A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been thinking about leaving my husband. I was on a business trip recently and enjoyed my time away, however, I missed my husband. It has been a few days since my return and already I can't stand being back. He is unbearable to be around. He has this idea of the person I should be and is disappointed because I have not reached his expectations. I am happy with myself. Recently he has accused me of not contributing enough to the marriage. He feels I am using him. That I am constantly wanting him to take care of me, considering he barely spends time with me I have no idea how he came to this conclusion. Things I find important he mocks. I do not want to give up on my marriage but find that I am wishing more and more that I hadn't married him. If we weren't married I would have broken up with him. Sadly, I've made a grave mistake and married this person. I am stuck. Helpful tips to make this work would be appreciated. Discussion, sadly, isn't an option. I have tried and he will only toss hateful comment at me. He will not discuss our problems because he says "it upsets me too much."
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 March 2014):
 You have your own job, so how is it that he controls your finances? Get things straight, get control over the finances yourself.
To me, what this sounds like, is that he has an addiction he doesn't tell you about. You don't mention what he does for a living, why you moved. But if he is becoming more controlling, and if he keeps a lock on the finances and wont discuss troubles with you, and he's bitter and angry most of the time.. it sounds like an addiction. Maybe gambling, maybe drinking. Addictions can lead to depression, or mood changes. He was not like this before, as you say. So my guess is something happened, or got out of control for him.
I would advice you to look into the finances in order to see if you find any clues to your marriage troubles there. With men it's often that there is a big problem, but they wont tell or share. They try to control the problem, and as long as they think they have it under control they won't tell. This can be debt, drinking, drugs, gambling, you name it. It can also be depression or other mental illnesses that he is embarrassed about. Or it could also be some other medical issue that he feels is taboo to talk about. These things men can keep to themselves, and will not share or talk about, no matter how crucial it is to the survival of the relationship/marriage.
He appears to have lost control of something in his life, if he suddenly increases control of the marriage/you/the finances. I do not think it has anything to do with you at all, or with problems in the marriage either. I think you are sadly just his punching bag for his frustrations.
Maybe he got sacked, and doesn't want to tell you. Could be many things, but you know there IS a problem, and you know he does not want to talk about it. He excuses himself by blaming you (you're too emotional etc). It's just in order to shift blame and focus, so you will be upset about his comment rather than be focused on the real underlying issue at hand.
Maybe he cheated and got someone pregnant.
Maybe a person he knew died, and he is grieving but sees it as a weakness for a man to grieve.
Could be many things that cause the troubles. Could be he is also just an idiot.
But the first place to look for answers, when he's not sharing, is to look at your economy. Look at the bills as well, what's coming in versus what's going out. How is your financial situation?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2014): Thank you for all of your replies. I appreciate them.
WiseOwlE- You have made some wonderful point. I looked back through my post and you are correct the word love is not there. I do love him.
My husband is very aggressive. He likes to be dominate. It is a trait that since our marriage has been coming more and more to the forefront. And I do tend to cry when we get into arguments I do not, however, raise my voice. The crying might be preventing him from wanting to talk to me. Although for this particular argument I did not cry (in front of him) once.
One thing you are wrong about is that this was not a whirlwind marriage. We dated for six years and even lived together before the marriage. I cannot tell you how much he has changed from when we first started dating. It was expected that we would change and grow as people. But I miss the boy I started dating so much sometimes. The man he turned out to be isn't nearly so nice.
YouWish- We haven't been married very long. Our 1st wedding anniversary is in July. He has never cheated on me. I did ask him to explain what he meant and that was when he told me it "upsets me too much" to talk about these things. I tried to get him to talk but he just ignored me and started watching TV. It was at that point I gave up.
