A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Where do I begin. I'm even scared to start, because this means I will have to remember all he has done to me. I can't talk to my friends about it, because he was such a jerk, that I am expected to by all of them to be so over him already. Let me describe you to him, he is 22, no job,no school degree,does nothing productive of his life. He is not good looking, but for some reason I am attracted to him a lot. As for me, not to brag, but my friends have pointed this out so many times, and i know i can do better but i just dont want to and i dont know why i can't just get over him. I graduated high school, and played college tennis with a full ride. Already done with college because i am attempting to go pro for tennis, i also model, have done many fashion shows for clothing brands etc. Anyways i am completely heartbroken, and need some sense in my life before i go insane. The big problem is i don't know if he ever loved me truly, if ever meant anything to him. He was never the type of person to tell me how he felt, and sometimes i think he was only with me for my body. It started june 2008. Yes, it has been forever. We were never in a true relationship, because he was never ready for one, first due to his ex gf, saying he was still in love with her, but liked me, and couple of months ago, he said it was because he was just going through rough patches in his life and couldn't treat me well (he started doing drugs) anyways, we started hooking up june 2008, but none of our group of friends knew. Some started finding out, but thinking it was nothing serious. He didn't want to go public, but we ended up telling our closest friends we were just dating/hooking up. I told him I wouldn't lose my virginity to him though, until we were in a relationship. Well the relationship never came, he left me on and off for his ex girlfriend, then for another girl. But always coming back to me, and me always taking him back. Because I had fallen in love with him. I never told him that I loved him until August 2009. I told him I was in love with him and that I knew our problem, and that it was that he wasn't in love with me and thats why he never wanted to be in a relationship. Well he replied saying, no that's not it. but never said yes I am in love with you too. (Yes i know he probably never loved me just used me and i can't face the truth) But then why do i sitll feel like this? One night we were together and he said "Tell me you love me" and i said "I love you" and...in a way i lost my virginity to him that night. Kind of. He didn't go all the way in, we didnt exactly have sex, but he went in halfway (idk if that counts, does it?) anyways we tried a couple other times but never actually did it fully. Anyways, yes i didnt follow my own rules. I said i would not do it until we were in a relationship, but I was so in love with him, we had been hookin up on enough for so long by this time that i thought maybe this was a way for him to want to make me his. Turns out we ended up arguing couple of days later, because he never replied my texts on time, he would act like a jealous bf when he never wanted the title of bf and gf on us. He would do these drugs, and forget to call me and text me back for even a whole day and just make up excuses. He would refuse to put a condom on when we tried having intercourse. Yes he is satan, worse guy i have ever been with, well most serious guy i have ever gotten this far with. And maybe that is why i haven't let go, i can't seem to forgive myself for dating such a horrible person. The end comes even worse, since we argued, i decided to stop texting him back that night... because i called and he didnt pick up but he texted me back saying whats up? and didnt even bother to call back so i said screw it, im not texting him back, im done with this. So i stopped texting him, i crossed my heart and hoped to die, and tried so hard to not text him back. He called the next 2 days but not until like 3.30am or 4am, and would leave me texts lk "ok don't pick up, f*ck it." and i kept ignoring him because i was hoping at some point he would miss me enough to call me at a decent time of the day or apologize through a text at least. Well he never did, the only nice text he sent was "i just wish you could call me, i miss you very much, no matter what i still want to be your friend" that made me more upset, because it meant he would be just fine by just being friends? that weekend of that week i stopped talkin to him, I went to our friends bday party and he was there, we didnt say hi to each other. but his friend sat next to me and said to me and this other girl, that my guy thought this girl at the party was cute and he was gonna hook up with her. I couldnt believe what i was hearing. then i found out he already had a hook up for that night, and had been hooking up that week i stopped talkin to him with this girl, and was treating her bad too. But then he met this girl at the party, and 3 weeks later i check facebook and they were in a realtionship. We never messaged each other again, and he is now according to what he puts on facebook. In love with her, and would do anything for her etc... 2 months later i was supposed to move to a different country so when he found out he send me a long text apologizing saying he did love me and he was sorry he didnt show it and that one day i will understand why he did all that to me (i guess he meant why he never asked me out) etc...i replied saying, i guess me and you just were never meant to be, i wish you and your gf the best, shes lucky she got to love you, unlike me. and that was that...i left to another country for 3 months. I got back 2 weeks ago, and he found out cause we have the same friends, next thing i know im on facebook and i saw he deleted me... it completely threw me off. I didnt do or say nothing for him to delete me. Im sorry whoever is reading this, i know its so long but i need advice. I know after all the bad things he did, you can only tell me to move on and what was i thinking. But trust me i think about it every day, and i know i have to but its so hard. I love him and hate him. and hate myself for still even loving him at least a little bit. I guess in my mind i have hope that maybe he just really loved me and was scared to face it and so he just asked out that girl because he knew she wouldnt hurt him since he doesnt really love her. but thats probably what i think only cause it makes me feel better right? the thing that hurts is that... i'll just never know the truth.. i never will know if the guys i (think) lost my virginity to, loved with all my heart for the first time...ever loved me... :-(
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condom, drugs, ex girlfriend, facebook, heartbroken, his ex, jealous, lost my virginity, move on, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2010): "pick your battles" is a very hard lesson to learn in life.
When you are young you wanna do the best you can and test yourself. Sometimes people do that by trying to make a pretty hopeless relationship work. It's a painful process. But eventually your life starts passing you by. You need to stop trying to win this one and cut your losses. You hate yourself for what you've done so far but you will eventually look back and hate yourself even more for your stubborn refusal to give up on this. It's just the wrong fight and you can't make it the right one.
Don't keep investing your emotional worth in whether or not he ever loved you. Right now the relationship is still running and that means the ongoing power struggle to maintain things will stand in the way of him answering that honestly. He's only ever going to answer that honestly when he really knows it's permanently over with you. That probably won't really sink in with him until you've already been gone for a while. Months, maybe a few years.
I am saying that eventually you may be able to get some real closure with him. But I don't think you are going to get that any time soon. You need to break things off from him regardless of whether it feels finished or not. YOU have to finish it, he won't.
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