A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupidI was involved in an affair for a year and a bit with a married man. We started spending a lot of time together and building memories together. And one day his wife put him out. I was still with my spouse. He told me that he wanted for us to be together and planned to move away from our family because we were cousins.And we planned to get married and be together since we made each other happy and had a lot in common. He said he had made up his mind to let 11 years of a miserable marriage go. He wanted to move on with me. Then 2 months later his wife wanted him back. He went back immediately. But he wanted to continue to see me, but all day long he told me how happy he was to be back home with his family,yet he loved me and did not want to let me go. He describe himself as being stuck in the middle. He even wanted to attempt talking his wife into allowing me to have an open relationship with him and I assume even moving in with them. After he told me that I felt that it would never be anything more than a fling between us. Eventhough I did better by him than his wife, my love could never become number one in his heart. He would always have her first whether they were together or not. For example,one day we were at his house eating lunch. The wife called him and he talked to her for almost 30 minutes laughing and clowning. I walked out of the room and later asked him if you are finish with her why did you spend most of your lunch break with her over the phone? He responded he did not know it was a problem and he said I was right and it didn't happen again. Since then I stopped texting and calling him. I looked forward to more out of the relationship, since he had went to the extent of picking a city to move to and speculating how to schedule visits from his children. However, I do miss the romance and affection he showed me. It is hard to draw close to my spouse again because he never shown affection towards me and the kids, neither does he has time for us. He is a great guy still. How do I stop loving someone who loves someone else?? I need help reaching my spouse and molding him into an affectionate loving mate. I really cannot understand why I want the man whom I was having a fling with to regret being back with his wife. They ride around town living life as if it is golden. Eventhough I stopped contact with him first because I no longer wanted to be his sidekick,I am the one suffering because I wanted to be with him instead. And he is happy to be where he is at. He is the type that is strong willed and won't call or think about us after all ties has been broken. I wonder does he ever like me miss what we had and the places we have been. Please can you offer some peace for me.
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affair, cousin, married man, move on, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMost of th advice that I received was helpful. My hb and I are mending our marriage. The married man has found a religion him and his family from what i hear is doing good spiritually. I have no contact with none of them. When their daughter tries to speak I ignore the whole situation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009): This proves again like all the other stories here, have an affair and sure as mother makes the best apple pie you will always come out the loser and end up feeling so much worse than you ever did when you thought life was crap before. Affairs are seedy and leave people with so much guilt it draws them down to fire below, no one ever comes away feeling good, you may try to take the good bits like the feeling of someone wanting you, but most men will lie through their teeth just to get you into bed or anywhere else to get a bit of satisfaction, they will tell you it's love, you are the best, my wife never does that but it's all lies to make you feel like YOU are the one, so you will keep going further and further into there sex fuelled desires.
I don't have much sympathy for people who have affairs because they lie and cheat to be with the other person then when it all goes wrong they come to places like this to get it off their chest and look for support and sympathy.
What about the innocent victims of affairs, they are the real victims you knew what you were doing, you carried on regardless and now you are just a number in the other mans life you feel used and hurt, you have one hell of a lot of making up to do not only with your husband but with your spirits and demons, the demons you created and brought into your marriage and life. I hope you have learned and never repeat such a gross and dispicable situation again for any one in your life, and I hope the wrath is not yet to come. Be Warned play with fire and you may get burned so badly you never recover..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): Your affair has proven yet again that affairs do not materialise the way we want to. Your married man only had one purpose for his association with you and that was sex. The quicker you make peace with this fact, the quicker you will work towards healing. This affair was not a “love affair” it was just something that happened between two consenting adults. Was it love, no. This man used you and then he abandoned you just like yesterdays garbage. It is horrible but true. You say that your lover wanted to end his 11 yr of a "miserable marriage". This could not have been further from the truth. You admitted that this man loves his wife. I don’t know what your affair provided to this man but one thing is plain to see. He made a choice. And he choose his wife over you. In fact he relishes in his love for her. He is where he wants to be – with her and at his home. This man has proven what a lack of respect he has for you by advising you that he wanted you included in his marriage. Marriage is only for 2 , not 3 people. He was looking for a little something on the side. And got tired or maybe realised just how much his wife meant to him. I actually admire his wife- she kicked him out, and you need to realise this, she did not take him back, he went back because he wanted to. No one forced him. He made this choice to your detriment.
Lets talk about the state of your marriage. You will not like what i have to share with you. There is no grey area here. Affairs no matter how people like to justify it brings pain, destruction, devastation, betrayal, hurt, turmoil – the list goes on. You sowed this sadly.
