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male
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anonymous
writes: I dated a girl for just over 2 months and it was the best relationship ever. Not only were we a good couple, but we were the best of friends too.At the beginning of the 3rd month she asked me if we could just remain friends as other factors in her personal life were getting on top of her and she needed to take some time out from the relationship until these problems had been sorted out. Officially we were both single again.We stayed in touch and were in regular contact, remaining best friends throughout.She had some additional problems that arose while she was still getting over the initial problems - including the death of a close friend.Things changed when she met someone else about 2 weeks ago. This other man asked her out about a week after they had met and become friends. She agreed to go out with him.Understandably this upset me a great deal. She says that she didn't mean to hurt me, things just happened, but that she doesn't want to lose me from her life. She would like to remain best friends with me, but I am finding it a bit difficult. I still like her very much and care about her a great deal.She is unsure about this new man in her life, so is taking it very slowly with him. She has spoken of coming to visit me or arranging to meet up with me in person - just the 2 of us, as friends.I am not sure how to deal with this. I don't want to lose her from my life either.What would you advise?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI now accept the fact that my ex has moved on in her life and she really does want to be with this other man, and this other man does seem to make her happy at the moment.
I made a drunken phone call to my ex's flat last Friday. She did not answer the phone, but when she checked her phone in the morning - I was the last person who had called. She asked why I phoned and I said that I was very sorry, I was drunk and was worried about her. She was very angry about it, said that she is a old enough to look after herself.
We had an online discussion on Saturday night, she was angry with me and I apologised to her for what I did. She recommended that I take some time out away from her. I said I agreed. The events of the past few weeks had messed my head up and I told her I needed to clear my mind of things so that I could get a fresh perspective.
The discussion ended a lot more possivitely than it had started. I told her that I would still like to be friends with her and that I would contact her in 2 to 4 weeks, once I'd sorted myself out. She was pleased I still wanted to be friends and was actually very supportive and encouraging. She also said that some time apart would benefit her so that she can concerntrate on other issues still affecting her life.
So, I am no longer interested in trying to win my ex-girlfriend back. It took an incident like last weekend's to make me realise how much I really do value her friendship. And that her being my friend means a lot more to me than her being my girlfriend again.
I plan to not contact her for about 2 weeks at least, when I do contact her it will be as a friend. I can only see where things go from there once I have done that.
How can I mend my friendship with my ex-girlfriend?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"Fear of Failure should never be the reason not to try."A friend of mine said that to me last night, although he was actually talking about something completely different to my situation. However, those words rang loud in my head and I have been thinking of that phrase ever since. I have applied that philosophy to my situation with my ex.I am going to try everything to win her back. It is a gamble, losing might hurt my heart further, but winning would be the ultimate prize. A prize worth trying my best for.After thinking about this over and over I realised that the situation between her and this other man is out of my control, so my best approach is to be the best and most caring friend she has and present to her everything that I am and can offer her (and I don't mean material items).With that phrase at the top still in my mind, I phoned her this evening.I asked her about her weekend and her plans for this week. I asked her about her children - we talked quite a bit about them actually. I even had a brief chat with her youngest child on the phone - which was very nice.I said that I would love to take her and her kids out for a day in the summer holidays. My ex seemed to really like that idea.We also talked about Friday. She said she still wanted to meet up with me, but might be busy with moving stuff into her new place that day. I offered to help her move stuff, this time she accepted my offer and said she'd let me know when she needed me to help. I asked if she would still like to do something that evening with me anyway - she said yes. So, if I go to help her move stuff during the day I will be there anyway - so we might end up going out near where she lives. If not, we will meet up in the city centre.The conversation ended on a possitive note. I felt that we had a very good chat.She only briefly mentioned the other man, saying that she had argued with him today over something to do with this backstabber - though I decided not to pry further. But I think the cracks are starting to appear in their 'relationship'.I'm trying not to think about her and the other man now, and just concerntrate on showing her what a caring and supportive man I can be towards her.As with before - this is still very much one step at a time, and I have no wish to jump the gun. I will just see how things unfold over the coming days and weeks and let nature take its course.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you again Country Woman.
