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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Every time I'm angry or upset with my boyfriend I remember all the things about him that made me angry or upset in the past, and it makes me feel worse. E.g. I'm upset that he bailed the last minute when we had plans and I'm starting to think of the time when he didn't plan or do anything special for my birthday, or when he was rude, or that he can be emotionally unavailable, etc. It's absolutely involuntary, I'm not making myself think of those times on purpose, it just pops up in my head and I feel like it makes my reactions 10 times worse. It's definitely not healthy as these issues are completely unrelated. Does it ever happen to anyone else? How do I make it stop?I feel like I need to let go somehow, and then I think that I have, but next time I'm upset with him it comes right back to me. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 October 2016):
 You are not alone and you are not a weirdo and it is great that you realized you have a problem with obsessing about past slights and you are seeking help for that. Hopefully CBR will give you the tools to handle differently your negative thoughts and emotions.
BUT : haven't you ever thought, quite simply, that you and this guy might just not be suited to each other, not compatible ? Being in love is not all it takes to have a relationship and love, contrariously to popular belief, does not conquer it all.
I notice that you say " every time he makes me angry ot upset " about all the things " he did in the past. as if it were a normal, or inevitable ,thing to be routinely angry and upset at your partner, or keep putting up with bad behiavour ( while foaming inside about it , though)... Well.. it's not. If it happens often, maybe you two aren't meant to be an item or to be happy together.
He cancels plans lasr minute- if it happened once, cool, s..t happens. If it's sort of an habit for him, then no, for most people it would be a dealbreaker. He ignored your birthday... he is rude ... he can be emotionally unavailable...it does not sound like you get much respect or much attention in this relationship. So why keeping giving yourself reasons to be pointlessly and powerlessly angry ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for the replies, first of all, I'm happy I'm not alone in this and that I'm not some kind of weirdo. It's seriously very helpful. I'm going to try taking my time before reacting, like one of you suggested, and also pretending to talk it through actually helps, I do that sometimes too:) Currently I'm trying CBT, I'm only starting, so I don't know how well that will work, but I'm very optimistic about it.
To WiseOwlE, I don't think I was clear enough, I wasn't talking about remembering things my ex used to do, I was talking about things that my current boyfriend did in the past, that add to my frustration about the things he's doing at the moment
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2016): You are very young and the traumatic experiences in your life make a very serious impact. This I understand.
It takes time to grow a tougher skin, and we do get a little skittish and oversensitive when we have little experience to draw on. We develop battle-scars for a reason. We learn, strengthen, and develop tools of survival; or we crumble under weakness.
It takes time to really get-over previous bad relationships. It's normal to recall painful episodes. It is also childish; if you can't learn to get a handle on it by the time you bring someone else into your life.
It's very difficult living with a drama-queen and perpetual victim. Not everyone is a victim of serious abuse and violence. We just have bad relationships that didn't work-out. If it's post-traumatic stress from abuse; you seek professional-help and avoid relationships until you recover.
It also depends on your ability to recover after things happen; and if you spend a lot of time dwelling on the past.
If it doesn't require therapy, then it requires self-discipline and self-control. That's what therapy leads to, and that is the main objective. To handle it on your own.
It may also mean you dragged your baggage into a new relationship; and didn't give yourself enough time to heal from the previous one. You may have jumped into a new one too soon, as a bandage over your hurt feelings. That's not his fault. Immature behavior tends to create drama that will backfire for sure. You will sabotage all present and future relationships; if you don't get a grip, girlfriend.
Don't give us that you can't help it excuse. It means you don't care enough to try. He's not your ex, doesn't deserve to be punished for your ex, and you wouldn't want him to take-out old experiences with his exes on you.
If we can't practice self-control and behave as adults in an adult-relationship; we have no business having one. Chances are, we'll kill them anyway; because that is the outcome when you don't grow-up. One failed relationship after the other, and blaming everybody else. Never owning it, just excusing it while the other person suffers.
Then who's the problem?!!
Remember, you're not perfect. You have flaws and imperfections he will have to put-up with out of you. Setting standards shouldn't be so high you can't reach them yourself. Guys do stupid things; but I've never met anyone I've been with for any period of time, who doesn't screw-up or piss me off sometimes. I screw up and make mistakes; but I'll take the blame for what I do, not for some ex!
Don't be surprised if you drive him away to give you room to get-over your ex. You can only tolerate people who overreact to a point. Then you have to bail!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2016): I did this. Totally understand how frustrating it is and agree it does make your reaction worse as I've been exactly the same.Mine honestly stemmed from issues in my past and I also had underlying anxiety issues. I went to my doctor about my anxiety and a short term course of low dose medication and some counselling helped me the most. The meds meant I was able to think rationally without my brain automatically going into over drive and worrying about all the past episodes, so I had more time to react appropriately as I could think clearer. Counselling helped me understand my trust issues and that in an argument, because my counsellor and I had unpicked how I find it incredibly hard to trust anybody and rely on myself, subconsciously I was feeling proved right. So whatever that happened to cause an argument was just proving to me I couldn't trust anyone and then my brain would jump to all the other occasions my partner might have let me down or I had felt frustrated with him or whatever and further fuelled my belief and therefore my reaction was disproportionate to the event. Basically in the moment you have to just take 10 seconds to consider your thoughts - as a minimum. It's hard, and it takes effort on your part to stop the cycle of rehashing old arguments bit you've already noticed you do it - which is great and now you can take action to recognise when it's happening and maybe saying, calmly as possible "I need 5 minutes to just have some space so I can come back and sort this out calmly - so it's not an argument". Go for a walk around the block, or sit in another room to compose yourself and actually tell yourself that the other issues are resolved, focus on now and now only. Plan what you want to say, and when you return to speak make sure you also listen to your partner and allow them to have their say too (because realistically it often 'takes two to tango' and no person is entirely blameless so both people need to recognise their area of blame, own it and apologise for it).
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2016): Been there hun. Honestly I just think you feel like that as you know overall you deserve better than how he's treating you. I've been with someone like that- bailed last minute, promised nice things that never happened, was emotionally unavailable at times, and it took me until after it finished to realise I was unhappy and deserved more. Leapords don't change their spots & if I were you I'd find someone who treats you the way you want to be treated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2016): I do the same thing with my boyfriend of five years. When those thoughts pop into my head I have a couple ways of dealing with it. First I say all the angry things that I'm feeling at that moment to myself. That is, I pretend I'm telling him how angry I still am and why I am for all these other things in the past. That helps me get my frustrations at him out of my system. Then I concentrate on all the good things about him. At that point I can see that the good out-weighs the bad. This all seems to help me clear my mind, calm me and think in a more reasonable manner.
I don't expect I'll ever get rid of these angry feelings that pop up now and then, but at least I've figured out a system to help myself and my relationship. Hope this helps you!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2016): "How do I make it stop?"
Dump him and find a boyfriend who doesn't make you angry or upset on a regular basis.
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