Now that your affair is over you want to somehow mould your hb into something that he is not. If i have learnt anything in life, it is we cannot “change” our partners. He needs to do this, if he wants to. What concerns me is that your hb has been your second best for so long. Is this fair to him. You were leaving him, you were planning to run away with your lover and leave your innocent man. Now when your lover doesn’t want you anymore you want to creep back to your hb , but on your terms. Is this fair to him. Is this even right? Your hb did not deserve the way you have been conducted yourself. Meaning: your investment in this other man, you wanting to leave. You have sowed so much of unhappiness yourself in this marriage, you sowed betrayal, lies and destruction. What makes you think you are any different from this married man of yours. He did to you what you have done to your husband. Is this right. Or don’t you know the difference between right and wrong. Your hb deserves someone who will love him, totally and not someone who wants to use him so that she is not alone. You only now want your hbs affection/love, you couldn’t give a sh1t when you were with your married man – you actually planned on leaving your hb to be with this man. You did not care about your man, only your married lover. Now you still stipulate terms to be with your hb. Get real. There are good women out there, decent, loyal, faithful – any one will give their right arm to be with your decent good man. Why not just release him. You actually do not want to be with him. You still want your married man. In the meanwhile, you continue to steal your hb’s resources and finances. In the meanwhile you give him false hope. Be bluntly honest with yourself. Most of the problems here are not with your hb, it is actually with you. You created the betrayal, lies, infidelity. You created this distance bet the two of you. I feel sorry for your hb. I wish your hb happiness and love – these 2 elements that you have not provided to him in over a year. He deserves it, don’t you think.
Your investment in your affair actually was the beginning of the end of your marriage. I firmly believe that you have decided that your hb is second best. With this attitude, then its time to end the marriage which in fact ended the day you started sleeping with this other man. Your h bi believe is young enough to start all over again. And so are you. You have survived the end of this affair. Both you and your hb will survive a divorce as well. I find that you are painfully selfish. Selfish to now see faults in your hb yet you are unwilling to make radical changes in your life and behaviour patterns. What do you actually have to offer your hb - a tormented soul who just cannot get over her lover? Why offer your hb crumbs when in fact he deserves to be no.1. you know that he is never going to be your no.1. you will use him just as you have used him in the past. I say again, just release him. You have nothing to offer this man, you kept and invested this all with your married lover. Your hb would be better off without you. Why? Your heart is not in this marriage. You are not in this marriage.
Our lives are just so precious. no-one has the right to consider us second best.......... and you certainly do not have the right to” use and abuse your husband “anymore. Plse release him to find love somewhere else. If there is one right thing you do, plse do this. Thus far , you have been very very selfish. If you want to show that you have grown up and changed for the better, plse do this one honourable thing. You then need to pick up the pieces and move on, the easy thing is you do not love your hb, so you may feel upset at being alone but you need to find yourself. Your affair is over, just like your marriage but your life isn’t.
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A
female
reader, damomma  +, writes (15 June 2009):
 Hello, you are having a hard time aren't you. So much going on with your emotions and because of the nature of the problems not an easy thing to talk about with those close to you.
I think I can hear you telling yourself the answers to these issues but maybe because of all the pain, you have disconnected from the best friend you have which is you.
Are you looking after you in all this or are you so busy worrying about all the things you had hoped for and been denied, that you have forgotten to be kind to yourself.
The lover was selfish, plain and simple! Clearly he is not having his need met within his marriage, if he were as fulfilled as he appears to be as they drive around looking so pleased with them selves, he would not have needed you.
What I hear from the way you describe your relationship is that he split those needs between you and his wife and therefore short changed you both, neither of you had his full commitment and neither had his fidelity either.
Is that what you want from a relationship, a half share?
It sounds to me as if you have much love to give and I think that you deserve have it to repaid in full not on a first come first served basis.
Your own marriage reflects to a certain degree the same picture as your lovers, you too are unfulfilled and have a need that is un-met. Have you asked yourself if your marriage is what you want? do you want to repair or develop it, are there things missing from it now, that used to be there or have you realised that some elements of it were always absent and now need those gaps to be filled? Does your husband know you feel that way, how would you feel about talking to him about that?
Perhaps he too is feeling that his needs aren't met, could you invite him to talk about your mutual needs and how many are met and how many are not? Do you think a conversation about these issues would help or would talking it through with someone neutral first help you clarify things?
I wish you success with working out the direction you want to take, I am happy to talk more if you would like to. Thank you for sharing this and being so open and honest.
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A
female
reader, missleprechaun84  +, writes (15 June 2009):
This is a man who wanted to eat his cake and have it too. You did the right thing to walk away from this, because it could only end up in heartbreak for you. You need to start seeing your cousin for what he really is. Remove the rose colored glasses and realize that this was a man who was unwilling to give his wife 100% even after she gave him a second chance. That isn't the kind of guy you want to be building a life with. How do you know he wouldn't do the same thing to you several years down the track? The thing you need to focus on now is your own family. The fact that your husband has never been affectionate towards you may indicate that this is something he may never be able to achieve. But the only way to find out is to speak to him about this. Tell him that you need affection, and you need him to be a committed father and husband, not just a housemate. And if he can't give you the affection you need, then you need to ask yourself if you can live the rest of your life with an unaffectionate man. You've managed to live this far without it, maybe you need to focus on the things that already exist that work between the two of you. But most importantly, you need to forget about the married man, and let him live the life that he chose. And remember that. He chose his wife. Now you live the life that you choose, with your husband and children.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): no doubt he would have done the same to you if you became his girlfriend and you would have bben the one who was cheated on
your hurting but you are looking at this guy all wrong
he cheated on his wife - so he is not a nice guy
he palyed you and you feel for it
he even had a conversation with his wife in front of you - rubbing your nose in it
he calimed he wnated to be with you - but ran back to his wife at the first chance
he didn't love you he used you - get that into your head everytime you have nice thoughts about him and hopefully you can turn around your thinking. yes you may then get angry but it will pass and then you can move on
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