A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok so my problem is pretty simple. How do I tell a man he's not doing it for me in the bedroom?I've been seeing a man for about 6 weeks now and in the last two weeks we've started to have sex, but it really isn't good. He's a great kisser and I assumed that same passion would translate to the bedroom, but it doesn't. Sorry if this is TMI, but he only goes in about an inch and goes super fast so there's no clitoral stimulation at all for me (unless I do it myself which isn't always possible position wise) and I struggle to stay lubricated. There's no kissing or caressing of any type apart from my boobs either, so it's really not pleasurable at all. He also likes to flip from position to position every 2 minutes which again means I struggle to get into it.I've tried telling him what I want - slower, deeper, touch me here, I like it when, let me look into your eyes etc, and he'll do it for about 2 thrusts then go back to normal. I've told him what positions I like and I've asked him to spend longer on them but he seems to think that means an extra 30 seconds. I also give him a lot of positive moaning when he finally does something I like but he hasn't taken the hint from that either. In fact the minute I do he seems to change the speed and intensity of whatever he's doing which ruins it!So overall we've had sex 4 times and I've had zero orgasms or any pleasure at all. Nor have I faked an orgasm as I think that is a big cause of why women go off sex after a while. I thought it was patently obvious that this was the case but last night he turned around and said he thinks I'm too quiet when I orgasm!! He said he'd appreciate it if I 'show my enjoyment' more as it would make him enjoy sex more if I made it obvious when I'm orgasming!I know I should have told him there and then but it just seemed too cruel to tell him that the reason I don't show any enjoyment is because there hasn't been any! So I thought it best to plan what I'm going to say and bring it up the next time I see him (outside of the bedroom of course). I know of some men who have been scarred for life by a bad sexual review so I want some advice on how to approach this subject without being too brutal. Thanks!
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 July 2017):
 "You haven't been seeing him long. Giving him the benefit of the doubt; he may be a bit eager for sex, if he is coming out of a long drought. He finally has a real woman in his bed, and all he can think of is satisfying himself. "
I just wanted to comment on what WiseOwlE said here. I don't think for a second that coming out of a "drought" makes a great lover perform like a selfish lover, not even for a second. I've been with men who have just come out of a drought. NONE of these men were humping away like a Duracell bunny like this guy does. Coming out of a long drought doesn't make any difference. You're either a person who enjoys giving your partner pleasure, or you're a selfish lover who only cares about your own pleasure.
The only difference a drought makes, is that the sexual appetite will be higher for a few months before it lowers down to the "normal" level for that person. Say, if a man usually wants sex three times a week, if he's just been out of a drought he will probably want sex every day or two times a day. But his sexual behavior and performance, taking care of his partner etc, it will not be different.
This, of course, isn't hard facts based on statistics, hehe. Just my experience. And I've had crappy lovers too who just came out of a drought, and things didn't improve with them over time although they were in fact more eager for sex the first few weeks. But then their moves and ability to read my body never changed. All that changed was the eagerness for sex, not the skill-level or the ability to give me pleasure.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (20 July 2017):
 From what you described this guy has no idea what he's doing because he performs sex straight out of a porn movie... expecting you to “show enjoyment” so HE can enjoy sex more, yet you want to take one for the team... well ok 4x. That certainly was a missed opportunity to respond to the subject of enjoyment, when he was giving you (subtle or brutal) criticism of your performance?
It's going to be brutal no matter how you try to soften the blow about his lousy performance. Truly there's nothing that will cheer up his (penis) ego after a bad review.
I say get it over and done with the best way you can from what has been suggested, but be aware all a man hears is the one critic out of the 10 great compliments you give him.
Try; try again till he gets it right perhaps; but no thanks.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2017): You're sexually-incompatible. He has his own style of love-making and he doesn't take suggestions; basically what you'd consider the selfish-lover, who gets-on and gets-off.
Guys who don't listen, don't care. One who does; automatically shows passion, enjoys foreplay, listens to sweet suggestions, and prides himself on pleasing his mate. It boosts his ego and self-esteem when he receives orgasms and moans of pleasure as reward for his passionate and considerate love-making.
You haven't been seeing him long. Giving him the benefit of the doubt; he may be a bit eager for sex, if he is coming out of a long drought. He finally has a real woman in his bed, and all he can think of is satisfying himself.
Words of caution. If you're risking it, and not using condoms, he's preparing to pull-out before ejaculating. Always use condoms!!! Don't let him give the excuse of insensitivity. There are too many kinds of condoms on the market designed for mutual-pleasure; and any guy who says he can't feel anything is lying.
For a guy, if a woman doesn't want you to use protection, red-flags better go up!!!
If he's that hard-headed; even when you've tried to explain what you need, well consider that a red-flag...as far as sex, anyway!
If it was me, there would be no more sex. It's your body and it's up to you to decide. Don't settle. If he doesn't mind and accepts; maybe he should be friend-zoned. If not, tootles...bye-bye! Next!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2017): Man here! If you have told him before, as you say in your question, what you like and how you like it, then clearly he isn't listening to you or seriously believes he knows best.
If you quite like the guy and want to try to give the relationship a go, then you need to take charge in the bedroom one time, and use it a chance to teach him.
Or you could just tell him straight- 'I always prefer this to that.' A bit of shock therapy might help!
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 July 2017):
You've unfortunately met a man who plain and simple isn't good in bed. And he never will be. So decide here now if you can live with the sex as is (or at best it will become a tinsy wimsy little bit better with years and years of practice).
