A
female
age
41-50,
*hiteflower
writes:I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. In the beginning, he said he was friends with his ex-girlfriend. They were together for six years. I started dating him knowing this and being okay with it. I'm friends with one of my exes too. But so much has happened since then, and the bottom line is that I'm no longer okay with it. I'm 25, he's 26, and she's 27.About two months into our relationship, his ex-girlfriend came back to him. She was going through a rough time in several aspects of her life, and I guess she was used to having her be his shoulder to cry on. I could empathize with her, knowing he was her first boyfriend and how hard it must be trying to get over him (even though she initiated the breakup). I respected him for not turning his back on her and encouraged him to be there for her. However, she would call and then get mad if he said he had to call her back later since he was with me. This drama lasted for about a month. She told him she wanted him back, and when it didn't work, she stopped answering his phone calls. The good thing about this situation is that he made me the priority. The bad thing is I wasn't okay with their being friends anymore after learning she still had feelings for him. I wasn't allowed to meet her because he figured she couldn't handle it which only made the situation more uncomfortable for me.So that was it for awhile. Then about six months into our relationship, we had our first fight. This was the point where we were really learning how to make our relationship work. One thing I should point out is that he was planning to move away for school, which put an invisible strain on our relationship. We never talked about his move, and that bothered him. He started to have doubts about our compatibility. He's always dated and been around outgoing, extroverted people. Because I'm quiet like he is, he didn't know what to make of me. We managed to resolve the situation. The good thing is that this whole ordeal improved our communication as a couple. I was happy that he challenged me to be more assertive, and he was happy when I could logically knock down his doubts. However, this whole time of him trying to figure the relationship out is when he also started comparing me to his ex-girlfriend. I know he was just thinking out loud and not being careful with what he said, but it hurt my feelings a lot. She used to nag him constantly about what she wished she could change in him, whereas I made him feel wonderful for who he was. Shouldn't that have been the only thing he needed to compare? If there's one thing I'm oversensitive to, it's being compared to people. I get so much of it from my family, my previous relationships, and from myself. When I tried to explain how vulnerable I felt, he only compared me even more to her to justify why he did it.At this point, he was feeling positive about our relationship, but it was my turn to have doubts. There were days when I didn't want to see him just because I didn't want to hear about his ex-girlfriend anymore, not even an innocent mention of her. It took me a few weeks before I started feeling better. I rushed home from work to see him, and the first thing he said was that he spent the day hanging out with her. This caused another fight, which made me feel bad. I think his ex-girlfriend is the worst thing we could fight about. This was the first time I told him I hit my limit and didn't want to hear about her at all anymore. Every time he talks about her, I think about them being together. So a whole month went by when he didn't talk about her. I was so happy because I felt we could both concentrate on our relationship. But the same thing happened later. I came home one day, heard he had spent the day hanging out with her again, and I flipped out. From his perspective, he just wants to be upfront and honest. From my perspective, I can't handle hearing about her anymore.He stopped comparing me to her a long time ago. He says I'm perfect for him. And from all of the things he does, he really is devoted to me. I have never been concerned that he's going to cheat on me or go back to her. But I'm still not comfortable. When he started comparing me to her, I started comparing myself to her too. He stopped comparing a long time ago, but I haven't been able to. I don't want to meet her anymore because I know I'll just feel like I'm competing with her the whole time. I hate feeling insecure like this because I fear it will debilitate an otherwise solid relationship. Is it reasonable for me to not want to hear about her anymore? Or is it just a way to sweep her under the rug since I can't make her disappear?I'm at a total loss at how to fix things. Ultimatums are not my style, so please don't suggest that. I just need some encouragement. I feel like if we can get over this hurdle, we will have such a wonderful relationship. I'm still in this relationship because I do think he's worth all the trouble. I just want to stop hurting. :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008): The first mistake you made in this relationship was to empathise with his break up and with the ex-girlfriend who needed a shoulder to cry on, and allow that to happen on YOUR watch. Big mistake. Did you think you were being nice? Understanding? You sure were...but it was all at the cost of compromising your own self value in this relationship.
Every single guy that you will meet has a past. All men have baggage, have an ex-girlfriend, have been heartbroken, whatever, they all have been through that. So what? You don't need to be licking anyone's wounds. That's not your problem and any guy who wants to be with you needs to leave their baggage in the past. So by you accepting him to leave communication open with his ex from the start, (cause gee, poor her), he knew right then and there that you are "too nice" and that he can kind of walk all over you.