I should just point out that this new man told my ex that he still loved this backstabber 2 days BEFORE he asked out - not after, but I still take your point on board.
She is a sensible woman, and her other recent experiences have taught her to be a stronger person and not take sh!t off people. I don't believe she would invite this man down until she felt more secure, and I believe she would invite him down at a time when her children are at their father's place, so that it'd just be her. That, after all, is what she did with me.
I've been thinking of giving her a small present when I next see her. Not jewellery though. Something that I know she would like and use/wear - but not something with hearts on. I fear that might have the opposite affect.
If we meet up next Friday, I will suggest a night out in my home area - although I still think she would prefer the city centre as it is 'neuteral ground' if you like - it is between where we both live. I will see what she prefers.
If we go out next Friday as friends, I will certainly pull out all the stops to try and see her as much as possible there after.
This man has not been to see her since he asked her out. She could have asked him to come and see her next weekend - as I know she is free on the Friday night at least.
I am trying my best to stay possitive and focussed. My ex has said her self only recently - she is not ready for ANY man to get too close to her at the moment.
I need to show her that I am her friend and that I care about her a lot - but without saying that I think she should go out with me again. I accept that, at the end of the day, such a decission is up to her - and I can not force her into decide in my favour. Al I can do is just be there for her.
Of course, there is a factor that I have yet to deal with that someone pointed out to me today.
What if she has no intention of getting back with me? Regardless of this other man. What if she only sees me as a suppotive friend and nothing else?
I am not sure how I will react to that, but at the moment I am just going to try and show her that I do want to remain friends but that I still care about her as much as I ever did.
I guesss only time will tell.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2006): Thank you again Country Woman.I should just point out that this new man told my ex that he still loved this backstabber 2 days BEFORE he asked out - not after, but I still take your point on board.She is a sensible woman, and her other recent experiences have taught her to be a stronger person and not take sh!t off people. I don't believe she would invite this man down until she felt more secure, and I believe she would invite him down at a time when her children are at their father's place, so that it'd just be her. That, after all, is what she did with me.I've been thinking of giving her a small present when I next see her. Not jewellery though. Something that I know she would like and use/wear - but not something with hearts on. I fear that might have the opposite affect.If we meet up next Friday, I will suggest a night out in my home area - although I still think she would prefer the city centre as it is 'neuteral ground' if you like - it is between where we both live. I will see what she prefers.If we go out next Friday as friends, I will certainly pull out all the stops to try and see her as much as possible there after.This man has not been to see her since he asked her out. She could have asked him to come and see her next weekend - as I know she is free on the Friday night at least.I am trying my best to stay possitive and focussed. My ex has said her self only recently - she is not ready for ANY man to get too close to her at the moment.I need to show her that I am her friend and that I care about her a lot - but without saying that I think she should go out with me again. I accept that, at the end of the day, such a decission is up to her - and I can not force her into decide in my favour. Al I can do is just be there for her.Of course, there is a factor that I have yet to deal with that someone pointed out to me today.What if she has no intention of getting back with me? Regardless of this other man. What if she only sees me as a suppotive friend and nothing else?I am not sure how I will react to that, but at the moment I am just going to try and show her that I do want to remain friends but that I still care about her as much as I ever did.I guesss only time will tell.
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (20 May 2006):
 Wow things are quite stressful for you right now I must admit.
It is never easy to see someone we truly care about with someone else and the fact that you have previously dated is even worse.
Without sounding malicious, how can this man suddenly stop loving this backstabber that he told your ex was the love of his life to now say he wants nothing more to do with her. I would warn your ex when you see her to be truly wary as you never want to see her get hurt and this is not sour grapes or anything and say that to her. You are genuinely worried about her feelings over this new man.
I think she would see that as you being protective over her and not too pressurised as it must have hurt her when he told her he still loved the backstabber after he asked your ex out, I know I would have thought so why is he going out with me then if he still loves another woman. I mean you want to be the most important person in a man's life and saying you still love someone else means that you are never truly sure if he is going to give the new relationship 100%. So I would be wary of the new man in that respect. I am not saying he is not a decent guy but you can't turn off emotions that quickly.
