A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am not sure about my boyfriend. We have been together a year and see each other often. The next step is moving in. I do find that he's not very good with emotions. He thinks I'm too emotional and I find him cold and dismissive sometimes. I find myself reaching out to a couple of good male friends and female friends rather than going to him with problems as they crop up and wish things were different. One of my male friends is so easy to talk to and I cant help hut compare. I want my boyfriend to be someone who can understand me.Are some people naturally less emotionally intelligent than others or am I just expecting too much from him and should accept his good qualifies such as his reliability, honesty, work ethic and fairness. We gave a good sex life and I find him attractive. He would never consider couple counselling and thinks we go round in circles sometimes. .
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (16 March 2014):
 It's always tough to make a decision when you "...(We) have a good sex life and I find him attractive..."
Because, so many of us would trade any- and everything to have a great sex life... even if it was with an angry crocodile!!!!!!
Soooo.... put your panties back on and decide if you (a HOT potato!) can survive with a "cold fish" for a boyfriend and mate. I suggest that the answer is quite likely, "no."
P.S. How about holding off on the "next step" (living together) until you have a crystal-clear feeling/ understanding about this?....
Good luck..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2014): I took some of your comments from your post to allow you to analyze your own words, and also to use the advice we've offered you more effectively.
"I find myself reaching out to a couple of good male friends and female friends rather than going to him with problems as they crop up and wish things were different."
You first must know how to effectively communicate with your partner. Our friends have a different sort of relationship with us; and more often, side with us on issues out of loyalty. They know you've come to them for support. You will also chose only those friends most likely to do that. Therefore, you're stacking the deck in your favor to begin with.
It is difficult to get your boyfriend's attention if you cry; or do a lot of whining and dramatizing to make your point.
If you're always complaining, that will cause anyone to learn to tune you out. People get immune to whining and complaining; and just write it off as one of your personality-quirks, and simply don't listen. They just force themselves to be present at one of your bitching-sessions to allow you to vent. The same holds true with your friends. What you are describing as sympathetic listening, may only be a room full of bobble-heads allow you to vent your feelings.
Your boyfriend may not listen to you; because he just wants you to get to the point without the drama-queen performance.
Delivery is important. If you have a problem staying on point; people are more likely to ignore you. Ask your boyfriend directly, what it is you can do to make discussing your relationship more effective?
Accept the constructive criticism; because the point is, you want to have a two-way discussion to resolve problems effecting the relationship. You want to be able to come to him when you need to talk.
However; I think after a year. This should have been a skill you both have developed between you, in order to maintain the peace and to effectively communicate.
There can never be compromise between you two; because you can never bring your issues to the table for discussion. Singling out your favorite listener, who happens to be male, is just a stroke to your ego. Somebody is willing to listen and understand you. Therefore; he is a better listener than your boyfriend.
Not necessarily. He's a nice person; but he isn't your boyfriend. He may have a different opinion of you, if you were actually his girlfriend. He is basing his opinion on one-side of the story. Yours!
That being the case; his opinion is biased at best. If your boyfriend is so awful, why did you stick it out for a whole year? Honeymoon's do come to an end; then you get down to the real meaning of your relationship. You deal with reality.
"One of my male friends is so easy to talk to and I cant help hut compare."
You are being unfair to your boyfriend. Of course you think the guy who agrees with you, and is always on your side is the better guy. How would he feel about you, if he had to deal with the same issues as your boyfriend? It's easier to choose sides, when all you know is one side. He listens; but he is in no position to resolve the problems between you and your boyfriend. There seems to be differences in your two personalities that just done match.
It's easy to blame it all on the boyfriend, and playing the victim. So the whole problem is, he just doesn't listen or understand you?
Maybe you don't understand yourself. Perhaps you lack maturity; and the effective interactive skills to communicate, in a way that you get and maintain attention to your concerns. You use your friends as sounding-boards, and air your dirty laundry. That will also make your boyfriend less likely to open-up or deal with you. Due to this childishness.
Stop using your friends to gang-up on your boyfriend. Stop comparing your male friend to your boyfriend. Like the little girl who runs to daddy, when mommy says no!
"Are some people naturally less emotionally intelligent than others"
As I previously mentioned. You may not be compatible.
Intellect is not tied to emotion. Intellect is tied to logic. People may be more empathetic to your complaints; that doesn't mean they understand you. In fact, they may only pity your immaturity, and feel sorry for your partner more than you think. Naturally they're going to be kind to you. It's best when friends also make you realize when you are being foolish and unreasonable.
Always agreeing with you doesn't help you to see things at all angles. It prevents you from being objective and fair. You're not always right. You present your one-sided case full of tales about how bad your boyfriend is, you get exactly the response and reactions you want. That's very manipulative of your friends.
You need to dump your boyfriend. Take some time off to be single, and to work on yourself. Mature more. Learn to solve your problems and effectively communicate.
If he is in fact, the poor choice of a boyfriend as you claim; then what choice would you have but to let him go?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2014): Firstly, I think being together one year is generally enough time to get to know someone well enough to figure out whether you are compatible for marriage, living together.. which is pretty much the same as marriage without the legal bind/tax related effects and the maze of the divorce courts should it all go horribly wrong.
