A
male
age
36-40,
*ntrex24
writes:Hi, my girlfriend and i have been dating for almost 4 years. we are currently doing a LDR where shes in Boston and im in NJ. She will be there for a year. We had gone to college together and spent almost every waking minute with each other. I realize that, that was not the best thing to do. I am hoping and i think that this time apart from each other will help our realtionship to grow as long as she wants to commit to the relationship. Heres my problem, i think i am falling for this girl and our relationship is VERY one sided. Usually i have to initiate sex, im the one that shows affection, i try and do my all to make her happy. I have two questions, does anyone know why she would do this? and my other question is How do i stop putting her on the pedestal? everything i do is for her and i dont want to do that because i think that it is pushing her away. I cant help but think about her all the time. Please help me! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, sofrus +, writes (4 September 2011):
I am sorry, but I think it is over. She just wants to keep you as a backup or a token maybe. Perhaps you should say it is a break and attempt to see other people. Then when/if she calls you, you can still visit and have fun.
A
male
reader, intrex24 +, writes (4 September 2011):
intrex24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwow thank you so much you wish.
After her year in Boston is unceratain, she does no live in NJ and lives in RI. She will be going to grad school after this year, as will I. However the location of grad school is unknown. Im really not sure where this is going because she doesn't seem to know either. About two months ago she said she thought that she would want a break when she went to Boston but recently she changed her mind.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 September 2011):
 Actually, I don't think that this is about you putting her on any pedestals, though that does sound better to your conscience and ego to say that.
The truth is far simpler. You are insecure about the relationship and are afraid to lose her, and you feel that the distance and her emotional distance doesn't bode well. In response, you are wanting to cling to her in order to keep what you have, and your brain is playing tricks on you in terms of trying things to get her to warm up and commit.
So let's leave the whole "pedestal" wording behind. First thing to clear up is this. Is the long distance relationship a temporary issue with a definite end in sight? You said she's there for a year, so I'm assuming that her chances of return are 100%. Good.
Second, you need to do the opposite of what you feel like doing. Here's why. Obsessing about her and clinging is like smothering a fire with a jacket. You'll put the flame out. Same with trying to wrangle a commitment out of her. You're right -- distance can help the relationship, but even moreso, your confidence and poise will do a better job.
I would suggest keeping up the idea of monthly visits, but not spending every waking day calling and texting. Let the relationship breathe. Give it a few days between calls so you have something to talk about when you do. Not only that, but don't initiate sex with her. Enjoy yourself with her. Listen to her adventures there.
Also, the "everything I do is for her" nonsense??? Why don't you retire that along with the whole pedestal nonsense. Be confident in yourself. You do deserve her. Remember, your relationship, including the distance, is a marathon, not a sprint. Don't talk to her every hour and text her 9000 times. If she texts you, be really warm and happy to text. Do not let your texts become mundane, as in "How are you? I'm good. I'm bored. What are you doing?".
Be confident. Be cool. Don't be insecure. It will either happen, or it won't. And what you do isn't for her. It's for both of you. You do not obsess over her. That's not love. And hold off on initiating sex, yet do visit once per month. Let the relationship breathe.
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A
male
reader, intrex24 +, writes (4 September 2011):
intrex24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSofrus i feel that you are 100% correct. In fact i have been trying to do that and have had some success.But another question is how much do you think we should be talking (IM, phone, text). What is enough? I was thinking about visiting her once a month.
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A
female
reader, sofrus +, writes (4 September 2011):
I think you need to back off a bit. Think about how much you would love to have her chase you and use that as a motive to be casual. Let her wonder about you.
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