A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,How do I stop associating everything with my ex? It's kind of freaky how much everything reminds me of him. I don't want to be one of those people who get triggered by things even 5 years after the breakup. I want to be free of him. I want to also prevent this from happening with a future partner - to not become so attached that everything in life revolves around them. There needs to be balance ... with my ex, there definitely was not, I pretty much let him consume my life 24-7... and now I'm dealing with the aftermath, the withdrawal, but it's not even that I miss him, I am very far from that - I broke up with him because he turned out to be a terrible person, I never actually loved him (how naive of me to have called it that), I believe I only liked the idea of him because once I found out more about him (he held a lot back for a long time, in retrospect he waited until I was emotionally attached to him before he let the real him come out. And boy was I emotionally attached...), I was not attracted to him anymore. Foolish of me to have thought it was love, it was clearly lust.Anyway, he's just in my head all the time, how do I get him out?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2021): Read your post back to yourself a few times. You are giving a testimony of what you've learned from your past mistakes. My dear, that's growth!
You are fully cognizant of your reality, and owning your past mistakes; which makes you less likely to repeat them. Yes, there is always some residual-effect or those past impressions that linger; but you are more aware now of what you did wrong in the past.
When you find yourself having flashbacks, or ruminating on the hell you once endured with your ex; just read your post to remind you of what you've gone through, and why you broke-up with him. You've vented your feelings in writing your post, but it's more than that. You are seeing real-life and adulthood full-on! Your eyes are now open!
It takes time and further healing to get-over someone you really cared about; so you have to give yourself adequate recovery-time, before you consider jumping into another relationship. Rebound-emotions are what comes next. Be prepared! You have to develop the self-control to purge your ex out of your system to the degree you can consciously dismiss those memories or flashbacks that pop-up and cause you angst.
Full-detachment and separation is a process; and it takes effort to move on. There is no easy way. You've detailed all your anxieties and old issues that are cropping-up; which means you can work on them as they arise. You are literally undergoing withdrawal; it's scientifically a chemical-process happening in your brain. Dopamine and serotonin, which once made you feel euphoric and in-love, is now cut-off. He is no longer your pusher or supplier. You long for a fix, but now you know he's the wrong source. He causes you more pain and suffering than peace and love.
Don't stress yourself trying to get-over your raw or negative-emotions overnight. You'll have your good-days and some bad ones. Relapses occur as your subconscious-mind is working to push traumatic-events of the past, and the resulting emotional-pain, into the farthest recesses to the back of your mind. I know, because I've been there and done that.
Recovery takes time and effort. You'll reach a point in your healing-process that you'll automatically delete or suppress memories to make room for the present and future. You'll regain your strength from knowing he doesn't deserve control over your feelings and emotions. The things detailed in your post establishes the fact you are realizing this. That means your subconscious-mind is already working to eradicate past memories and trauma.
Use the reasons you had to leave him as motivation to move forward; and allow the anger it provokes to help you to let-go. You only superficially recognize the relationship is over, and why. Now you have to accept it. Your heart is refusing to synchronize with your mind. That's symptomatic of your grief and loss. Sweetheart, trust me...it gets better!
The conflict within you now is your subconscious-mind reconciling with the fact he is no longer in your life; and it's attempting to distance you from memories of the past. That causes confusion and discomfort; because there is still a part of you trying to hold-on. I relate to the state of mind you're in right-now; because that's how I felt, just before I finally decided it's over. I didn't want to deal with any of it anymore! I was done!!!
Fight with all your might, and you'll get-over the past. Look forward, and don't look back! You have a lifetime ahead of you! He was just a tear-drop in an ocean of men!
A
female
reader, Alwin  +, writes (13 July 2021):
 This sort of thing really takes time, do you work? when I busy at work I tend to not thing about anything else and so I would advice you to get busy doing other things,
different things from the stuff you did together, maybe join a gym, or volunteer at some place, sign up for online classes to learn a new language, this kind of thing that keeps the mind busy. If he gave you things I recommend you donate them or throw them away and cut all contact with him, don't follow him on ig and if possible ask mutual friends to not talk about him to you. the less you see of him or hear of him the better.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 July 2021):
 We can't spot our thought wandering back to past memories but we CAN stop those memories from taking root in our heads. As soon as a memory of him pops into your mind, smile and say to yourself "not now" and think of something else which is pleasant and not associated with him. If you keep doing this, it will eventually become second nature.
I am considerably older than you and have had a variety of partners over the years, some good, others not so great. There are things which can trigger memories of nearly all of them, even 40+ years down the line, but the memories are fleeting and don't affect my mood as I won't allow it. Songs, smells, words, even other people who have similar characteristics, all can trigger thoughts of past relationships. This is not unusual. You just have to learn to live with it and move past it.
Have a few "happy thoughts" ready which are guaranteed to lift your mood. A song you particularly like, which makes you sing and dance perhaps. Thoughts of a pet if you have one, or a close friend or family member who makes you happy. Whatever works for you. As soon as a thought of your ex pops into your head, replace it with something else. It will get easier in time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 July 2021):
 Time, OP
It just takes time. You have already processed a lot - like the fact that you didn't really love HIM, but the IDEA of him, etc.
The more you let him "roam free" in your thoughts, the longer this will bother you. Shut it down ASAP when you think of him and "mentally" change the subject. Keep doing that until you rarely even think of him.
He might pop up every now and then and that is only normal. I still get "flashbacks" to an ex when I hear a certain song. That's life.
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