A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’ve recently moved in with my boyfriend, and I’ve noticed he makes comments every time I eat something. Anything. Like it’s too big or too much or I’m going to spoil my appetite if I have a snack. I don’t eat that much and I’m a thin girl so I’m quite offended when he makes comments because he makes me feel like I eat too much. I’d understand if I’m fat but I’m not and I don’t think I’m getting fat but it makes me really paranoid. I find myself secretly eating when he goes to the bathroom and he still makes comments because “he can hear” How do I tackle the situation?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2020): ‘It IS the norm that (women especially) gain weight when they feel secure in a relationship’Lol , no , it is a fact that many people both men and women tend to gain weight as they get older however women gain weight more easily than men and are designed to carry a higher percentage of body fat . More importantly though is that society and mysogynistic people (mysogynistic can be male or females ) tend to notice and comment on female weight gain and bodies more readily / Hence comments such as ‘ women especially ‘ and the comments you are receiving from your partner . Unfortunately we live in world where some men and. women have been trained to monitor and comment on women’s bodies without even thinking about how wrong it is when they wouldn’t ever dream of doing the same to a man. They make broad sweeping comments, generalisations and judgements about how women’s bodies. This is really doubly incredible considering women’s bodies undergo so many more changes than men’s do with pregnancies and childbirths yet we are somehow held under the magnifying glass even by our own gender at times! There is zero reason for him to comment on what you eat. Ask him directly why he does it would be my advice .
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 April 2020):
 Is this the ONLY thing he harps on?
Is he much older than you?
Is he financially in charge?
I'm wondering if he is doing what his mother used to do to him. The whole "spoiling your appetite" it's such a parent-child thing to say.
And if it IS every time you eat (not just if you snack right before dinner or lunch) then it IS a control issue. Does he come from a family with obese people? Does he have issues with overweight women? It IS the norm that (women especially) gain weight when they feel secure in a relationship. Not that ALL women totally let themselves go, but it is common to gain a little when moving in. That might be where his ISSUE stem from. NOT that I am excusing it. AT ALL.
Have you EVER put your foot down? Like, ACTUALLY told him, look Bob, I'm an adult and I can absolutely be in charge of what and when I eat, I don't NEED you to "mother" me. Or ask him why he think what and when you eat is actually his business? Do you comment when He is eating? Having a cup of tea or coffee?
I actually think this will escalate into other areas. Like what you wear, your make up, who you go out to see and spend time with (away from him), how often you see family etc. etc. It doesn't sound healthy. And I don't think you can make him stop. Maybe he will temporarily, but it will pick back up.
The thing that is SO common when people move in together is that they get to see a "different" side to their partner, one they had no idea existed because they didn't behave that way when not spending a lot of time together.
I would seriously address it next time and if it doesn't stop PRONTO, consider moving out asap.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2020): With a big piece of cake
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2020): If you feel you're unable to bring yourself to discuss it with your boyfriend; then you may have to move-out, before the intimidation of his badgering you while eating starts to take-effect. You're already reacting to it.
Modifying a person's behavior (brainwashing in this instance), or torturing someone, is effective through repetition. It gains best results when aggression and consistency is applied. You may be triggered by this; because in the past, you may recall your parents scolding or admonishing you about how you eat or behave. He may note that you are somewhat intimidated or obedient to your parents. Particularly your mother, if you've intimated to him that you and she may not get along; or she tends to frequently criticize you. He will use it as a tool to control you; thinking he's molding and disciplining you into the person he wants you to be. This is not a good environment for someone timid, or with a passive-nature.
It is best you remove yourself from this environment. The clue you gave that it's getting to you; is when you indicated that you find yourself eating behind his back.
You don't seem to have the personality to deal with a guy like that. I agree with others who've advised that you should leave. I don't think simply having a discussion is enough; because a reasonable person wouldn't go as far as he has. You shouldn't have to ask him to stop; because he should already know it's wrong! He can see with his own eyes it bothers you.
Marshaling someone's eating habits may be what he is accustomed to coming from the household he was raised in. It's not necessary when you haven't employed him to be your nutritionist, or you haven't requested him to be your table-nazi. Helpful suggestions are one thing; but badgering you at the table is another.
