A
female
age
41-50,
*Igelow
writes:My husband and been together for three years sex life is goodI thought but I keep catching him Watchen porn he says he wasn'tBut I know he was acting different the way he was making love to me I ask what was goin on he told he did masterbsting in the shower I caught him Watcing porn again. And notice he had a hard on. I be ask him to get rid of the porn on the computer he said no.What should I do I want delete the porn. But I know he got more how can get him to stop
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): My boyfriend changed and deleted his entire collection I still dumped him because i couldn't forgive him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): Yes I came across this too. I could tell when my boyfriend had been watching porn...his actions, his words...but what really resulted was more like ackward sex because what he was watching and what he was trying to emulate wasn't working out in real life so well between us. It made me uncomfortable and guarded.
If I feel safe and secure with my partner, I love trying "new" things and exploring between us. What I do not like is someone getting their ideas from watching a women get degraded, abused and treated like a rag doll. If that is hot and a turn on to a man, I'm disgusted and gone.
Great example. this particular guy was after anal in the worse way...things he would say were verbatim to typical anal porn (I checked it out) and his approach and force (not rape or against my will, just meaning how trying anal *really* needs to happen was not there) was classic porn. I cut that off immediately, right then and there. We had multiple discussions and he seriously needed to be informed that what he was seeing what not what it really was. Idiot. I asked him if he had experience with anal because it was not working at all, it was all going very wrong. He said he had a little...which turned out to be what he had watched, not what he had actual done with another willing partner before myself. This is a grown man mind you, in his early 40's.
I expressed and was very clear, if we were in an exclusive relationship, there was not going to be any porn included as part of his package or in our relationship. This is a deal breaker for me. If he cared more about porn and couldn't break away from it he needed to move on to someone who didn't have a problem with it because it was not going to be me. I was angry, I was hurt, felt very betrayed and cheated on. We simple had not had this discussion like we did about other things in life in the beginning.
Five years later...we are married. And porn is no longer an issue in our lives. He did care more about me and how I felt about it. He did realize that with trust and feeling secure, our sex life would flourish. And we do have an amazing sex life and, yes, we figured out anal sex and we both enjoy it safely and without fear.
Men will not change for just anyone, but they will change and understand how the woman they are with feels about it IF they really love and care for their partner.
If a man is not willing to give up porn or is lying about it in their life, knowing how their partner feels, they are either immature/selfish, a very skewed sense of real sex and intimacy, or have a problem and may have developed an addiction.
If both people have no problem with porn in their relatioship, then, there is not problem. But if there is a discomfort at any level from the other partner, it needs to be addressed and put an end to it, or the relationship will unravel.
DO NOT pay attention to the people who say, it's normal for men to watch porn and women should get over it. There is far more evidence to prove porn is a real problem in *relationships*. There are many men who have other things in their lives besides sitting in front of a computer alone jerking off...they have sex with their partners, they have date night, they have responsibilities, they have jobs/careers, they have homes, yards to tend, they have social activities, they have their recreational sports team nights, they have children, they have PTA, etc. Porn is just not on their radar.
I would suggest counseling if you both want to save this marriage. It's not going to go away and this is only going to get worse. If you cannot accept and live with this, something has to change. You should not have to live that way. What happens if you two decide to have children? Then what? Absolutely there should NEVER be porn in a household with children who will one day be old enough to find it..stop this now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): They are always w*nking off to other people, i spent 3 months trying to get my first boyfriend to stop, two weeks trying get my last boyfriend to stop. The other boyfriends lied and said they didn't watch it.
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female
reader, love4lust +, writes (7 November 2012):
 I would try talking to him. What type of movies is he watching? Is it tasteful. My boyfriend loves porn, as do I. I first felt uncomfortable with it, but I came to relaize it was movies that reminded of how we are intimately. Try making a video of your own for him. All men ever think about is sex, no matter what it is. But if you feel uncomfortable, Instead of lecturing just let him know how you feel. If you both in the long run are curious shoot find a couples movie made for couples. They are alot more tasteful than others. Hopefully this helps.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): You can't make someone do (or not) do something. And even if you could, why would you want to? Then they would have only stopped because they are being forced. They would still want to do it, probably even more so since it's "forbidden". The best thing to do is just leave him to his porn. Let him waste the rest of his life in front of a computer screen. It won't be your problem anymore. There are plenty of men out there who can watch porn without it affecting their sex lives, and there are even some who don't watch it at all. So why settle for someone who is obsessed with it?
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female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (7 November 2012):
 He's addicted. He's also hiding behind the whole "it's helping our sex life" game. Many men play this card. What it spells to me is they cannot continue to be aroused by the same woman year after year. So they go gawking at others. It's a form of cheating as far as I'm concerned. But some couples watch porn together so it stimulates both of them, and feels less like a violation of trust. But you have to have a very strong self esteem because you know underneath it all, your man is getting excited, not over you, but over the sight of some buxom blonde that looks absolutely nothing like you in any way, shape or form. On the other hand, if the porn is done right there could be some juicy men involved which might keep it pleasurable and subtly turn the tables on your man. If that is not an option you really have to discuss it with him. He needs to know that it feels like a deal breaker for you. And yes he will try to defend it as "innocent" and then you may need couples counseling to deal with his obsession, and I think he is addicted therefore it is somewhat of an obsession. Good luck.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): From a guy's point of view:
I agree with person12345 word for word.
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female
reader, dprvedgrl +, writes (7 November 2012):
 I think when a guy is looking at porn, then he is looking for something that turns him on. Keep him busy i guess. If so, then u are wasting your time trying to get him to stop cause u tried.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 November 2012):
 I am as anti-porn as they come, but even I know you can't MAKE anyone do anything. Even if they are lying and treating you like dirt and you are right and they are wrong, you can't MAKE him stop. The only sure thing you can do is change husbands.
There are some things you can try before throwing in the towel. You can go to couples counseling. You can read through the book the porn trap. You should talk about this in a situation where you haven't just "caught" him or feel very upset.
But if he is unwilling to even try, he's already decided that he cares more about his virtual world than his real one.
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female
reader, Helpry +, writes (7 November 2012):
I understand your reluctance about your husband watching porn on the computer but have you tried to be understanding as to why he is watching porn in the first place? Maybe it's because he feels that although your sex-life is good, he has become a little bored and wants to find some new ideas to make your sex-life more exciting and fulfilling for himself, and also you. You would obviously benefit from this as you would have even more enjoyment from your sex-life than you do already.Try to look at this from his point of view. You haven't said what type of porn this is that he is viewing, providing it wasn't hard core or the type of porn that would be repulsive, illegal or extreme, I would try to ignore it.Also, you could try asking him why he has a need to watch porn, as you have not said in your letter that you have tried this approach, just that you have told him to stop as you don't want him to view this porn. Tell your husband how unhappy you are about him watching the porn and, maybe, he will stop viewing it. Maybe he just doesn't realise just how unhappy you are about this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): Everybody pretty much is going to tell u its ok. Its fantasy blah blah blah. Here is he problem. The majority of women don't like the fact that husbands or boyfriends are watching other women's pu**y and getting off on it! Bottom line. I've been reading on this site for 3 1/2 yrs and I have yet to come on here and don't see at least one problem on here every day about a problem with porn! It is a major problem. If your single fine who cares but if your married or in a serious relationship it is! Talk to your husband and maybe you can resolve this issue. Best of luck to u
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