A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend brought up moving in together and I don't think I handled it well. I was driving through a hectic carpark at the time so I was half concentrating on not hitting anything and half listening to what he was saying. He started out saying it would make sense for us financially - we're both students - to share a place together in the city, near uni. He even had the costs on hand, which if I'd been concentrating I would have realised meant he'd thought this through and wasn't just throwing an idea out there. Then he went on to say it wouldn't be long before I'd get sick of him 24/7 and kick him out... I laughed and agreed (oops) then made some joke about me changing the locks on him to get my own space... did I mention I was mainly concentrating on the carpark and not taking the conversation seriously?! I'm not sure how I can recover from it now. I can't really backtrack and tell him what I said isn't how I feel, because in a blunt way, it is; I probably would feel claustrophobic living in a small space with him. It's a big enough step for me to be spending as much time with him as I do. There are times when I desperately need to be on my own. I think I could one day share a house with him, but not the room of an apartment. What can I say to him?I also think I have a defense mechanism that is kicking in as he is seeming more serious. It makes me want to run, instinctively. I don't want to run, I really care about this guy but I can feel it starting and I need a way to stop it. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (16 August 2010):
 By choosing a time to talk about this issue with you while your focus was off of yourself but onto your driving is pretty smart on his part, those kinds of messages get deeper into your brain and emotions if you are sort of in a trance state already while driving and focusing your mind on that. That isn't going to make a lot of sense to you, but be careful of when he talks to you about relationship issues, make sure you aren't too fatigued, or out of focus on the present, it can be a way to get you to lower your guard and agree to something that just happens to you instead of you actually wanting it for yourself.
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (16 August 2010):
Listen, I am never going to tell you to stop listening to your fear signals. Your body is telling you something that your mind refuses to hear, there is some danger here with this man and he's moving things along a little too fast and wanting to spend time with you 24/7.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but sometimes, often times this is not because he is so into you, but that he is covering up his pathology, he may be wanting to use you, take advantage of you, cling to you and eventually devalue you just as quickly as he swooped in and took over your life.
How long have the two of you been dating? You should listen to your intsincts about this and simply tell him the truth, you don't want to move in with him and have no idea when you might want to do that.
You are a young woman, why would you "settle" for a living together arrangement with a man who is simply your "boyfriend". A man who thinks you are the ONE he wants to spend the rest of his life with will do the proper thing, the COMMITTED thing and ask you to marry him with a ring and a wedding date picked out!!
You do not need to "get over" your fear, it is very useful information that you are disregarding because you don't want to be afraid of him, you want to discount the behavior that is bothering you in him and trying to make it normal so you can feel more comfortable. Don't do that. Your instincts are smarter than you are, listen listen listen to them and make your decisions from what they are telling you and making you FEEL. Sometimes it is good to FEEL our way through life instead of analyze it and think about how to change the truth into a lie.
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