A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,Can anyone tell me how to control irrational jealousy when I am out with my boyfriend?I have a group of single girlfriends and they often invite my partner and I out. As we have only been together 7 months we don't really have friends that are also couples, so it's nice to hang out with others rather than just us two all the time. The problem is that my boyfriend once said (in the very beginning of our relationship) that my friend Mel was "pretty" and when I said "yeah she is and a nice person too" he replied "yeah, she's VERY pretty". It didn't bother me at the time cos I wasn't in love with him at that point, but now it eats me up.I often wonder if he is fantasising about her or if he thinks she looks better than me, even though he tells me I'm gorgeous. We got invited out with them and I spent the days before fretting about it. I spoke to him about my fears and he reassured me that "she isn't a patch on you babe" but while we were out I kept watching him to see if he was looking at her, consequently not enjoying the night. I realise this is pathetic.I also worry if he is going to crush on someone at work and if he mentions a female's name, i am on red alert thinking is he crushing on her, even though he reassures me its only me he fancies. He does have a good track record, two long term relationships that he was fully committed to and never cheated. I realise that although he may never cheat on me, it drives me to distraction the thoughts that he may fantasise about someone else. To top it all I'm 32 and realise that my looks have a shelf-life and I'm paranoidly miserable about what will be my future with him when I can no longer 'hold my own' against younger prettier firmer girls.HELP. How do I stop this and just enjoy the fact that I have a great guy who loves me???
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female
reader, Bensgirl  +, writes (26 August 2010):
 Thats exactly how I am, jealousy is a burning, ripping, tearing emotion. The mention of another girls name or the pure sight of him around another girl sends my head whirling. If my boyfriend told me my best friend was "Very, Very pretty", it would tear me up and beat me down inside everytime I thought about my best friend. If you stay with you boyfriend, just focusing on how much you love him, breathe, calm yourself, and realize how much you need and love your boyfriend then you'll calm down a bit. Even though it seems impossible it sometimes can work. Just never let jealousy ruina relationship because it really is a toxic, bitter emotion that can creathe animosity towards your boyfriend, and the woman you're jealous of. Which is a lose, lose, lose situation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): Hi, I am going through exactly the same thing, work myself up into states...he even says it about waitresses when we eat out...it is the repitition and the emphasis that sparks our gut, like the "very". To one of my friends who he met for the first time at a dinner, sat next to each other, she was gushing all over him then he exclaimed" I love this woman" to the whole table and to make it worse, her partner has not said that to her yet, she had been waiting for months. In the end, I asked to switch seats because it was becoming humiliating, he a sucker for compliments and oblivious to her increasing need to touch him while we were eating. I was very well behaved, but it made me feel sick, insecure and I never want them to meet again. God, I hear you!!! The other day we went to get takeaway coffee, where we had eaten previously and he did the overpraise the waitress thing. The girl was back on that morning. He ordered the coffees and instead of waiting outside with me on the seat and having a cigarette as usual...he sat down inside and left me out there alone for ages...we were like 10 metres from each other!. Well, I spat, I went in and told him he was very rude to leave me out there, then I quickly went to the toilet when I saw his face! he still swears he was innocent, and our relationship has not yet recovered from my outburst, but deep down, I still think I busted him wanting to have a moment inside with his waitress fantasy.I think I am irrational, but once that worm is in there, it is very hard to remove. I am thinking of having hypnosis to see if there is more to it in regards to my reactivity, before I ruin this relationship. I also refuse to do back-what he does to me, because that spells damage and disaster. I cannot make someone behave how I want them to, but a womans security and sense of respect comes down to female pride. We want the illusion that we are the best most beautiful thing that ever came into your life. This illusion should be easy to keep in our prescence, when not, well its not going to hurt us is it to ogle and gush at other female beauty. Guys, if any of you are reading this NEVER tell your woman you fancy someone else, or rave on about how hot her friends are. It may be the truth for you but it is inappropriate. By putting your attention totally on your woman, you have NO IDEA the beauty and love that will come forth and will keep coming.A mans attention on his female mate makes her glow, come alive and is alive with love. It is jeopardised by being greeding,having no mind control or a weakness for distraction.It is unmanly to have scattered attention and worse to think it is ok, cause it will ruin a relationship. There is no right or wrong here, just simple cause and effect.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010): It is you he is going out with, he might think other someone else is pretty but that all it is.
You need to relax, going out with someone is more than just looks, yes it's there at the start, but it moves on to much deeper things than that. You have more to offer than just a pretty face.
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