A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, bit of a long one this, so I apologise in advance.I have made a stupid mistake for which I am paying for now...Basically, I found out my partners password to a certain social networking site and I made the mistake of logging onto her account and reading her private messages.I know, I know... I only have myself to blame. Trust me, I have learnt my lesson and so wish I hadn't done it.Anyway, I read some stuff I didn't like.She was messaging her best friend about this male friend they both have (I know of him but I don't really know him, if that makes sense).She said how she had fallen in love with him and dreamed about their house together and the pets they were going to have, etc etc.There was other stuff too, along those lines, but you get the gist.Reading this made me sick. We had a few problems at the end of last year but everything seemed to be ok now but these messages were recent.I did what I had to do- I admitted to logging on as her and told her what I had read. She was understandably shocked and very annoyed (who wouldn't be?!) But she actually took it surprisingly well.She said that those messages were just jokey and messing around. She assures me that there is nothing going on between them. I just find it strange that someone who is in a relationship (that is now supposed to be solid again) and in her mid 20s, can say those sorts of things about someone other than their partner. What do people reckon? I'm trying so hard to believe her. We don't live together so we do have lots of time apart and I know she sees this guy regularly and often gets drunk with him (usually as part of a group). Until now this hasn't bothered me. I trusted her. But now, I have doubts. What do I do?I can't keep asking her to repeat that the messages weren't serious but how can I deal with it.Not only does she now not trust me to respect her privacy (she's changed her password now, I assume, thank god!) which is totally understandable (I feel ashamed for what I did) but now I have doubts... and I don't want them.Please help!!Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2009): Hi again!
I'm sorry that it has come to this... at least right now. And I hope things work out for you, but relationships work both ways and if one person does not have the basic just desire to want things to work than thats definitely a problem. Love is something to fight for, but also knowing when and if you have to let go.
Let us know what happens if you'd like. And good luck!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): hello!The past couple of days she's wanted space. We didn't speak yesterday at all. We've spoken briefly totally today and I told her I didn't want to be left hanging.She said she needed time to think about what I had done and how she feels about it. Obviously after some time to think about it, she did feel hurt by it and is now reacting more badly than how she did straight after.She said that right now she didn't know what to do- she said she wants to get over this but doesn't know if she can.She said she was hurt that I didn't trust her and that I invaded her privacy.Meanwhile i'm playing the waiting game and still not sure what to think about the things I read.It makes me feel so sad and numb that a relationship that was so so so good for a year has come to this.Yes, I made a stupid mistake. I want to talk about it and work things out in the open. However she is the opposite and there's not so much I can do about that. She's busy with work right now and I don't want to get in the way of that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): Me, again! Any new developments?I still think the not wanting you around her friends is a bit strange.... Yes, its great to have your own time, I agree but can you not all hang out in a group like once or twice a month? Again, yes, you two are a couple, but you are also friends right? So why does she separate you? I don't understand maybe because I have never excluded a bf from my friends or been excluded from his friends. And I get that she is a private person, I can totally be that way too (and my bf is usually the one that always wants to talk like you! Ha!) but I am willing to communicate if it is important or least say that I'm not ready to talk now but I'll tell you when I am. You sound like you compromise more than her. Be sure of what you want from this relationship and communicate it to her and she should want to at least meet you halfway or try to understand better where you are coming from. Like you said people can't be changed so all you can do is communicate and accept what can't be changed... but not at the cost of your own self respect. I learned the hard way that you always have to stand up for the things that are important to you if you want to be happy... don't apologize for the way you feel... there's always a reason you feel the way you do (don't let people tell you your just being crazy!)... any way you feel is valid and remember that while other people are important, you are as well
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2009): Thanks again for the replies.Not sure if anyone will read this again, but I will reply anyway.The trouble with asking for reassurance is that I have done that in the past. I have felt inferior to her ex's before and other stuff that I have actively seeked reassurance for.When we were going through our difficult patch, she said that me always seeking reassurance from her got too 'tiring' for her and she became fed up with it.I would like to think that these comments about this guy in the messages were just jokes, intended to make her friend feel better about her situation- they joked that her friend was stalking this guy cos she liked him but didn't know how to make a move, etc. I have said to my gf before how I would like to go out with her friends and get to know them a bit. She says that she needs her space and her own life. I do understand this...Last year we were inseparable- we spent every hour of every day together and we both missed each other so much when we weren't together. When this ended, after about 12 months, I put it down to the end of the honeymoon period. (I haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than 6 months before).I thought that her wanting her own space was just as a result of the fact that we never ever did anything apart.Anyway, this was when our 'problems' started. she said she didn't know what she wanted and she, for a short time, totally shunned me. Over the xmas vacation we had a 'break'. We still spoke on the phone once or twice (the break was a month).After we came back, things started to improve. She said she wanted to make things work.She started to introduce me to her friends when we bumped into them during the day, although she still doesn't invite me out when she goes out with them in the eve.So yeah, things started to slowly get better.Then all this messages business happened yesterday. I looked at her messages partly because I am just nosey and partly because, I do admit it, I'm naturally quite a jealous person. I guess I do sometimes look for things that I don't want to find- not because I expect them to be there but that's just the sort of person I am. I need to deal with that too, I know.I wouldn't have minded so much had these messages been written when we were having our problems but they were recent.My gf told me she loved me last week for the first time in weeks and weeks. I genuinely thought we would make it.But now this comes out of the blue.It makes me sick to know that she talks about this guy in that way, joke or not. Those thoughts must have come from somewhere.I will try to talk to her about it again. She is naturally the sort of person who does not like to talk about things. She keeps them inside. In contrast I could talk about things continuously. (Isn't that usually the other way round?! ;-) )I hope beyond hope that this is just a hurdle we have to get over. She has to learn to trust me again to not go through her things. I would willingly let her have my passwords and share all that with her. She does not want to do that. She likes her privacy and I respect that. I cannot force her to be a certain way, I know that.I also know that she needs to understand where I am coming from. I feel ashamed and guilty about looking at her messages but I don't want to feel like the sole guilty party, but I do right now.Thanks for all your advice, it does help to read it all.Hopefully hear from you again...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): I'm sorry, but I'm going to agree with one of the other femal anons who answered previously.