Perhaps giving your ex something to go into her new home or a piece of jewellery like a necklace or bracelet which has a heart on or something depending on what you can afford. It is something that will last forever and every time she wears it she will think of the person who bought it for her.
If you have a bit more cash than her right now perhaps say you will treat her to the meal so that she can get out or whatever you are doing. Make it a quiet evening and not an up town event. Nice meal or cook for her at your place or something with a nice bottle of wine and a DVD afterwards or something so that you can talk, relax and spend time together. Going to the pictures or a club etc means you are not going to get the chance to talk and spend time one on one so to speak.
OK so if your ex comes to see you next Friday then make the effort to go and see her before the new man gets to see her. Play with the children and let her see how much a great guy you are.
I would also be careful about warning her but I think she should give it plenty of time before she allows the new guy to stay over as you always have to be careful around children and I think she would know this anyway but I would not have a new man staying with me if it was not a relationship that I was heavily involved in and had very strong feelings about before they met my child as it is very confusing for them.
Part of me also thinks that if this guy was so into your ex he would have jumped through hoops to get to see her before now and even just visit the area without staying with her as time seems to have gone on and they haven't even been out yet.
I think the distance thing is going to get her down in the long run but it is something she will have to deal with like you say herself.
Just try and pull out all the stops no matter what to see her as much as you can before the new guy and that is all you can do right now.
Telling her that you don't want to see the new guy and her asking you if you would hit him means she must know that you still care for her deeply so I think saying that you couldn't handle that is the right thing to do.
I wish you well and let me know what you think of my suggestions eh!
BFN
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI only just updated my previous update when your last post came through Country Woman.
As I mentioned in that update, I have now realised that she seems a lot more into him than I first thought. And that he seems to be a nice guy as far as I can make out.
If my ex and I meet up for drinks next Friday - how should I play it? I mean what are the best ways to show someone you really care about them without coming across like a complete creep?
I even suggested that she could come up to where I live and we could go out around here (I know she likes the restaurants and pubs around here), she said that was possible. If she did come up to where I lived, she'd have to stay over night at my place though. If that did happen - I have a perfectly good sofa-bed in the spare bedroom. So there wouldn't be any awkwardness about sleeping arrangements. Though if we just go out in the city centre, it's more likely she'll want to go back home to sleep - probably without me.
At the moment I am just thinking 'Keep it simple and uncomplicated'. But I am also hoping that she can see me as more than just a friend again.
If we do go out next Friday and have a good time together, I am hoping I will get to see her again at least once before she manages to arrange to meet this new man. There is no way she will travel up to him because, a) he lives too near this backstabber woman (for reasons I won't explain here), and b) She can't afford to. All her money - just about - is going into her new flat and the essentials for her kids.
And she won't invite him down until she has moved flat and got the flat sorted out.
But, she might still ask me to help her decorate - we shall see.
I want to make our first meeting memorable for happy reasons so that future meetings are more likely.
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reader, Country Woman +, writes (19 May 2006):
Ooh strange that I should mention the decorating thing and the fact that you have already talked about it with her re the new move etc.
Perhaps my antenna is picking up things or something, oohhhh errr missus!!!! lol
OK so the flowers are a no go, you really have thought a lot about what this girl really likes and seem to know her likes and dislikes which is a great way of her seeing that as well.
Wow the next school hols is only just over a week away so not long to wait to see her and her children again. The fact that she is allowing you to mix with her children and be part of their lives means that she trusts you completely and that is one huge compliment. I am extremely wary of anyone new around my 5 year old daughter so I think you have one huge boost to your confidence in that alone.
You are so right in the fact that time is the key here and you are miles ahead of the new guy in the fact that she places an awful amount of trust in you as she has let you babysit for her and so being the friend and being helpful and encouraging is what will bring you closer together. No there are no guarantees in life but I think you are doing everything right so best of luck and keep doing whatever your doing eh!!
