A
female
age
36-40,
*hordee2605
writes:I have a problem with destroying my own relationships. Between the insecurity, short fuse, and accusations I push guys away left and right. It took me awhile to realize that it is a trend and its my fault. While some things I have every right to get upset, theres things that come down to my insecurities. I have a 4.0 in college, love my job, and am happy with my life and have healthy relationships with all my friends and family, but guys I do the same thing over and over. I dont know what to do to fix what I constantly do to myself now that I see it. Ive been with this guy for almost 6 months and its a repetition of all my other relationships, he obviously cares about me because he puts up with my issues and continues to try and be here.. but lately hes been giving up and talking about how as much as he wants us to work out, it seems that hes not. If its not meant to be, ok. But i know its me, and hes giving me the chance to fix it and i dont know what to do at this point, im losing him quickly and he definitely is worth my time.. what do I do? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, LessonsLearned +, writes (9 January 2010):
I applaud you for getting counseling and working on your issues. I'm sorry for what you went through and the betrayl you must certainly feel towards your mother. I just feel you have so much anger over the situation. I think there are 2 realistic ways to deal with your situation.
1. You can come to the realization that it isn't your stepfather that's the cause of your current problems. He is merely the originator of the problem. The thing that keeps the anger alive in you is the resentment you carry toward him and your mother. Your anger is justified. But nevertheless it will always hurt you more than anyone else. Resentment turns an injury into a never healing wound. The way to true freedom from your past is forgiveness. Forgiveness releases you from resentment and you can begin the healing process. At the end, not only will you find true freedom from your past, you will understand you are stronger for having gone through it.
2. You can find a husband who needs to recreate the trauma of a domineering mother. You can assume the role of abuser and satiate your need to release your anger periodically on someone.
Change is possible, when you do it for someone it's called love. It's difficult and that's why it's so rare.
A
female
reader, Shordee2605 +, writes (6 January 2010):
Shordee2605 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know what Im doing wrong, he does talk to me about it but I try really hard to control myself and then fall flat on my face.. we seem to make progress. we use to fight every3 days.. now its once a week, mainly because of me... its not healthy. People say that if you have to change for someone, then they dont really love you... is that true when you know yourself you need to change?... as far as childhood goes and the male relationships... I used to have a stepfather who who beat me, and when children services got involved my mom denied it and said i beat myself up and said he did it when she had marks all over her from him too... I have a relationship with my mom now, and that step father is out of the picture.. i went thru counseling for it.. I have had a fiance of 3 years who cheated periodically and a few boyfriends who cheated constantly... i feel as if im over it.. but its like I get perinoid and always think theres something going on.... I want to fix things with my current guy, but i feel its a little too late even though, yet again, im getting another chance. I talk to him about my problems... but hes so pushed away by how a freak out about things and assume the worst in everything... i wanna ring him back to the girl he met and quit doing the same thing to every guy, especially when i do think he is sincere, wants the best for me, and loyal....
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A
male
reader, LessonsLearned +, writes (6 January 2010):
Not to be simplistic but when females have problem with males in their personal lives it can be due to the realtionship with the father or other male figures in your life. Your problems seem rooted in insecurity (abandonment) and anger (resentment). Were you abondoned or "let down" by signifigant males in your childhood?
If you were then that sets up a pattern of seeking out unavailable men. Your smart and have avoided this, but you've chosen to find good men and MAKE them unavailable and abandoning with your conduct.
Finding the root cause of your anger and insecurity and talking it out with a counselor can be a great help. The rest is just behavior modification.
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A
female
reader, courtney42595 +, writes (6 January 2010):
I would try to find out what your doing wrong, and to get closer ask him what he thinks your doing wrong. When you figure that out try to fix the problem so you'll come up with a better solution. Don't be afraid to ask him what he thinks your doing wrong seeing as you could fix what HE thinks is wrong and you could end up happyily ever after, hope this helps ^^
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