A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Much true. I've been married for almost 15 years, but have never been truly happy. I am very much an optimistic extrovert while my husband is a pessimistic introvert. Our bad times far outweigh the good, but we've continued to try. I'm finally to the point I want OUT! My husband has ALWAYS been a great provider and in his mind he thinks that should be enough, but for me it's not. He never wants to go out and meet new people or do anything. He is verbally abusive at times and openly shows favoritism to our youngest son, in part I believe to hidden resentment to our oldest son for me getting pregnant @ 20. I do believe he loves me and our family and I do love him I just don't believe it's in the right way. We've been to a therapist on and off for the past 3 years. My husband has basically alienated himself from all other family and friends so when he says we are all he has left that is pretty much true. I don't want to destroy him because I do care deeply for him, but I want to move on. Is it wrong and selfish of me to want to find true happiness and have a mate who enjoys life with me going places and doing things? I don't have much money of my own and my parents aren't supportive because they think since he is such a great provider I need to accept the bad with the good. So how do I do it? Am I making the right decision? I have a hard time picturing my life w/o him, but when I picture it with him 10 years down the road we'll still be arguing and I'll still be stuck at home w/ fewer and fewer friends. He says all he wants is me and doesn't understand why I need others in my life. I have tried to explain it's not that I don't love him (and I have NEVER nor will I cheat) but I need an outside social circle....Is this wrong?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): I could have written your post it is nearly exactly the same as my situation. I have been married for 16 years. My husband seems quite content to have no friends and hardly see family. His family dislike me anyway - perhaps that is the problem - but I, like you, crave a fun life and I am a sociable person. I have tried to bring about a social life for us both but I find my husband awkward at these events and I find myself making up for his lack of sociability. I do not have children and I think my unhappy state has led to this being the case. I am planning to leave this year because although, like you, my parents have dismissed me in my complaints and unahppiness and just felt that my husband 'can't be that bad' and that in an old fashioned way he puts a roof over my head and we have financial stability - it is not enough. Like you I get scared when I think of being in this situation in another 10 years. My life is passing me by.... you must feel the same way? I don't think we are selfish. I think our husbands are selfish for considering that we deserve no more than the leftovers of (un)happiness they give us. Its not enough. When the unbearable feeling rises up take action. I have spoken to a solicitor to find out where I stand financially. This has given me information to support my decision. One step at a time. I have even started to look online for properties to rent - again - imagining myself in them gives me additional 'support' in considering a life on my own. The way I look at it is that I would be more happy on my own than trapped like this and when you weigh that up its time to make the leap of faith. I know that I can build a great social life and get out there and see and do things without the cloud of misery hanging over me. My husband is also verbally abusive and plays mental games to control me and keep me down - but I know what he is doing. I have lost friends of my own because of my husband as they don't think I am happy and yet I have stayed.. and that is the final straw for me. I wish you luck. Don't feel selfish - life is for living. Grab it.
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