This, my dear, is a what I'd consider a red-flag! There's more to come!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2020): Hi
He doesn't think you eat too much. He wants to see how much control he can exert over you until you tell him where to get off.
To comment on the fact that he can hear you eating when he's in the shower tells me how much of an areshole he is. The trouble with these a...holes is that you can tell them to stop all you like, as has been suggested to you, but they rarely do. Your boyfriend knows that he's making you feel uncomfortable eating around him and this is just him getting his kicks, controlling you.
If he did indeed stop commenting on your eating, if you asked him to, means that he would commence other controlling behaviours instead. So you have to accept the fact that you are with a guy who is exhibiting controlling, abusive behaviour and leave, unless you want more of the same.
The only reason that exists for him commenting on your eating, is as I have stated above, otherwise what other earthly reason could there be?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2020): You moved in with a controlling emotional abuser. The longer you stay the worse it is going to get. He has already taken control of you because you're sneaking eating. How much more control are you willing to give him?
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (19 April 2020):
 It sounds like a very controlling behaviour on his part, and it is already giving you a complex around food, and now your eating when he is out of the room, or in the shower. This is no way to live your life.
If he is controlling about this, what else is he going to be controlling about further down the line, what you wear, who you talk to, where you go.
I would advise broaching the subject and telling him how you feel. If things don't change then i suggest you move out and end this relationship.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (19 April 2020):
 You are already starting to get anxiety around food. That is how eating disorders can start. In fact, yours are already starting as you are trying to "eat in secret".
What are you getting out of this relationship? Is this how you want to live the rest of your life, grabbing bites to eat while your boyfriend is in the shower?
In your shoes I would be looking for a place of my own and moving out as quickly as possible. The guy sounds like a control freak. You deserve better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2020): Honestly, I would break up with him. I'm sure he has many great qualities, and yeah it's 'just food', but those constant comments would be enough to make ANYONE self conscious and give them anxiety around food. Definitely not something you want or need to start having an issue with. As you say, you are fit. Some people have fast metabolisms and actually need a lot of food to maintain an average weight. This is just going to create issues and anxiety for you. Why is this worth it?
Also, if he nit picks and criticizes about this, he is bound to do it about other things down the road. Do you really want to live a life like this?
You could try talking to him about it and ask him why he seems so concerned with you eating? See what he says. It could be he is cheap and doesn't want to spend money on food, it could be that he is worried about you gaining weight and is controlling. I can't really think of a good explanation TBH. I'd dump him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2020): You moved in with a guy you're afraid of? You're a full-grown woman who can't tell someone insulting you to your face that you'd appreciate if he wouldn't make comments every-time you eat?
This is like a scene out the old Joan Crawford movie "Mommy Dearest!"
Better nip it at the bud! It starts-out as passive-aggressive comments; and then progresses to a full-blown narcissist! This guy is a control-freak!
He's insulting you, but you want us to tell you how to make him stop; without upsetting him, so you won't lose your jerk of a boyfriend! Right?
Why did you move-in with this guy, if you're not grown-up enough to stand-up for yourself when he's out-of-line? You're going to have to stop him, or hide and eat. In your own home??? Your post seems like it was written by an abused foster-child.
What kind of advice would you be expecting? I am quite curious. The obvious remedy is to tell him to STOP!
There are going to be a lot times he'll speak out-of-line; and that's when you must let him know your boundaries. If you're going to cower to this; girlfriend, you never should have moved-in with him! He's testing you to see how much control he has over you.
You shouldn't move-in with people who show you they don't respect you, and proceed to walk all over you. Do you need this guy so badly you'll let him upset you, and have to come to an advice site to ask people what to do?
Tell him to stop doing that!!! We can't give you a backbone transplant. Use the one you were born with, girlfriend! Ignore him! Eat as much as you please right there in-front of him. Then when you're done, tell him never to speak to you in that way ever again! Who is this guy, your second-mother? Tell him you have a mother, and you'll eat until your appetite is satisfied. Like most people do!
If you don't have the nerve, move-out when he's at work. Hope you can still move-back to wherever you came from!
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