A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a huge crush on a much older married man. How do i stop feeling so stupid? I am 21 he is 45-50. Not sure.I have known this man for 6 months now, i see him a few times a week at work. He flirts with me all the time, compliments me, jokes alot. He makes jokes about us dating, has made slightly sexual comments once or twice but nothing hardcore. From the way he acts he makes it obvious he is attracted to me. He confuses me because sometimes he will just treat me normally and sometimes even ignore me though more often he flirts. I have a huge crush on him, and have had pretty much since i first met him. I wonder why he acts this way, flirting all the time and sometimes ignoring me. I have the biggest crush on him, it makes me feel so stupid. I cant wait to see him everytime and i get so moody when i dont or when he ignores me. I think about him all the time and fantasise about if he wasn't married. When he is around i become so nervous and silly and i hate it. I know nothing will ever happen, i wouldnt let it aslong as he is married and him and his wife seem pretty happy so i dont think he would take it any further. I still wonder why he acts this way and how i can stop being so crazy about him? :(
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female
reader, Abby_C  +, writes (25 December 2012):
I can relate to your situation.I had a similar problem with a much older man, who was (and still is) engaged to an absolutely beautiful woman. He'd go between being friendly and normal, to flirty and then ignoring me completely. It was frustrating but strangely fascinating. I ended up developing a crush (despite the fact that he's not my type at all,) because he was on my mind so much.I felt guilty as hell about the crush and that just made things worse. (I mean as if I want to a, have an affair, or b, break up someone's relationship.)Looking back, I think the guy probably wasn't that much different from the older man who answered this question. He was confused and didn't know how to act. I'm pretty sure he loves his fiancee and anything he feels/felt for me is/was pretty shallow. If I had to speculate further, I'd say that he was feeling guilty and that made any vague feelings of attraction seem bigger or more important than what they truly were.There was probably also a hint of a mid-life crisis there and the thought that a younger woman was interested in him would have no doubt appealed to his ego.By now, you're probably well and truly over him but I'll give this advice to anyone who may be going through the same thing. The only time these situations have a happy ending is when the young lady in question has enough courage to walk away. Its tough, but it can happen. The guy is human, he stuffed up, and he's going to realise it and return to his partner. Meanwhile, the girl needs to have enough self-respect to stand up and acknowledge that not only is the situation unhealthy, but that she deserves better. If you want a man in your life (and you don't have to have one,) then pick someone with home you can share life's ups and downs with, learn with and grow old with. Don't settle for being an old man's play thing.And how to get rid of your crush? That's pretty simple. Just imagine a big, fat warty cane toad any time you think his name.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2012): As an older man, can I offer a view from his perspective?I can relate to the way you describe his behaviour. I find myself in the middle of something similar. I'm not especially proud of it, but the fact is, it's confusing for us too! I can't speak for your guy, but I can say that I didn't go looking for a younger woman to fall for. It just happened. And, honestly, I have no idea how to behave. That doesn't make me a bad person, and I suspect your guy isn't that either. In my case, I'm fully aware that the age gap is too big, and that the whole situation is impossible. I also know, as the older person, that's up to me to take responsibility for the situation.Having said all that, the attraction is very strong, and I can't avoid seeing her because we're in the same college class. So sometimes I ignore her because I'm trying to make it clear that there's a boundary there, a line that we really shouldn't cross. And at other times, because I'm only human, and because we like each other and get on really well, we find ourselves talking and laughing and flirting a little. And of course I like that. But then I think about the situation again, and remind myself that I have to step back. So then she probably feels ignored. Just like you.What would you like him to do? It's hard to know what to do for the best. Sometimes I think I should tell her right out how I'm feeling, but that opens a can of worms that might be better left shut. At others, I think I'll just stop talking to her at all. At yet others, I talk to her but resist allowing it to get too friendly. And all of these responses feel wrong, because it's not possible to just turn the feelings off.I think it might be best to talk about it. Clear the air, call it, acknowledge it, and then get on with being mates on the understanding that nothing can or will happen. However much either of you might want it to. But my fear for that solution is that once it's spoken, the temptation to push it further might be irresistible.What do people think? I'd really appreciate any opinions on this one.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 April 2012):
 He's married... so all he is for you is flirting fodder...
some folks taken or single are big natural flirts... I'm one... but one of the things i do is make it clear that i am in love with my partner and the implications are that flirting at work is just a way to pass the time...
what you need to do is difuse the crush... for me I usually tell my crush I have a crush on them but then as a "married" woman (i live with my fiance so I consider myself married now) with crushes on usually much younger and taken guys it's just data for us....
he acts the way he does.. because he can I guess...
and for you it will fee the crush... but hopefully you will meet someone you can be with soon which will help this crush abate a bit.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2012): Unfortunately you r describing the behavior of an older man that is very typical for this age group. That's what they do these 50 years old, they just flirt, keeping you hanging there always wondering what they mean. And in fact they don't mean anything. They are not going to make any effort to have you, they just sit there thinking if you go all the way and chase them , may be , just may be they ll have a little fling with you.
They sex drive is significantly lower than guys in their 30s. They become lazy and aloof, because they ve done it all. They know exactly how it will start and end, no more real excitement for them. They ll never leave their wives as they need someone to take care of them as old age is coming.
There is nothing mysterious here, trust me. They are lazy everywhere, in bed too.
Enjoy 20 years old guys while you can. You have plenty of time be in bed with the older dude like your guy.
Sorry to paint such a depressing picture, but I m in my 40s, and believe me every time I have a chance to have a younger lover I do it instead of choosing an older man. So while you can have whoever you want while you so young and beautiful go for your own age or a little older, and try not to crash on old guys . They are not worse a battle.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 April 2012):
 He may be just a natural flirt or he may be grooming you for an affair. If you distance yourself as much as you can, your crush will fade faster. Just don't do anything you will regret.
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