I hope he has never seen me as a gold digger. Although he has used to term "Trophy Wife" quite a bit so I'm not exactly sure how he sees me. I see him as my partner and I think he feels the same. Although I have my doubts.
llifton- I have no one here. After we were married. He moved us across country. I have no family here and limited friends. None I could stay with. I contemplated getting a hotel for a few nights but money stopped me. He controls our finances and is very closed lipped about it when I ask. At the moment I have some money tucked away but am hesitant to spend it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2014): Everyone is different and you are both too different. You need a deeper emotional level and he can't give this to you. I would draw on close family and friends to support you through this time if you can. You need so much more than a man like him is able to give you. There are lovely men who are not like him. This has happened to me twice and its soul destroying staying and just gets worse. There is no reason to stay.
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (16 March 2014):
 The thing is, you're not stuck. I know it's not ideal, but you can get a divorce. If you're as unhappy as you say, move out and file for one. he sounds like a miserable guy to be around. Maybe pack up and leave for a few days and think it over. Do you have any friends or family close by you could stay with?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 March 2014):
 What is his definition of "not contributing", and in what way does he consider you "using" him?? If it were me and my husband leveled accusations of that nature at me, I'd be asking for examples, and especially what exactly he means?
You're young, so I'm guessing you haven't been married for long? Has he ever cheated on you in the past before you were married??
Sometimes a marriage is like a liver. When a liver goes bad, it throws off warning signs like jaundice, itching, odd sensations, and so on. Your marriage is throwing off warning signs, starting with your immediate revulsion of him upon sight.
His accusations are strange to me, because unless he's some trust fund baby thinking that you're some sort of gold digging diva (and you don't seem to come across as that), I'd be suspicious of cheating, because those are "back off" comments from a guy being distant.
Counseling or a lawyer at this point. He's stonewalling you, and I'd be suspicious, because it makes no sense in a marriage to react to emotional needs in this fashion.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2014): It's difficult to get men to open up and express their emotions and feelings. In the case of an aggressive and controlling partner, he just isn't hearing it. His point is to show his power. Not to compromise. He wants to be heard, not to listen.
If you are an emotional person, and given to dramatizing; he would rather poke himself in the eye with a fork, than go through an emotional tango with you. No one wants to listen to the rantings of a drooling drama-queen; with runny mascara, who never gets to the point. Just rambling on and on. The conversation goes completely offtrack, and the only point made is how hurt she is. He ends up feeling like an a-hole; but nobody has any idea how to fix it.
It sounds like you're a totally incompatible couple who decided it was a mistake after a world-wind romance, leading to an immediate marriage. The express-train from dating to the alter.
You should have discovered all this stuff between dating and your engagement. Long before now.
If you both want to save your marriage; you have to get into marriage-counseling. Marriage-counselors aren't often as effective as they could be; only because most people wait until their marriage is hemorrhaging before they go.
Like people who don't see their doctor, until they're showing symptoms. Only to receive the worst diagnostic
news.
Most couples that usually succeed through counseling; are those that really want to save their marriages, and will do anything to do it.
They will make deliberate effort to both go to sessions together, they will read publications on healing and communication; and they will follow every exercise necessary to mend their marriages. They hit a bump somewhere in the road, but they are willing to make the effort.
How committed are you and your husband to do this? How much do you really love each other? I don't really think you love him. I searched your post for the word love. It isn't there.
The key work in your post that really says there is very little hope, is the admission you made a "mistake." How much effort can you put behind saving a mistaken marriage?
If he isn't willing to open communication; you're likely to waste a lot of time. You'll be sitting there while he clams up on the seat next to you. Refusing to to participate; because he will not want to allow you the opportunity to voice your opinions, or explain why you're unhappy. Why do you think he refuses to talk? It's his way or the highway!
That's why!
You on the other-hand, probably go into an emotional tizzy and tirade; and can't get a point across without screaming and buckets of tears. Shouting doesn't get the point across to someone who isn't listening. If he doesn't care what you're saying; volume isn't the problem. It's the topic of the argument. I call it an argument. Just an angry highly emotional exchange of words, with no one listening.
Get your legal matters in order and hire yourself a good attorney. Offer him the final ultimatum. Counseling, or divorce. If you really aren't up for the counseling; just get out of this racket as soon as you can do it. You've got a long rocky road ahead of you either-way.
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