A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been broken up with my ex of 7 and a half years for four months. I had been thinking about it for a few months before - we barely had sex anymore and he was a bit controlling I now realise. I started seeing someone about one month after we broke up. I had known this guy for about 6 months anyway and fancied him. My new man brought up that he thinks we see too much of each other - which i agree with, it was quite fast and intense. However, we get along really well - both mentally and physically. The problem is that I'm being needy. Hate to admit it but it's true. We have agreed to see each other less often but how do I stop this craziness? I'm so used to being controlled(I realise now!!) that I don't know how else to be... And I'm so angry with my ex for making me this way! Yet consumed with guilt for breaking his heart by breaking up with him. Iknow all about rebound but I don't feel like it is this way with the new guy. :-( help! Thanks ...
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female
reader, R1 +, writes (1 January 2013):
 Fill your time with other things that make you feel good, seeing friends, exercise etc. Gradually your self esteem will improve and therefore your relationship.
A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe +, writes (1 January 2013):
 Your probably not going to like this but hey-ho. Although your ex no doubt played a big role in getting you used to being controlled etc but you probably had a predisposition to that in any case, most likely because you have low self-esteem. The second thing is although you may feel this is not a rebound with the new guy - you were with your ex for 7 and a half years and you started seeing somebody within a month. Maybe this guy isnt a rebound and you could go forward and have a great new relationship BUT you clearly havent processed all your feelings resulting from the break-up with your ex.
Look at it this way. Your ex was controlling. Presumably, if you transgressed that control he made you feel bad or there was at least some kind of theoretical punishment - now you have broken free from that control. Its natural because of your previous conditioning that you feel guilt that you feel this was a bad thing because that is the way you have been conditioned to feel by your exs control. If he was as controlling as you imply then you have taken a positive choice for you by breaking free.
How do you stop this craziness? Well you have to work through your feelings caused by your break-up with your ex. You have to work on yourself and the self-esteem issues I suspect you have and in the meantime try not to self-destruct your current relationship.
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