I can't help but talk about him. As for you your question. I think you should just say, "I want you to know I love you with all my heart, you mean the world to me, but I feel unsecure. You are always talking about this guy. Do you have feelings for him? I am sorry for asking but I love you and I don't want to lose you." Also say, "You would feel the sameway I do if the tables were turned, so please forgive me for asking." I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (27 December 2010):
 Email this post to her, kinda sums it up really!!!! She needs to know that this is hurting your feelings!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): You have to be honest. That's all you can do. Some girls find it cute that their boyfriend is a little jealous, if that helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): Everything that you are saying and feeling is logical and justified. Her behavior is completely unacceptable and disrespecting of you and the relationship. Give her one option and that is to completely cut the dude out the pic. If she refuses, shut her down and throw her to the dogs completely. Don't resolve to settling for a woman who plays both sides of the fence.
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A
female
reader, Dreamer1988 +, writes (27 December 2010):
 First of all, you have been with your girlfriend for four months. That's not enough time to know if she is even cheater or not. No, it doesn't come across as untrustworthy or controlling if you ASK her why she keeps hanging out with this other guy. You have a right to know even if it doesn't seem like it. Ask her first if she is physically attracted to him. Watch what she says. If she says yes, dump her right there... that's not good. If she says no, then find out how come she keeps hanging out with him and talking to him. If she says because she's attracted to his personality, that's also something you can dump her for. She's treating this other guy like he's her boyfriend, which is you. You are acting like a doormat in this situation and she is the one who is taking advantage of you.
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