A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is gonna sound strange, but it is true: I doubt myself 24/7!I can't make decisions. About work, about life, and most importantly about relationships. I feel certain things, but then I turn around and doubt myself, thinking my feelings are unfounded or I am judging a situation all wrong, etc. For example, I got out of a relationship some time ago, but I began to doubt myself as to whether I did the right thing. In the end, I just left because I became afraid of the other person.I have feelings but I don't trust them because they could be wrong.How do I stop doubting myself so I can move ahead in life??? Reply to this Question
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reader, Greasy +, writes (15 June 2011):
I'm going to get philosophical on you, so this may get long (get a beverage now).
There are three terms you used that tell me your underlying assumptions about life and the Universe are what's making you miserable. The three terms are:
- wrong
- right
- ahead
All of us go about our daily lives with an idea of what a 'normal' life should be. For instance, it's normal for someone to finish high school at 18, travel for a bit, finish college at around 22 or so, then get started on a career. Late 20s, early 30s maybe you've gotten married, maybe not, but your working hard. Mid-to-late 30s and maybe there's a kid, a mortgage; at your work you're really starting to know your stuff. 40s and 50s you're staying in shape, enjoying the money you're saving. You retire at 65 then die north of 80.
The above is a template that, like it or not, all of us pack around with us. I'm 37 - and with no kids or marriage or car and a graduate degree nowhere near done, that 'pack' of what 'normal' is/ought to be is getting a bit heavy. Perhaps you can relate. Perhaps your path through life 'till now hasn't been the most well-trodden one either, but one that you ended up carving out yourself for better or worse as you've plodded along.
Here's where I'm going to question your assumptions.
You talked about decisions as being either right or wrong. The assumption here is that there *IS* a right and a wrong to begin with. That assumption - that there's a right and a wrong - is based on another assumption: that life is either making progress ('ahead') or not, and there's something like an imaginary line between the time you're born and some abstract future Self that you ought to turn into. Perhaps your 'ahead' is pointed to the 'normal' life that I described earlier. It's natural to think of life as a line since we humans are capable of conceptualizing time as a line between past and future. While natural, it's not necessarily the case we have to generalize that idea of a line to any notion of getting ahead. While linear time is the natural product of our ability to think, 'progress' is entirely self-imposed.
Now here's an alternative approach to thinking about things, where we make different assumptions. Let's say there is no absolutely right or wrong - instead, let's say there are only actions and reactions (or causes & effects/consequences). Effects can be pleasant and the same time as they can be harmful (e.g. smoking), unpleasant and beneficial (e.g. exercise), or any combination of adjectives you care to think of and to any degree. Now, in the absence of right or wrong to evaluate any decision with, we're left with the problem of figuring out for ourselves what set of consequences we find the most desirable.
You might be saying to yourself, "Well crap - that just gives me more to doubt over." In fact, it only seems that way because we've replaced "right/wrong" as criteria with "most desirable". The reason why this seems to make things more complicated is that we're still conflicted with whatever 'normal' we're evaluating right/wrong/desirable against. For instance, if we've got 'own a jaguar and have a hot wife by 34' as our ideal for where we 'ought to be' in life, then right/wrong and happy could be at odds.
All this goes away, though, once you sort out what exactly it is for you to be happy. Is it a Jag by 34, or is it something else? This is actually a far deeper question than it appears - it strikes to the core of how we see ourselves in the world: as failures, successes, who we think we ought to be versus who we are, what we were brought up to value. The trick, I think, is to do some honest self reflection about what you want and what happiness means for you. Once you do that, then the whole idea of getting ahead/making progress will either be a whole lot clearer, or (conversely) entirely moot.
Here's what I'm getting at. If we decide to drop the assumption of there being a right and a wrong, and instead adopt the assumption that there are only decisions and consequences, then we free ourselves from the need to be categorically this or that, or anything else. That goes for the category of 'normal' in terms of the path you've ended up taking through life. In other words, there's no such thing as a right, wrong, or 'normal' path; all paths are equally valid since they all end the same way (we all die in the end). Where I think your self-doubt ultimately stems from is discomfort with the path you're on relative to the one you think you should be on; once you sort that out (i.e. figure out what will bring you happiness), you'll have your true North Star for sorting out decisions in your life. Who knows, you could even come to the conclusion that your life as you're living it now is pretty much fine, and 'ahead' simply becomes keeping on keeping on, as it were. Or maybe your true happiness is to become a guerrilla dentist to penguins in Antarctica. The point is that once you sort out what that is, you'll be in a position to take action (or, in nerd-speak, to "bring about a set of consequences").
So after all that, here's my advice: Go camping for a week in the middle of nowhere and sit beneath your proverbial banyan tree, then see if you can't figure out what you want from the universe at your most basic, fundamental level. I find bringing a fermented fruit or grain beverage helps with this. A caveat from my own experience, though, is that 'normal' is a hard monkey to shake off, and in my darker moments I invariably compare myself to people my age who've chosen the 'normal' path. While that's an emotional nag, my rational self says that, probably, those very 'normal' people are plagued by the same doubts but just in the opposite direction. That is, don't expect a bottle and a week in the woods to clear up everything, but do consider it a chance to gain some perspective.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, De la Fuente  +, writes (15 June 2011):
If u got scared of the person, withdrew, doubt your feelings, don't trust your feelings, which in result u don't trust Yourself ?!?' well if u want to so bad move ahead in life why would you bother to waste time & rnergy trying to figure it out , obviously you don't seem to care enough about her or " in love " with her to jus leave ! I think you should ask yourself WHY u don't trust yourself , nobody's perfect but obviously you got this far for a reason ! Hope & wish for the best ! If ur gut tells you and alerts your brain to rethink , regroup you choice before it's too late
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): You should read the book "The 4 Agreements" these are the things that people does every time that's why they cannot move on.
The 4 agreements are: Don't assume, dont take things personally, be responsible for your words, and always do your best.
People always assume things that's why they always cloud their minds with thoughts that something is going to happen.
And 2nd, don't blame yourself for anything! Everything happens for a reason. It's neither your fault nor hers. But just appreciate it and all you can do is move on.
But moving on is not an easy step. It takes time day by day. but how i see it is motivation... I always promise myself to become stronger and better in life: it did bring me a long way. I start going to the gym, I learn to cook, My work is becoming more enjoyable than ever before!
You don't have to follow the same routine i did, but you get the concept! make some changes to enrich your life!
I hope this advice helps! and good luck! =)
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