True love always wins in the end and being comfortable with those we care about makes it extra special.
BFN
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTheir have been some further developments since the post I left earlier today.
I spoke to my ex-girlfriend for about an hour and a half tonight.
On the whole the chat was good - well, good in the sense that we mostly talked about her new flat that she is moving into soon and the problems she's having relating to this big move. I mentioned again about taking out after she's moved in and settle, an idea she is still kean on.
However, at one point she did mention her new man. And I had to really bite my lip and just go with what she said. She was talking to me about this backstabber friend and had to mention her new man because he is connected to this. She said that due to further things that this backstabber has done, her new man has now wiped his hands of this woman. So therefore is not now likely to go back to her at all.
My ex-girlfriend does seem to genuinely like this new man, and he seems like an okay guy - but I don't know him personally so can't really comment on what he is like. I don't really know if they love each other or not anymore. I get the impression that she likes him more the more she talks to him.
She told me that her new man had mentioned to her that he'd like to meet me sometime - I'm not entirely sure he knows the full situation between myself and my ex-girlfriend. He at least knows that I am her best friend though. I certainly don't think he understands how I feel about her.
My ex said, 'Don't worry, I told him I think that would be a bad idea.'. I said to her that she'd be right. I explained that if her and I arrange to meet that I want it to just be her and I. I am not ready to meet any new boyfriend of hers. She asked, half jokingly, if I would hit him if he was to come with her. I said no, but it would make me feel very, very uncomfortable. She said that was ok - she wouldn't do that to me.
I hope and wish that this relationship with her new man ends soon. But that is something I feel that I have to keep from her. It might last longer than I would like. I just have to hope that one day she will chose me over him and over anyone else.
In my advantage are the following factors:
* I live a lot closer to her than he does,
* She already knows me very well and I know her very well - we are best friends after all,
* I am most likely to see her again before he does.
Against my favour is that, at the moment, he is her boyfriend. Although they haven't actually been out since her asked her out, that is how she sees him.
I offered to take her out for the night next Friday to give her a break from the headache of the whole moving situation. She accepted, but said it depends on what money she has to go out with. She said we can discuss it further when I phone her again on Sunday.
It will just be 2 friends going out together, it won't be a date.
I think I am going to find it very tough. This other man is a lot more in the picture now than I had originally realised - even though they have not seen each other since the weekend he asked her out. I don't know how I am going to deal with this.
Things are still very much one step at a time, and I guess I will have a better idea of things after we have seen each other again - but it's still very difficult for me.
I love her and don't want to lose her from my life - she is still my best friend if nothing else. But I would like so very much for her to be my girlfriend again. I think I am more scared of what might happen if her and her new man get closer if they manage to meet up either before I next meet up with her, or in between the 1st and 2nd times.
I think this is just something I am going to have to deal with if it happens.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're right, I am not finding this very easy at the moment - but I am staying possitive and just concerntrating on showing her that even though we haven't physically seen each other since late March that I am still here for her.Funny you should mention decorating, as she is moving out of her flat very soon to a bigger flat near by with a garden (for the children to play in). I have already offered to help her move and to help her decorate the place - she said she should be alright regarding moving as her dad is going to help her with that, but said she would let me know when she gets round to decorating.I was going to get her flowers for Valentine's Day till she told me she was allergic to flowers (I myself get hayfever in the summer, so appreciated that). I ended up getting her something that probably no other woman would think was a good Valentine's gift - I got her a DVD of a well known American cartoon series that is similar to the Simpsons, but not the Simpsons - she loved it and said it was the best Valentine's gift ever!Any gift I got her would be along the lines of something I know she would enjoy - or something I know her two little girls would enjoy.I love her children. I think they are great kids and I had the joy of having some good days out with her and her kids back in February. I also babysat her youngest a couple of times while she went to pick the oldest one up from school and run a few eronds.We talked only the night about the possibilty of me spending another day with her and her little ones during the next school holidays - and me taking the 3 of them out for the day to the Zoo or somewhere the kids would enjoy. The youngest likes animals a lot.Last night we got texting one another. She was telling me about all the packing she is doing for her move in 3 weeks time. I asked her if she would like to come and have a night out with me once she has moved in and settled. She said she'd love to! I just said let me know when would be good once you have moved in and we can arrange something. She said I was a very good friend to her. Which put a big smile on my face.I am still taking everything one small step at a time. Until we next see each other it's hard to say or even think about what could happen beyond that.She has shown an interest in going out for a meal and doing something fun with me - as friends.I am showing an interest in what is going on in her life at the moment, as well as her children.I just think it's going to take time, but I feel more possitive know that things will be really good again between us. She needs to work out what she really wants. Although I am obviously biased, I do feel that what ever she and this other man has is not love and therefore will not last. If she chose to be with me again, it would be forever - but I she needs to think about this herself. I can't force her to do or say anything.Thank you for your help. I will continue to post as things develop. It's nice to receive such good words of encouragement.
