A
female
age
51-59,
*olliehocks
writes:I discovered my husband was using chat lines for sexual reasons. He was chatting to various women about sex and looking at their photos. He even bought a webcam! I know this side of things was pure fantasy (I've asked advice from male colleagues) but I found out he struck up a friendship with one girl in particular. I found out about it and we had a huge row. He promised me he wouldn't contact her again, but then I found out that this online relationship progressed to phone calls and text messages. I confronted him again and of course we had another huge row. He told me he would never leave me and loves me to bits and he assured me he only sees this girl as a friend. I contacted her and told her I knew what was going on and asked her not to contact him again. We've had numerous rows about it over the months and I am still unable to trust him, I feel really bad that I am paranoid and look for things to prove that it is still going on.I want our marriage to work. I have always been terribly insecure but I am finding this particularly difficult to deal with, I don't seem able to be natural with him any more, especially when it comes to making love. I was beginning to be more adventurous in the bedroom but now I feel I can't be anymore, I'm afraid he will laugh at me. He has had erectile dysfunction for over a year now and has been prescribed pills, I was always supportive of his worries and understood and believed him when he said it wasn't me that didn't turn him on, but just last week our lovemaking was unsuccesful and I did suggest that perhaps it was me that he didn't find attractive. He got angry and we had another row. How do I start to trust my husband again? Or how do I start to put all this to the back of my mind? It doesn't help that the girl is very young and slim....I've had three kids (one to my husband) and am not as 'pert' and flawless as I imagine she is. I used to enjoy feeling sexy for him but now I'm scared to.
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female
reader, Holliehocks +, writes (10 August 2011):
Holliehocks is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for the replies, I have listened to what you have said. At the moment leaving my husband does not seem like an option, this is my second marriage and I know I didn't work very hard at keeping the first one going (I didn't fancy my first husband which made it harder to work for). I thought about giving him things he has to do to earn my trust again, but I can't think of anything, all I want is reassurance, I've asked for this and it worked in the short term but then he slipped back into carrying on as if nothing has happened. When I say anything he tells me he doesn't know how he can reassure me. He knows he's hurt me badly, doesn't want to lose me but doesn't know how to go about putting things right.
I know he hasn't cheated on me physically but it still feels like a betrayal. Learning to love myself has always been an issue.....as I was taught not to be arrogant or 'blow one's own trumpet!' I was going to say I'm not scared of him leaving me, but I guess I am, because I love him. He's a weak man.
Thanks again everyone
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (10 August 2011):
 1. "I feel really bad that I am paranoid and look for things to prove that it is still going on."
This is plain silly! Clearly your self-esteem has gone down the drain completely, if you think you're the one at fault. You SHOULD be paranoid and mistrustful because of what your husband has put you through. He lied to you MULTIPLE times; what normal, sane person would ever trust under those circumstances again?
Secondly, you probably shouldn't be having sex with him. How can you feel great or expect great, or even a decent decent sex life when you don't trust and resent him? You need to grow a pair or balls and quit being this passive, insecure, self-victimizing woman. You're the one that has been screwed over, yet here you are internalizing and finding faults within yourself instead of your scumbag husband.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): your hb has not kept to his promises. he will cheat again, until he is caught.
hun, you need to build your self esteem and be proud of having 3 kids. no all of us can be slim and trim BUT we can be happy with our own imagine.
you need to love yourself enough and not be soooo fearful that he will leave you.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 August 2011):
 This is not so much a trust issue as his erectile dysfunction.
Him being angry is a way to stop you from confronting issues and to gain authority over you. You are real in his life and you know his problems. Those online people don't and he needs his outlet to express his sexuality, he wants to be desired and feel young again. It is as if through fantasy talk he hopes that would take away his real life problem. He hopes through sweet talk with strangers he can become confident again and get hard again, but in reality it hasn't. I doubt he physically cheated on you. You said you are not as flawless as she is, implying that you still look okay. Do something nice to yourself so you feel sexy by yourself.
I know it can be hard to talk to him but somehow you have to tell him how much it hurts you for him to keep talking to young girls. Focus on your feelings and less on analyzing him. Be supportive of him as a husband but at the same time think about yourself and be selfish. You are still young, sex is important, and you deserve that kind of passion in life. I am not suggesting anything here obviously.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (10 August 2011):
 Trust is a blessing that has to be earned-looks like he threw it away for now and will have to either re-earn it or go away. I'd give him alist of things he must do before he's allowed back into your 'trust zone" then give him a month to see how well he does. OR you could always try the proffesional counciling avenue($$$$).Good luck
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