He isn't good in bed, and no matter what you tell, nothing will change this fact. Because the difference between someone who is good in bed and someone who isn't, isn't knowing how to move your pelvic muscles, or the size of a penis. A person who is great at sex is someone who pays attention to their partner and aims to please. Such a person who pays attention WILL pick up on signals such as moans, and then repeat those steps that led to the moan. Such a person will absolutely pay attention to things you say directly, such as "look me in the eyes", but more over, a person who is great in bed will read your body signals and your movements and follow them. That means, if you do NOT signal to move positions, they will not start flopping you around either.
I'm just saying, the ability to pay attention to your partner and to read body language isn't something you learn through being told so. It's something you either naturally do, or you don't. Anything else will just be mechanical. Sure he can learn to look you in the eyes, but it will be without pleasure still, because he will just do it on a command and not because he gets pleasure from it or because he understands that it gives you pleasure. Which means you would then have to instruct him every time you want even the slightest of change, because he'd STILL be unable to pick up on your signals. He just doesn't work that way.
Find someone sexually compatible, that's my advice. This guy isn't it, and you will just feel more and more frustrated as time goes by if you stay.
I've had oh-so many sexual partners, I know what Im talking about when I say you can't make someone good in bed. They either naturally pay attention to their partner, or they don't. For example, I once had a boyfriend who at first seemed amazing in bed. But turned out, he had just learned a few tricks, and that's all he knew. He didn't understand how to apply those techniques to me, he just did what he had done with his ex and when that worked for her, he didn't understand that it wouldn't necessarily work for me. It was way too hard, too fast, and uncomfortable. It was skillful, sure, just as someone who has practiced hard on a dancing performance. But when the music changed, he didn't understand how to adapt his moves. He just carried on with that same routine. And it DID NOT CHANGE. I was with him for almost two years, he did the SAME THING for two years. Nothing new. I tried. I really tried. He would just get upset and passive aggressive with me when I tried to tell him how I like it in bed. He would just get angry because I should apparently just accept the things he did and be happy about it. I guess his anger and frustration came from him not actually understanding what I wanted, and from knowing he lacked the ability to give me what I needed.
As another example, I once had a boyfriend who was a virgin. He had never kissed anyone, never had sex, never even seen a naked woman. And he was one of the best sexual partners I've ever had. And he was amazing precisely because he hadn't learned any mechanical moves and dead end routines. He just followed the natural flow of things, and paid attention to my body, my movements, my sounds.
One of the best ways to determine sexual compatibility, in my experience, is this: lay next to each other (clothes on or off, doesn't matter). Thrust your hips towards his. If he follows the movement with his hips, you know he's paying attention and follows the flow of things and will be good in bed. If he lays there like a piece of lumber, stiff and with no corresponding movement, or if his movements are totally off and you just end up bouncing uncomfortably, then you know you're not in sync.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (20 July 2017):
 Hi OP.
I think the best time to let him know how you feel is when you are not in a sexual mood. Just bring it up like a regular conversation.
I like the idea that a previous aunt mentioned about highlighting the positives first. This will give him confidence and make him feel really good. Thereafter, you can say that you enjoy his enthusiasm and want to make sure that sex is enjoyable for the both of you because you enjoy being able to pleasure him. Let him know that you enjoy being kissed and caressed and held. Tell him that you want him to use his mouth more on every inch of your body. Let him know that he shouldn't stop if you're moaning.
Take charge in a really kinky and erotic way as well. Tell him that you want to take control for a while. Use positions that allow you to control how deep he goes which will also allow for his hands to roam at the same time. All the while you should be talking to him in a simple way even if it's not too sexual. Using sentences like "I like it when you touch me there", "I like it when you do that", "Don't stop doing that" are underrated but when you're in the mood, they can mean the difference between really enjoying yourself or having a horrible time. Use eye contact and even if you have to place his hands where you want them, he will start to take note of what you like.
Take charge and see how it goes. If that still doesn't work then you will have to assess your compatibility but you should be fine if you consider all the advice that you will be getting here.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 July 2017):
 I'm intrigued to know what you DID say to him when he made the comment about your (non) orgasms!
I think you need to explain to him that all women are different in what they like and what works for them. Also that they need time to get "into" a position before moving on to another. If he believes you had orgasms when you made no attempt to pretend to have one, then he is possibly very inexperienced in the bedroom and took your "positive moaning" as a sign that you had orgasmed. (Perhaps past partners didn't have your positive attitude and just lay there until it was over.)
To be honest, it sounds like he is getting his sex education from porn films and, as we all know, most of them are geared towards men's pleasure, not women's.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 July 2017):
 I think you have to be VERY honest with him and you kind of blew the BEST chance to tell him.
That doesn't mean you can't bring it up.
This talk NEEDS to happen OUTSIDE the bedroom BEFORE sex. Tell him, you know you mentioned the whole orgasm thing the other day and it got me thinking. I didn't hold back my climax I just didn't get any. It might be because we don't know each other's bodies and likes/dislikes yet.
Start with the POSITIVES. I like "this" and "this" (explain which things he does that you like) and I'm not a fan of the porn moves (the whole flipping from position to position is SUCH a porn trope.) I enjoy being caressed, touched and I rather stick with 1-3 positions and spend more time enjoying them.
Then maybe ask what HE likes.
HAVE a talk about sex.
IF you do not bring this up, HE CAN NOT improve. And YOU will get the lousy sex he "thinks" you like.
And here is the thing, OP if he can't handle SUGGESTIONS and being TOLd what you like sexually what then? Are you supposed to just suck it up? That is a surefire way to kill your libido stone dead.
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