A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been together 2.5 years, married for 8 months, have an 18 month old child and now expecting our next child, I am 11 weeks pregnant and very much planned/wanted.Our relationship, once the gloss disappeared has been somewhat of a "battle" between us - I didn't realise that my husband was so bossy and bullying, he has to have the last say on everything and has no time for sentiment or emotion.I have posted lots of concerns on here about our lack of sex life, on his part, not mine and his constant moaning of being tired or always too busy for me yet maintains all his hobbies, friends, socialising etc. It causes me a great deal of hurt and upset which he just turns a blind eye to, he believes everything is fine and that I should stop moaning. I am a full time Mum now, he creates so much mess but expects me to pick up after him - I am fed up of this now so won't do it, needless to say the house is a pigsty, it depresses me deeply but I need to stand up for myself and make sure our child doesn't think he can carry on like this and his Mum pick up after him. This is just some background so you can perhaps understand my feelings.My husband fusses over our child's weight - always stuffing him with biscuits and constant nibbles throughout the day as he thinks he is too thin. Not long after he was born, he yelled at me, with my baby in my arms, saying he wasn't weighty enough - I was scared at how he shouted at me, especially infront of our newborn. Despite me taking our child to the clinic frequently for weight checks (they were very happy with his weight), my husband didn't believe me and finally I told him to come with me, he did, he made out he was as nice as pie to the doctors who reassured him there was nothing wrong with our child.Recently, our child has had a stomach bug so not eaten as much as usual. Whilst I was waiting for my midwife to visit me yesterday (for my first appointment which should be joyous) my husband started up from no-where that our son was too low in weight. He screamed into my face, I was so taken aback that I pushed him away from me, with this, he grabbed the back of my hair from underneath and pulled it as hard as he could pushing my head back and forwards whilst shouting at me that I did not care about our son and that he will fight me for him. I have to say I was terrified, my stomach was lurching and all I could think about was the effect this was having on our unborn child, I was just a mass of jelly sobbing in disbelief. The back of my neck, from all the pulling of my hair, is in such pain. He just walked off, shouting that I would not listen about our child and he intended to speak to the midwife on her visit. By the time I had pulled myself together, the midwife arrived, she must have seen my face was all puffed out but luckily didn't ask anything. My husband just hid in his den and when I asked him to come out and ask the midwife anything, he just said hi to her and not another word.I feel so angry that he feels he can do this to me and get away with it. Not another word has been said but I cannot bear to be with him, I have lost whatever love was there for him now, all I want to do is take my son and live somewhere peaceful away from him.But that is easier said than done isn't it - I do not have a job now and am pregnant again so hardly on the top of the list for getting a job. I do not have any money to get child-care or indeed to pay a counsellor to help me. My husband, who hides his money from me, has made it very clear that I will be on my own financially because he feels I don't have a case against him - we haven't been married long enough and it is me that wants to go, not him. All he is worried about is that his cleaner, cook, child-carer will be gone and that he won't do it himself.I do not have any family nearby and my friends are all new, made through baby groups, so I feel I don't really know them well enough to be able to count on support.I am not afraid to be on my own, I am afraid that financially I will struggle and that because my husband is financially sound, will win over the children in the future. I would love to move away from the area but also realise that our son does need his dad and it is not for me to make that decision for him whilst he is so young, he can choose, if need be, when he is older.Where do I start with all this? How do I stand with getting a divorce so early into our marriage? How do I manage financially when my husband is so awkward? I am sure someone will say forgive him and move on, for the sake of the children, how can you forgive a man who does that to a woman, let alone when she is pregnant? He is not even sorry, he will just do it again thinking he has control over me - I just cannot put myself through this any longer, it is just the end of a long line of unhappiness knowing that I married the wrong man.If anyone can help me positively, I would be so grateful. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008): Hi thereMy husband also used to hurt me and his favourite was to pull the back of my hair underneath and try to lift me up with it which is unbelievably painful. He used to come out of nowhere and creep up behind me and just go for me. It was terrifying and I feel for you as I understand exactly what you are going through. I too did not work so was reliant on him financially. My husband hated me so much that one day he just went leaving me and the children. He filed for divorce against me. He did not get the children and now has to pay me maintenance and money for the children. It took about 3 months for the money to come through and it was very hard I had to put everyting on a barclaycard and I am still paying it off. My ex husband never speaks to me or comes near me - it is as if he has died. I think about him a lot. I know the thought of leaving is terrifying and as you are having a baby if you can stand it, I would stay put as at least you will have your home comforts around you. Women who go to shelters are very very strong women and I was not capable of doing that at the time. If he is a drinker be very careful as sometimes they just flip. If you can make no moves until the new baby is born and then if things don't improve go back to your family or someone else who will help I hope things improve for you,
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (30 March 2008):
 In your divorce, the courts will most probably grant you
custody of the child and he will have to pay you, wife and child maintenance.
If he is truly sorry , you may try to mend back this relationship.
If he continues to be abusive, you need to move out for your safety.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (30 March 2008):
 A lot of different issues here.
First off, finances. The UK has social programs to help people with no income and will provide for people in your situation. It won't be luxury, but countless other single mothers have succesfully raised their kids this way. It ain't ideal, but worrying about the money is not an excuse.
Him getting the kids is unlikely. If courts awarded custody based on which parent has a job then men would win most custody battles. They do not.
Your kids needing a father, not one like this they don't. Kids need a stable loving home and good rolemodels. This home ain't stable or loving and he AND you make lousy rolemodels. Do you want your son to learn how to behave towards women from how his father acts towards you? Where do you think your husband learned to behave like this? Check how his parents act.
This situation is domestic abuse, emtional abuse right now and now physical abuse is starting as well. Both are plenty of grounds for a divorce.
Start informing yourselve of your options, have a talk with social services or find a "victims of domestic violence" support group near you. Once you start educating yourselve you hopefully will realize that getting out is better then staying, not just for you, but for your kids.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008): Your husband physically assaulted you. I realize you are in the UK, and I live in a different country, but I would presume that could be elevated immediately to a police matter. Is there some women's shelter or network you could talk to.
Your husband in my opinion, will not get better, but worse. I would not call that awkward behaviour, I would call it criminal behaviour.
Sorry, can't answer your financial questions, but ask yourself one question right now-can you see yourself living with this man for the next 10 years, never mind the rest of your life. If your answer is no, then you know what you need to do.
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