A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,Im feeling guilty about something bad that i did, it was shady and not very nice, and i am lucky to still have my gf afterwards (it seems).I promised myself i would never do this, but i managed to, hate myself for it, and i got caught out aswell, i guess its good that i did get caught.I looked (well more skimmed) through my gf's message history on msn. i know where the temptation came from, my ex, after catching her having cyber-sex with a few guys, she admitted doing it for money and for fun.when skimming i only spotted out the bad bits that i didnt like, instead of looking at the whole conversation. i then closed it down catching myself doing it, frustrated with myself and what i saw i went into auto-pilot and made up a lie "why is this person asking if you are naked or in your pj's?" i asked her, afterwards i realised what i had just gotten myself into, but didnt want to come out and own up for fear of retribution. now the lie was rolling and in my mind i had to keep it up, now its been told. she asked this guy if he sent her anything and she checked her message history for this "fake" message. she couldnt find it, so she asked me if i made it up because i was too afraid to admit i looked through her message history briefly and took it out of context...i stamoured at first because my mind wanted to carry on lieing and add a little more onto it, like it didnt save the message because it wanted to archive the convo or somethingI didnt carry on the lie, i admitted remorsefully that i did look through the message history, she gave me 2 big chances to own up, i didnt see it. i told her everything and told her that i was sorry and i had a lapse in self controll :/ paranoia overcame me. she hasnt done anything to break my trust appart from flirt with one guy and kiss him when they met at a club. but thats stopped since he went to iraq. anyway, i feel very bad about what i have done, i want to make it up to her or atleast do the right thing in the majority's eyes. i probably do have some trust issues to work out and i am ashamed in myself for loosing control and doing what i did. despite my bad history with girls, i should have more faith and not do what i did, how do i stop myself in the future from feeling the need to snoop?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2009): Here's the thing with snooping... you will always find something that pisses you off because that's exactly what you're looking for. No one ever starts reading another person's email to look for something good. Think about this before the next time... Snooping will always leave you disappointed.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2009): Realizing that you have the problem is a good step. And then next time, remind yourself how bad you feel right now about the whole thing. Also remind yourself that itæs paranoid, obsessive, controling and possibly manipulative behavour. If you give in, you will get worse and worse at it, until you have no trust in anybody anymore. And believe me you will be miserable, because how good can life be if you can't trust anyone, and how many will you make miserable if you continue to snoop? Think about that this is about both them and also YOU. You will be tormentig yourself, do you really want to do that to yourself?
I have slightly "psycothic" behavioural patterns too, like I can be very possessive and not willing to share, but when I start getting this paranoid obsessive feeling in me, I talk to someone who's very down to earth, and they snap me right back in place, telling me how crazy I sound. It's no fun being told you are doing something wrong, but if you keep getting reminded about what is not acceptable, you remember it for later. You remember all the wise words, and can tell them to yourself, and keep yourself in check.
So here's the first "matra" I will give you, I am sure others will give you more as you talk about these thoughts of yours: Trust is not something someone needs to earn, it's something you give.
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