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reader, Country Woman +, writes (19 May 2006):
Well done you!!
Can't be easy when you like this girl so much but you do sound like you are being a true friend and every woman appreciates that.
If she needs a man around the house like helping to do any work/decorating then offer!! Always things like that get forgotten and the odd bunch of flowers like Freezias or something which smell wonderful or even a cheap bunch of carnations as you are buying them to cheer her up so nothing more sinister than that if she asks.
If she has children and you get on well with them then a colouring book or something - depending on their ages so that she can see that you are not just interested in her but her children as well.
Seems to me like this new relationship is pretty much a non starter already as he has said he loves this backstabber etc.
You are doing everything right so keep doing the same and keep me posted eh!!
BFN
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your advice Country Woman. I was thinking along those lines, but I just wasn't sure.Our phone conversations since she told me about this other man a week ago have all been possitive. I have avoided dwelling on asking her 'Why?' and things like that, and concerntrated on asking her about herself, her day, things that I know she has coming up in the near future, her children, and other interests. We have talked about the possibility of meeting up once she has some free time.She is very busy with a lot on her plate at the moment. She has not actually seen this new man since the weekend they got together and she has told me that nothing much has happened - But they have been talking to each other a lot. He also lives a lot further away from her than I do.Like I said before, she herself has told me she is unsure about this man - but says she likes him. He likes her but apparently still loves someone else (a mutual friend that all 3 of us shared that turned out to be a backstabber to all 3 of us - won't get into that here). At least, 2 days before he asked her out he told her that he loved this mutual-friend/backstabber person.I don't want to see her get hurt. She has been through enough this year already. She says she is keeping her wits about her and is not in the mood to let ANY man get too close to her at the moment.I am avoiding pressuring her in anyway to do anything or tell me anything. Apart from a heavy conversation last night, that was more about how this backstabber friend's recent behaviour, I am trying to keep it strictly light-hearted and friendly, and just trying to go with the flow at the moment - but at the same time letting her know I am still here and haven't gone anywhere if she ever needs me.I think that's all I can do. Just wait it out and see if everything comes good if I just be a caring friend to her.
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reader, Country Woman +, writes (18 May 2006):
I personally think that your ex is still trying to find her feet and I wouldn't get too worried about this new man in her life, you have remained a true friend to her and have been there for her so she can trust you, this new guy has not been around very long and so all of that is not in place right now.
I realise it must be very hard for you considering that you still have strong feelings for this girl but if you back off do you think that you will ever regain what you have right now. Do you want this girl as a friend or more?
If you want more then stay friendly and show her how much fun you can be and some of the times that you were with her during your relationship may flood back. It ain't over till the fat lady sings!!! Agggghhhhh sorry bad joke there but you know what I am saying.
You shouldn't give up hope just cos a new girl is around as this girl is still getting over all the other issues and you being supportive is probably the only permanent factor in her life right now.
It won't be easy but keep things light hearted and have fun around her and don't pressure her too much at the moment. If she understands that you still like her then things could potentially progress but if not then you will always have a very good friend by the sounds of things.
Time is what counts here so go with the flow is my recommendation.
Hope the above helps in some small way.
BFN
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