Sorry but you should know that you are a fabulous woman and when his ex first started contacting him for "support" you should have immediately put enough value on YOUR time and YOURSELF and made it clear that, you weren't going to put up with that. Not on your watch.
I know that if I meet a guy who is really "understanding" and lets me talk to the ex for support, I would kind of lose respect for him and wonder how much he will let me get away with. I don't want to be with someone I can walk all over. On the contrary, I want a guy who would value himself enough to question that and certainly not put up with it or accept it. It's not his problem if my ex is heartbroken just like it shouldn't have been your problem.
And so now you dont want them to talk at all, but he already doesn't respect how you feel because you didn't establish the respect that you deserved from day ONE. An occasional, email of "hi," "happy birthday," "merry christmas," that's fine. But what they had? No. It was very disrespectful for him to have that kind of communication with the ex when you first started dating. And it wouldn't have happened if you'd put your foot down. But because you didn't, you gave away respect he should have had for you, and now gives to her.
That's how it goes. You should never be too nice. You need to value yourself and never allow this to happen again. But what's done is done and hopefully you've learned what not to do or allow in a relationship. I don't know if things will change between you two but for the most part, you gotta be ALOT tougher from now on. In fact, next time he even mentions the ex, if I were you, I would grab my things and walk out of his life. You need to teach him a lesson. Be STRONG. You could chew his ear off explaining to him that he is hurting you. But he is not listening. Furthermore, you should never have to explain to a guy how to treat you with respect. Your actions are the only thing you have left to make him understand and perhaps even change. You need to show him that you are serious by ending things with him. If he loves you, he'll come crawling back AND he will know that he no longer can get away with what he is doing. You need to be a b*tch, cause right now that is the only way you have any chance of getting what you want. Good luck.
A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (29 June 2008):
 He obviously still feels responsible for this girl in some way. As you say they were togther 6 years but I dont feel she should expect to still be such a major part in his life, thats not healthy.
If you dont want to give ultimatums then you do have to decide whether you can live like this indefinately or want to move on.
If he is truly worth it you can only hang on in there. He has stopped comparing you to her so has taken some of this on board. Have you ever asked him to stop hanging out with her? I just wonder what his reaction was or would be if you did.
She needs to meet new people and hopefully she will find a new man and stop needing your bf so much. But if he constantly hangs out with her it not only gives her false messages but may actually be preventing her from finding someone else.
Dont compare yourself to her, he started dating you in the first place and he has been with you all this time. If he wanted her back then you would have been history the instant she contacted him. Why would he keep going out with you he would just finish it and he hasnt.
I personally think he needs realise that if she has feelings for him then he needs to gently let her down and tell her thats its not healthy for her to keep seeing him as it is preventing her from moving on. I also think you should have met her straight away, if you had presented a united front then maybe she would have backed off by now if he always brought you along. Whilst he continues to hang out alone with her he is only prolonging the situation and giving in to her.
I hope you can work this out x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008): I think you should try to tell him how you feel now. From the looks of it, your relationship looks stronger now and I assume that you talking to him about what you feel will not be such a problem. Try to make the suggestion subtle, so he won't overreact.
The other thing you have to do is just accept what he does. Another man wouldn't have told you he hanged out with his ex, but he chose to tell you. If you're really sure he will be faithful to you, don't worry about this situation, even though it hurts.
Like I said before, talk to him, in a subtle way, about how you feel.
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A
female
reader, Raechel +, writes (29 June 2008):
 Gosh, too bad you can't just swat her away like a friggin fly, hm??
I was in your SAME situation.
I found myself wishing she'd just DISAPPEAR.
I found myself just HATING to hear the SOUND of her NAME.
I can tell you one good thing though-
Actions speak louder than words, and if he acts on the way he says he feels about you, [which he sounds like he does] then you shouldn't let little Miss. B*tch get to you anymore~
However, I do NOT find it ok that he compares you to her and still "hangs out" with her. If you two are as committed as it sounds then he needs to stop allowing his ex to intrude. He knows that his ex is only causing problems, and if he cares for you enough then he should stop letting her run to him as if they're still dating. If he doesn't like her anymore then that shouldn't be so hard, right? The fact that little Miss. B*tch was GeTtInG MaD at him when he wasn't calling her back just SHOWS that she doesn't think of you and him as anything serious. She is obviously self-centered.
All of that is not fair to you..the constant worrying and drama, and deep down he knows that-whether or not he wants to admit it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008): Hey hunny don't worry about it.Do what makes you happy and trust your instincts if nothing is going on between them then fine.Look at All of your qualities and stop feeling bad.Good luck sweety
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