Maybe I'm old, so my take on this is a little different, but the fact is you snooped for a reason - and that's because something isn't just quite right in your relationship. The fact that you found something and she talked her way out of it, doesn't make things better.
You want to know how to stop your doubts? Well, maybe its not paranoia... maybe you're picking up on something here. Maybe its "male intuition" at work. We women swear by ours... you guys have it too. All it is is picking up subconciously on what's going on, that your waking mind doesn't want to see. And personally, I don't think its a matter of you having to change your mindset, but perhaps you having to figure out what's out that bottom of what's going on.
Another thing... I'm sorry, I do not and never have joked that way. A joke implies there's a punchline or something funny. What she said wasn't funny. Maybe it was said with some humor to her friend, but that doesn't make the entire thing a joke. Especially when she's spending that kiind of time with the guy in question. Maybe you need to go out with them when they do their little booze outing and see if you can pick up on some chemistry going on between them, and make up your mind from there.
Sorry, but that's my take on the situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): Hi, me again!
So it soumds like this was a bump in an otherwise good relationship. So understandably, things feel weird now but it does take time for something shocking and hurtful to pass whether it meant anything or not.
Maybe the best thing to do if you decide to move past this is to forgive and forget. That doesn't mean you never can bring it up but decide how it will or will not affect you, accept it and get past this.
I will still say this though: As your girlfriend, she should respect you and want you not to feel insecure... And I see nothing wrong with (in fact I think it would be beneficial) if you asked her to consider the situation and your feelings when she is hanging out with people when you are not there. Tell her you want nothing more than to feel reassured and that she can help by including you in her circle of friends. Thats what I would want from someone after something like this.
You guys don't have to be known as THAT COUPLE, but you guys ARE a couple and as part of each others lives... How can you be involved in just some parts of each other's lives? I would very nicely say that I would really like to get to know her friends. They can still be HER friends but I'm sure it would feel better if you felt like you were more present in all parts of her life. Just to see someone interact in their own circle of friends tells a lot. That is not intruding or trying to be too close. If my bf is bothered by something, because I respect and care for him, I will always take his opinion into consideration (regardless of what I decide) and I remain my own person with my own friends. After what happened I would love the opportunity to do something to ease his feelings of doubt. Explain that its just the way you feel and it would help a lot if she could support you through this. You don't seem like a crazy overreacting overbearing guy and its a simple request just to be and stay close to each other.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): oh and in reply to someone else- I asked her to change her password.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): Thanks so much for replying again. Your comments are reassuring.The issue with her wanting to keep her friends separate has been going on a while but I do kinda understand it.We're at uni as mature students and last year (our first year) we met right at the start and got together. Everyone we knew then knew us as a couple, not as individuals.So now the honeymoon period is well and truly over, she wants friends who know her as an individual and not one half of a couple. I still want to spend all my time with her but I understand that she wants her own friends and freedom to see them, etc. Thats normal right?I guess my only issue is these doubts I'm now having. I don't want them to fester away inside- thats why I came clean with her. She has done her best to reassure me but i'm still asking myself if there is something going on...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): Hi again,
I was the one that asked you all those questions..
So everything sounds awkward but okay, except the only thing that seems a bit strange is why does she want to keep those friends separate from you. I am early 2o's and my bf is mid 30's and I have guy friends my age who I get drunk with. And when he says he wants to meet them, its no problem! I explain that he hasnt before because its a different dynamic and I think he wouldn't fit in because everyone is being so immature but he is always more than welcome to come, ESPECIALLY if I know that it eases his insecurities.
I still do think that the part about 'dreaming of a future' hurts.. definitely! But the depth and detail (pets!) shows all the more that it was a joke! I'm not saying she was right in doing this. And yes joke or not, it feels bad. Communicate this to her without making her feel like she did wrong. Your feelings are valid if you want to talk she should listen, just tell her how YOU feel without making her feel like she caused it.
