A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How do I stop my older brother phoning me all the time!!?My brother has a very arrogant and tetchy manner. Whenever you speak to him he Is always talking about himself or what he's doing - but never asks what anyone else is up to. As a result he doesn't have many close friends and women don't tend to stick by him, because of his manner. In recent months, however, he hasn't had much work - but has no intention of looking for a job - preferring to stay at his home and super scrimp or save where he can. Therefore - as he lives alone - (because his relationships with women never last) and has all this time on his hands he has started ringing me up to chat - ALL of the time. By this I mean - morning, noon and night, EVERY DAY!! Plus when he's not ringing me he texts me.Now I know he is on his own - but It's getting to the point where it's becoming infuriating and sometimes I just don't bother answering the phone as it is so annoying!! He never rings his other sister much either.If he would talk about other things rather than just talk about himself I wouldn't mind so much - but why does he feel the need to ring me 3, 4, 5 times a day just to talk drivel?!! Surely it's not natural?I'm not the sort to tell him to go away - but I do keep cutting him off with an excuse after a few minutes - so he must know he is boring me.How do I resolve this?!! It's driving me mad!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2015): How often do you go and visit him, maybe rather than talking on the phone you should arrange to go and do something together to cheer him up.
He is lonely and obviously needs somebody. My mother phones me a lot and sometimes I find it quite annoying because she's started to use slang in her texts to sound more like me lol. I work nightshifts and she even rings me when really she should know I'm asleep. Years ago when she was working a lot I hardly ever saw her or spoke to her and that was kind of upsetting to me but now she's totally the opposite way.
When she has weeks where she rings and texts me a lot I end up ringing her and saying I will come and visit because I think that's what she's after. Organise something to do with him and try and cheer him up. He is your brother.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2015): Sometimes we have to speak up and at the same time remember that we are lucky to have family at the other end of the phone, many people never hear a word from anyone else. Loneliness, understanding,support,family it's not much to ask.Tell him to stop chewing your ear off and get pro active, but offer him brief telephone calls wanting to hear about his new approach to his isolation.Use humour to to tell him that he is doing your head in, but remain compassionate as his sister while he needs you. You call his communication 'Drivel' he has no work, no partner, no friends,you try and push him off the phone which he is becoming aware of, this sounds pretty bleak for him as well as his affliction of arrogance,boring conversation. Does your brother have any good points, you only told us negative points. Come on miss perfect give bruv a little lurve even if he does infuriate you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2015): Thanks for the answers. Yes WiseOwlE - I agree he is lonely - but he is good at filling his time with DIY etc. He just needs someone to report back to - which always seems to be me seeing his girlfriends don't last.
True - I need to be less cowardly & just tell him to ring less - but I fear his arrogance would just take that comment with a pinch of salt - as he doesn't like being told what to do either.
Thanks anyway.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2015): Your older brother is lonely. Plain and simple. The only one who doesn't have the heart to just ask him go away is you.
As you grew up, his connection with you may have been different than with your other sibling. He may be arrogant in his ways, but he knows few can put up with him. He assumes it's you he can depend on, and he may also be taking advantage of your good nature. He needs an ear to listen; because he has no other form of stimulation and interaction, nor a place to vent. Who else can he talk about but himself, if he has no friends or relationships?
I don't want to presume he has a mental disorder; but if he isn't working, there has to be some depression. He has nothing to validate his sense of purpose and productivity, and this will either lead to angst and/or depression. He needs something better to do with his time, and you have to be the one to tell him so. You also have to speak-up and let him know the frequency of his calls are too much. If he doesn't get the point, put on your voice-mail.
He must have someone to turn to during anxiousness or periods he feels isolated; or he may suffer mental deterioration. When you have no outlet, your idle time will get the better of you. He doesn't have the charm it takes to win women over, and that is feeding into the anxiety that may be forcing the habitual and excessive phoning.
I would recommend keeping an eye on him; because you may become concerned when the calls suddenly stop.
Since his favorite topic is himself, how about making some suggestions about how he might find productive ways to keep himself busy, and how to earn money. Engage him and give him feedback. The more you advise him to seek other ways to fill his time, the less he will want to bother you. Your sister has probably given him a little dose of what I'm suggesting. Offer him lots and lots of advice. Stop being such a wimp, allowing him to do all the talking. Assert yourself. His problem is profound loneliness, yours is cowardice.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 September 2015):
 Have you tried telling him to stop?
Some people have compulsions they dont realize themselves. It sounds like your brother calls you this often not because he actually needs to or wants to, but because he gets a compulsion to do so. Like he is forced to do it, because it is what gives him peace of mind. It could be he has anxiety, or that he has an undiagnosed personality disorder. It actually sounds like that to me, because my dad is like this, and he's not right in the head.
I think you should look up these personality disorders and see if they fit your brother: paranoid, bipolar/borderline, and narcissistic personality disorder.
When it comes to people with a lacking empathy for others, it does not help to give hints or wait for them to realize for themselves how they smother you. You need to be crystal clear. I would gather up some guts and tell him point blank: Dear brother. I would like you to call me less often. I would like it if you would call me once a day (or three times a week, set whatever norm you like). That would be much appreciated, thank you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2015): Thanks Honeypie - you are probably right. I will try this.
OP.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 September 2015):
Personally, I wish my brother would bug me that much - but we are on a 7 hour time difference, he has a busy life, and he hates to talk on the phone. We, however, Skype once a week (sometimes I Skype with his wife and/or kids) but it's ONCE a week. It's doable.
Have you considered that he is not handling his life really well these days? That calling you that often IS what keeps him grounded?
He is ringing you, because you answer.
Set some boundaries.
Tell him, "bob" you know I love you, you are my brother, but calling me multiple times a day HAS to stop.
YOU then decide how often you can handle talking to him. But I would keep in mind that you might BE his lifeline without knowing.
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