But there's a massive red flag waving. He isn't receptive or responsive to you when you need to talk. It could well be that he can't handle you being over the top with your emotions (as he perceives it)?. I can relate to this as I am generally quite calm and rational despite feeling things very deeply, so this might well be a case of how he does and doesn't express himself. If you say he was better at the start though and now it feels more like him giving you the cold shoulder about your feelings, then you do need to look deeper and I would postpone any plans to move in together for now.
So if I were in your shoes, and everything else were good, which it sounds like it is, I would try another approach. I would learn how to handle my feelings if I had a sensitive issue which I needed to discuss and be more calm about it. See how he responds then.
Also can you give some specific examples of him being a "cold fish" and what triggered his behaviour? More detailed information could be helpful here. And why do you say you are emotional? What is different exactly between your behaviours and his?
An example from my own past. I was on holiday with my ex and when I called my Mum, she said she was very ill.. in fact, she had a really bad blood infection after a leg injury and hadn't told me about the injury as she wanted me to have a holiday and not worry about her. I wish she had told me. After the call and finding out she was very sick and that my Dad was being his usual uncaring self towards her, I broke down and sobbed. I immediately wanted to get home but immediately was impossible as I was on the other side of the world. My boyfriend was quite callous towards me and said "if your Mum dies, you won't have a breakdown will you?" And that I would need to get over it in 2 weeks!!! His Mum had passed away when he was a teenager and he had to come to terms with it with little support at the time, so he was coming from a space of HIS way of coping, but nevertheless, it was a stupid and uncaring thing to say and his whole attitude was get a grip of yourself etc etc.
He behaved like a tosser in other ways and that's why he is my ex. But look a little more closely at the whys and the wherefores.
And watch out with male friends. In my (general) experience, if they are trying to get into your pants or replace your partner, well, they may well say what they think you need to here. Of course not all of them will be like that, but just be careful who you open up to :)
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 March 2014):
 The second I read the title, I *knew* that a another guy has entered your attention, and as I read you say this: "One of my male friends is so easy to talk to and I cant help hut compare", my suspicion was confirmed.
You've been together for a year, so you're fully recognizing your incompatibility. You can't change him, and he can't change you. However, you have the ask the hard question here -- how much of this frustration is because you are interested in someone else now? That's the first step in cheating: When you start comparing your illicit love interest to your boyfriend, your boyfriend will *always* lose. Then all of the traits that bother you about him are amplified.
There's no such thing as "emotional intelligence" because that is an oxymoron. People who are emotional can lack self-control, and people who rely too much on reason can supress their emotions. I would venture to guess that in the happy honeymoon phase, his reserve attracted you because you are emotional and probably feel like you wear your heart on your sleeve and your emotions rock you like river rapids, while his stoic nature seemed like a strength and a rock.
But don't mistake stoicism for "cold fish" by comparing him to another man. That's the first issue - you are developing feelings for another man which is skewing out your relationship in its entirety.
So you must decide, since cheating ain't an option that has any sort of honor, are you going to stay with your guy, or are you going to go in another direction?? Remember, your boyfriend was considered more emotional by you in earlier, happier days.
If your relationship has run its course, then you should make the break and pursue your new love interest. You say he would never consider couples counseling, but have you told him you need to go, or are you assuming he wouldn't consider it?? Even if you brought it up, but he refused, you could go yourself, because self-improvement is more valuable than all the money in the world.
You have some decisions, and your interest in another man is fogging up your perception, especially if you're airing your relationship laundry to this other seemingly understanding man. Eventually, all honeymoon periods end, and the presence of emotional expression isn't emotional intelligence. It's good to be free with emotions, but there is value in self-control of those emotions when they pull you towards unhealthy decisions, like your interest in another man. I know you could come back here and deny it, but be honest with yourself here. It's attraction 101. You may not have any intention of cheating, but the seed is there, and the evidence is weakening your current relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2014): One on the things people seem to less interested in that is the most important ingredient absolutely essential for the a successful relationship. COMPATIBILITY! Simply being attracted is not enough. Without compatibility as a part of the formula, it's just a matter of time before it's over.
He's a cold fish and you're emotional. You have male friends more responsive to your needs. He wouldn't even
consider counseling only because it's a waste of time.
Are you missing something here?
Unless you're moving in just to be roommates and sex-buddies; you'll be looking for another place to live inside six months.
After a year, it hasn't gotten any better.
Are you using your brain to analyze this situation at all?
Moving in? Seriously?!!!
Dump him!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2014): I think your boyfriend is the wrong man for you. He is not going to change. And clearly you are already supplementing the relationship with male friends who are more like what you want. Sooner or later, you have to face the facts. Your boyfriend isn't your type. The sooner the better. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Marilissa75 +, writes (16 March 2014):
 This can get tricky. The things that attract you to him and make your sex life good are part of who he is. He is not going to change. I am very emotional too and it can be overwhelming. I have ruined relationships by being too prone to emotional intensity that manifests as neediness and clinginess. I have learned to reign that in and I do also rely on good friends to help me through my emotional times. I help them, too. I have learned not to expect a man to be like a woman in a relationship. They are not like us, generally speaking. Take a few steps back and do not move in together until you have worked out your relationship issues. Living together can be lonely if you are feeling needy and wanting him to meet those needs and he pulls further away. Do some work on yourself, get centered and balanced, and decide for yourself in a few months whether he is right for you before you move in. Some men are more emotionally responsive than others and can handle a more emotional woman. Then again, we are not always attracted to those men.
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