A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How do I not be so maternal or bossy?So, in my last relationship my ex was a bit younger, had less education, and seemed to need help doing certain things. As his girlfriend, I always tried to help him when he needed it. I didn't think it was wrong to offer help, but, I realize now that it came across as bossy. There were many times when I admit that I did too much for my ex, and it may have made him feel like less of a man, though that wasn't my intention at all. I just wanted to help him and make things less stressful for him, as he seemed to be under so much stress and is still dealing with some stress right now.I met a guy recently who I really liked and who I thought liked me. Like my ex, he is in a difficult part of his life, and he is not where he used to be both economically, etc. I don't judge him for where he is at because life is hard and I am sure he will get back on his feet soon. He currently doesn't have his own place, etc. I always tried to make him comfortable when he visited my place. I thought I was doing the right thing. I think it made him feel worse.I thought I was being helpful to him by offering to help him and trying to do things for him that seemed lacking where he was currently. I guess it came across wrong, because after telling me recently that he was falling for me, he then tells me to stop worrying about other people so much, and that he doesn't want a mom.I have issues with self-worth, and I do realize that I try to do a lot for my partners because, well, I think that is what I am supposed to do. I realize that I may be trying to be a superwoman because I am far from a trophy wife and rarely have had a man treat me as such, or even treat me like I was valuable. I do feel that I am a good person and would make a great wife and mother to kids, but, I just don't seem to attract many people.How do I be caring and kind (which is what both my ex and my recent partner said they liked about me), but avoid having a guy tell me "yes, mom". I don't know what I am doing that comes across as motherly, as, to be honest, I was never raised by my mom and don't have that figure as a reference point.
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female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (21 November 2010):
 In my experience, lots of people really hate it when you offer to do everything for them. It's a pride thing. They like to do a lot of things themselves, so sometimes even if you know you can help them, you just have to bite your tongue and not say anything.
Try holding back every other offer to start. If he asks you for help, say yes if it won't be much trouble. Also, try encouraging him to do things instead of giving him things. If he doesn't have his own place, tell him about where you can find cheap apartments. If he has a crappy job, tell him good things you've heard about the job market. In that way you will be encouraging him to take matters into his own hands instead of waiting on a handout.
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