As for the New Year's texts, that is in the past when thigs were rough and hard as it may be, you have to move beyond that. And if you are worried that she disrespects you in texts to others, I think that is a deeper issue there. Time needs to pass before you will feel totally secure. try not to read more into this than necessary. See her for the person you have known her and see her to be.
The only way to be happy and together is to get past this. I will check back if you want to respond!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): I don't know why you feel quite so ashamed. Sometimes we are drawn to do something for a reason - even if quite out of character. You have been honest with her at least. My personal view, as a woman, is that there is no smoke without fire. Ok you can excuse this as flirting but its pretty heavy duty stuff when you type things out or write things down regarding your feelings for another man. Its not just idle womens chit chat over too many glasses of wine. The fact she has now changed her password speaks volumes - if there was nothing to hide it would remain the same and she would just think "oh well, it doesn't matter if he reads it I've got nothing to hide". She goes out with her 'friends' and yet you have not met her male friends. I always find this odd.... I mean if I had male friends I would definitely want them to be friends with my boyfriend. I would like that - it would make things really comfortable. Personally although she did not go totally mad I think you should monitor the situation because as I said earlier - its not right that she even joked about that really. Stating she was 'in love' and dreaming of a future. I am amazed you didn't finish with her. If I'd found that on my boyfriends email or whatever it would have been over. Sometimes I think all this 'being chilled out and not too heavy' means its an excuse to blur the boundaries of a respectful relationship when we feel like it. I think you deserve better. Oh and by the way... I managed to get on my ex-husbands email when he accidentally left himself logged in. I found flirty emails to a couple of women he went on a yoga holiday with. When I confronted him he said he will have to be more careful next time and subsequently he changed his password. I never trusted him again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): Not sure if this is the right way to reply to your answers. Thanks for them.To answer your questions. She is mid 20's. Her friend wasn't joking about him but but she was about some other guy (her friend is single).These messages were sent on different occasions.Yeah, they did seem joking in manner but they were still strange to read. There was one message where my partner mentioned sending some 'drunken new year's texts' to him. I don't really remember the context but there was some issue about her being embarrassed by them and how she would let him 'contact her next time' or something like that... That seems a bit strange.I asked her about this and she said that she sent a 'gobbledie gook' text saying happy new year, etc... but the message I read definitely said about some textS, not just one. I guess this is what's bothering me most. But also the combination of that and also her 'dreaming of her life with him' which hit me pretty bad. As far as the new years thing goes, that was when we were going through our bad patch and I hadn't seen her for a week or so before then or a week or so after that either.I have briefly met him. He seems cool- thats part of the problem!As far as going out with the group is concerned, my partner likes to keep those friends separate from me, which I understand. So I can't really ask her to go out with them all... I just wouldn't want to do that! And what if the 'drunken texts' were about me or saying how she'd rather be with him, etc??!! I wouldn't be able to talk to him if we went out, in case that was the case.I love my girlfriend so very much and I want everything to be fine like it was sometime ago. I can't keep asking her if she is lying to me when she says she's not! I don't know what to do.I so want to stop having these niggling doubts. She's told me nothing is going on, how she thinks of this guy as a little brother. Why can't I believe her?I just have the things she said to her friend going round in my head- I fell in love with him, I dream about our lives together and our house, etc etc.Please help me! I want to get rid of these doubts!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): I can definitely see it from both points of view. And its very commendable for you to have owned up to what you did! A couple of questions. How old is she because I am early 20's and I could see me or one of my friends joking around in that way. Were both she and her friend joking about it back and forth, or was she the only one saying those things because if it was both of them, then they were most likely kidding around. Did the messages sound like she was asking for advice or help or she was troubled? If they were lighthearted, then why would someone who is conflicted between 2 people be so happy? And how was the tone/language? Did it seem like it was in a joking manner? If it was very exaggerated, I would believe that it was all in fun.The most important factor is how you feel she is behaving around/towards you, is she being different? Like if you hadn't read the messages, would you have a weird feeling regardless do you think? And the fact that she took it surprisingly well, is maybe because she knows she hasn't betrayed you and so theres is no guilt or fear. Yes, girls can be that lame and silly. But you know her best. And as for the her getting drunk with him, if there has never been a problem and they have been friends, I would not see a reason to worry. But for your sanity, maybe you can talk to her... maybe meet this guy or hang out with him and your gf in a group so you can see their interaction. If all is well, she should have no problem introducing you to him!Hope this helps.. Good luck!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): Just to add- I obviously put my date of birth in wrong. I'm actually 24 and she is 25, not that it makes any difference though.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): Hi, join the club. There seems to bee an awful lot of this sort of thing going on. I discovered flirty texts between my husband and a work colleague last June and still haven't got over it although he swears it was a 'game' and I know for a fact it has stopped. Like you, we had had problems but the texts continued even when we were, as you say, 'solid again'. In my case, I can't get the betrayal out of my head although your problem sounds slightly different. I would hate my husband going out in any group where she was involved even though he says there is no way he would want her in his life and it was all fantasy as we were going through a bad time when it started. Hope you come to terms with it better than me.
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