A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was with my ex for 3 and half yrs on and off , we broke up last time In November last year although it was just like any other time I imagined where we would reconcile after a few weeks or months . This time though I found out just after Xmas he had started a new relationship with someone else . I was absolutely devasted , he had been sneaking around letting her into our kids life's without telling me , I had to find out from a friend who saw them . Of course it all blew up after that I stopped him from having the kids whilst she was about but he refused to be reasonable and have the kids by himself for a while . In the end we sorted out contact and I have bit my tongue , it's now obviously nearly 3 months and I've tried everything to stop wanting him and loving him but nothing can do that . We have had a lot to deal with over the time we were together we had 2 children neither were wanted by him so I was supposedly trapping him , but we always got back together because we loved each other so much . He said I didn't show him love and never really made him feel wanted and so this time he just had to b hard faced and cut it off for good . I would do anything for him I dread everyday especially as I have to see him 5 times a week when he picks the kids up and drops them off . So really what I need to know is how do I stop still basing my life around him and his visits and get over him I have tried everything . But I paint on a smile and get butterflies knowing he's coming for the kids for the whole of those days that's the part I look forward to even if it's just a couple of minutes and then I am left feeling low after he's gone again and again . I just can't seem to stop this vicious circle . Thanks in advance
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (16 March 2014):
 I feel for you, it must have been a shock that he moved on this time. When you split up several times it's usually a sign something is not right and I guess the children arriving made it harder for him to leave.
You need to start building a new life, him seeing the kids 5 times a week is also you seeing him 5 times a week,thats a lot, so it won't be easy.
Make plans for when you don't have the children, so you are looking forward to the free time because it means you can meet friends or go swimming,get your hair done or whatever.
It can take up to 2 years to get over someone, but you will survive and eventually move on
A
female
reader, Marilissa75  +, writes (16 March 2014):
 I am sorry you are having this problem. You are lovesick for this man. It is understandable because you have been through a lot with him, have kids by him, and have had a lot of breakups and reuniting. I would recommend you find some things to do with your time. Start exercising. Take walks with friends. Read some self improvement books. Take up a hobby like drawing or painting or collecting something. I was with a man for about three years total and it was on again, off again and we were married during part of it and it was agonizing even without children. It took over two years to move past it completely. There is not an easy, fast way through it but I spent a lot of time with friends, made new friends, tried some new hobbies, tried church, worked a lot, spent time on self improvement. I made mistakes during that time too but now I am dating someone interesting who treats me respectfully. I am optimistic that I have options and that I will never again be with a man who does not treat me well or who does not respect me or who does not want me as much as I want him. I am attracted to healthier people now because I am healthier. I pray for your healing. Be strong, be courageous, go outside of your comfort zone. You will surprise yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2014): It has been my experience through the years that women turn to other women for sensitive matters that men can't physically or mentally relate to.
Your life has been centered around this man. You mention nothing of dating, friends, or even if you have a career. All you seem to live for is your children, and him.
I have advised dozens of people on this site about going through the withdrawal of letting go. It is a tough process emotionally, mentally; and includes a chemical-process that takes place in your brain. So it's not like quitting the habit of nail-biting.
You used the children as your only connecting-thread out of desperation. The one and only way you knew you were guaranteed to stay linked together. You were caught in a cycle of taking him back after his extended absences. You're addicted like a drug. This is where being around other women might prove helpful. Now you want him more; because there seems no hope he's coming back for you.
Was it more selfish, than for the children's sake?
You need a reconnection to your own support-system. You need to go to counseling; and join a support-group for women. Not because of any type of abuse; but because of your emotional dependence. It is very debilitating for
some women. It lands them in depression.
Sharing stories and creating female-friends. When you have no friends or support-group; you become fixated on the only thing you know. He becomes you world.
What's that crap about you not showing him love? That is the most warn-out and overused excuses ever used by cheaters. Has he ever explained what he meant by that?
It's how he made an excuse to exit the door, and leave you with two kids on your own.
If you are a in a dependent-relationship; he is your universe. All you know and all you want. He was with other women when he was away from you, and you know it. He finally found one he doesn't want to give up. Now you have to face reality. He is serious and has found a compatible mate.
Counselors may be helpful to some degree; but listening and talking with other women seems to get to a place in your head only another woman can find. On a more personal level.
Some see counselors alone, as too clinical. A sympathetic and yet objective opinion helps us to stay more in perspective. That normally comes from an established support system. Not just a friend you call to gossip.
A true friend. One you have stay-up all-night conversations with. That's how I got through being dumped. People sticking their necks out; and opening their hearts to comfort me. To advise me, to criticize me. Renew me.
We often follow our hearts wherever it leads us. For a woman. Your mother, a sister, or a girlfriend snaps you out of a love-trance quicker than anyone else can. They are also the people that tell us what you don't want to hear, when you need to hear it. They are accessible when you need a shoulder, or someplace to vent. Just having a boyfriend is not enough. Where do you turn when he's gone? You wouldn't have taken him back so quickly, if you knew better.
I also suggest that you take some classes. Get a secondary education. You need confidence and a stronger sense of
self-reliance. You propped yourself up on this guy. He was the strength you feel you don't have.
Now he is slipping away. You have to rebuild your own strength; and he will seem less necessary tor you. Eventually, he will be just the man who helps to support and raise your two children. You will not need him for any other reason other than that. Imagine it. It is possible.
You will be open and available to other relationships and will have a different approach to men. You will have self-awareness, rather than dependence on a partner.
Having the choice to live with, or without him. That will be the most liberating feeling you'll ever feel in your life. Not needing any man, but enjoying the option to have one in your life.
Seek the counseling and referral to group discussions.
They can be cleansing and stimulating. Sharing your feelings is also another form of liberation. Gaining strength back through the guidance and help from other women, who have walked in your shoes.
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A
female
reader, brock24 +, writes (16 March 2014):
 If he was willing to leave you and move on so quick he is not worth the heartach. It will hurt but if you give yourself time to heal you will find someone who loves you, and will stand by you no matter what stay strong and faith.
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