A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My dad has always been extremely critical of me, and my mother was always very withdrawn; I don't ever remember her even saying "I love you" to me. I have never felt close parental support or guidance. Instead I feel as though I have had to raise myself alone. Starting 7 years ago, I began to have father figure issues. In Junior High, I experienced what I have come to know is called "transference" with one of my teachers. I did everything I could to make him proud of me. He listened to me like there was no one else in the world. My feelings became so intense that I developed a kind of obsession with him and confused my feelings as romantic. I grieved over him like someone had died for over a year when I went to high school. This teacher made a HUGE difference in my life with the little actions that he took. I became determined to overcome my debilitating shyness, because I felt as though someone saw my worth. I told him how much of an impact he had had on me years later, and he wanted me to stay in touch. We email occasionally, though I am now a Sophomore in college. I no longer see him in a romantic way at all and am not obsessed. I love hearing from him, but acknowledge that this can only go so far; what I mean by this is that he will never be my father. I am wondering if I should visit him. Each time I converse with him, I feel a little better about myself. I also feel like I learn what a real father should be like. Yet I also worry that I am hanging on to the idea of a father figure, something that can never be attained. Would it be beneficial to continue to talk to him and visit him occasionally? This is only half of the story. In high school, history repeated itself and a second teacher became something of a father figure to me, though I never liked him in a romantic way. I saw him as a role model and longingly thought about what a great father he must be to his child. I talked to him about my shyness, hoping that I would feel that close bond after opening up. But instead I only felt embarrassed and ashamed, to the point where I could barely look at him in class and came close to panic-attack nervousness heading there every day. It slowly got better, and I realized that he had never thought badly about me. I can't explain it, but I feel like I missed something growing up. I feel like he and my other teacher just know things about life that I have never learned, like the secrets of happiness and a fulfilling life. How do I stop feeling sad about never having had that adult in my life that cares deeply about me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2011): Watch the movie on Golden Pond. It may help give you a view of daughter/father relationship. In the meanwhile, it seems like you've been doing your homework in searching for your answers both clinically and spiritually which is all good. Trying to find acknowledgement, acceptance and love from other sources is what we all want, but not what we need.Which reminds me of the Rolling Stones song You can't always get what you want, but you get what you need."Look at your needs on a daily basis, don't try to group all though woes into one day. Don't attack life, but great it with a "Oh, this is going to be interesting, I wonder what's out there today"Living life often means just that, let it go with a confident flow. I used to teach autistic children and if anything I learned that they look at their world with such a deep wonder and flare for simple happiness I developed that into my own being. Invite wonderment, invite difference, invite surprise, it's such a lovely day when you do that.Also make a point to splurge on that energy, make it a point that you must make at least 3 people everyday smile.Healing is often about giving and mostly about surrendering.Take care now go and dream.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 November 2011):
 Have you tried opening up to your own parents and telling them how you feel? Am sure they would be shocked to realise that you feel like this. They probably don't realise this is how you feel, and am sure they do love you even if they do not show it.
As for these teachers, yes it is obvious you where crying out for them to notice you and to show you some attention and for them to praise you when you do well. That much is clear. But I don't see how going to visit your old teacher now would be off any benefit. They are teachers and they are there to do there job and to connect with there students. I don't think you going to visit would be the best of ideas because you are looking for a father figure but his intentions may not be the same. You are searching for something that you may never get. If you are looking for approval from your father well then that is where you need to start with your father. It is time to open up to him, no matter how scary it is and tell him how you have been feeling, give him a chance to prove himself to you.
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