A
female
age
51-59,
*attyana
writes:Hi Andrew,I have a question that needs a rapid answer to prevent a good friend getting hurt.How can I tell him I don't fancy him?.... I recently joined a dating agency, which was based on compatability and without pictures. I was about to end my membership when I was contacted by a man, I decided to respond to his email and so started a communiction which quickly established our similarities and empathy towards our past experiences. By the time we decided to meet we had formed quite a bond. When we met I realised that I did not fancy him but did not reveal this to him. He clearly fancied me and made it very clear that he was interested in a physical relationship. Because of our emotional bond I found it difficult to resist and allowed myself to get physical with him. Since then I have attempted to pull away from the physical relationship and turn it into a friendship - we both have a lot to juggle in our lives and I explained that I did not feel ready for a full on relationship. At first he was very understanding and I have no doubt of his genuine feelings and respect towards me, however he is still pursuing to have a physical relationship with me, telling me he had suffered physical rejection from his marriage and was hurt by that. I cant bear to hurt him and dont want to loose his friendship but feel unable to tell him that I dont fancy him. What should I do? How can I protect his feelings but avoid a physical encounter?Please help asap,Tattyana Reply to this Question
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reader, Tattyana +, writes (1 February 2009):
Tattyana is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you so much for your replys to my question. I would like to be honest with my friend about not fancying him but he is very sensitive about his apperance since he was extremely overweight during the last few years of his recently ended marrage and was taunted by his wife. He has lost an enormous amount of weight and is currently awaiting operations to remove skin folds from the weight loss. So I am very worried about destroying his fragile feelings, especially since I have been so full of praise towards him for his amazing weight loss, as have his friends. Not easy.
Tattyana
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2009): I don't think setting him up with someone new is very nice. It's like you're trying to 'pass the plate' and he could get very hurt by it.
You have a big heart, but I hope you learned a lesson to say No --the parting would've been alot easier. You could also say you don't want to have sex unless you're engaged or married. Of course, if he proposes, then don't hold back to say you don't feel that way for him.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (1 February 2009):
You are just going to have to be straight and say that you don't want to have sex and just want to be mates.
The reason you can give for this is the clever bit.
Tell him that you fear that you'll slide into a relationship with him if you continue to sleep with him. And that you don't want to be in a relationship with him die to circumstance.
Tell him that you need to protect your OWN feelings and therefore cannot risk it. Explain that you are not rejecting HIM, just not taking risks to do with your feelings.
Then within a few days try and set him up with someone you know. Give him an ego boost in some way that doesn't involve you.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2009): Sometimes the truth is best. You need to tell him that you do not feel the same way about him. You will only hurt him more, if you continue to lead him on.
Just tell him you want only to be his friend, and nothing more. Most guys will want to remain your friend, rather then lose contact with you altogether.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2009): I just went thru the same thing and it's really tough to tell a guy you've been intimate with before that your interest level has changed. Especially if you want to retain the friendship and keep things platonic.
It's sort of like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube, y'know?
Unrequited feelings can sometimes make it impossible for him to just be friends with you if he's always wanting more than you can give.
Since you've already told him that you're not emotionally ready for a relationship, and he's still trying to push things further, you'll probably need to tell him again. Sometimes guys misinterpret "I'm not ready" as "I'm not ready YET," and so they keep trying if they think there still might be a chance.
It's really difficult to tell a man that the attraction just isn't there for you and never will be. Not only does that hurt his ego, it hurts his feelings. And you care about this guy (even if it's only platonic), so you have to choose your words very carefully if you decide to have that talk with him. But at least it would be an honest statement of your feelings, and someday he will respect the fact that you were honest with him and didn't try to lead him on, even if he has to take a break from the friendship for awhile.
On the other hand, if brutal honesty isn't something you want to give him, there's another way to let him down easy that isn't quite as honest. You could tell him that you met another man recently that you are interested in pursuing a relationship with. Tell him while you cherish his friendship and want to keep that, you can only date one man at a time. He will get the message and hopefully choose to remain your friend.
If he does have feelings for you, give him time and space after this conversation. He may go no contact for awhile and then try to resume the friendship later once he's gotten the upper hand on his romantic notions.
Hope this helps, hon'. Spoken from recent experience!
(Sadly, in my case, it didn't turn out too well. I told the guy I had met someone else, asked if we could remain friends, and he just vanished from my life. It hurt, but at least I understood that what he wanted was more than friendship...or maybe all he wanted was sex (lol)...but once the sex went away, so did he! Ces't la vie, my dear...sometimes men are like that...but at least it got me off the hook!)
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