A
female
age
51-59,
*amgal
writes:My family and another family have been close friends for years. The men are great friends, the kids are great friends, and the other woman and I get along very well. We go on vacations together a couple times a year. The problem is I've fallen in love with the other man. I love my husband, but this man is the one I find myself thinking about all the time. When we go away, he and I tend to enjoy the same activities, so we do a lot of things together. I never feel so alive as I do when I am with him. It has never crossed the line, and it never will. Other than cutting ties with this family, which isn't an option, how do I shut off my feelings? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2007): Hi
You said you cant shut this person and others from your life as they and you are all a big part of each other and you wont hurt them or yourself. You have answered that part yourself.
The other guy, the intense feelings you have for him are they lustful? if so, you will need to decide what you are going to do. Perhaps have a plan in place, if those feelings get out of hand......Walk away ..... Lust is good at the time but without commitment you may end up feeling used and have thrown away something even more precious, beautiful friendships for broken hearts. You haven't denied how you feel and concerned enough to look for advice. Hope you find the advice that is right for you.Choose wisely. If your husband isn't turning you on at least give him the choice to make changes .Good luck hope I helped in some way
A
female
reader, Gamgal +, writes (12 November 2007):
Gamgal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Slickspurs. I don't mind your "lecture" at all. I've lectured many people myself. Never thought I would be in this kind of situation. I had one friend who had an affair with a co-worker. She told me I just don't understand what it's like with her husband. She didn't feel the excitement anymore like she used to. I told her of course I understand. After you've been married for many years, the love changes. I know that. This man, I'll call him Mark, does give me an excitement that I've never felt. It's different than the kind I had with my husband. I've know Mark for 8 years now, so this isn't a crush that I've just developed. I do find him attractive physically, but it's his personality that is the most attractive. I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish I could just tell myself these feelings are wrong and ignore them. The only thing I can do is make sure I never act on them. You asked if he felt the same way. I think he does. I'm sure he enjoys spending time with me as much as I do with him. I think he probably finds me attractive, but we have never discussed this, and never will. His family means everything to him, and my family means everything to me.
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A
female
reader, Gamgal +, writes (9 November 2007):
Gamgal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, just because you enjoy the same things, doesn't mean he wants an affair - so you could end up wrecking your marriage, for someone who ultimately rejects you.
In response to what you said, I'm sure he doesn't want to have an affair, which is one thing that makes him more attractive to me, if that makes any sense! I don't want to have an affair either! I couldn't live with myself if I did that to my family or his family. As far as staying away from him, I really can't. Not only are they close friends to us, but they are our next door neighbors. I'm not unhappy with my marriage, and I understand that part of the reason I enjoy my time with this man is because we don't have the issues that married couples have. We never disagree on how to raise children, we don't have financial decisions to make together. That's part of why I enjoy our time together. It's different than the time I spend with my husband. I know I can continue my friendship with this man the way it is and never betray my husband physically, but I do feel that I am betraying him emotionally. Sometimes I actually feel that this friendship is a positive thing for my marriage. When we go away, this other man and I like to do activities our spouses don't. We like to do water sports and hiking and such, where my husband and his wife like to just relax. I enjoy the vacations that they go with us much more, not only because I spend time with him, but also because I get to do the things I like. So, we're all happy. It would be a perfect situation if only I didn't have such strong feelings for him! I do know that he enjoys spending time with me as well. He is a very good man though, and even if his feeling for me are more than just friendship, he would never let them go anywhere. Sorry to ramble on and on, but it is so good to finally share my feelings. I would never share this with anyone I know. I guess I feel as long as I'm the only one who knows how I feel, nobody will get hurt. I just want to end with I do love my husband. It's a different kind of love. More like a comfortable kind of love. I do try very hard to keep, or maybe get back the excitement that we used to have. I've planned a suprise cruise for just the 2 of us this winter. I so wanted to invite the other couple, but I know that would be wrong. I just have to make the right decisions. I know that is the right thing to do, and what I want to do.
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A
male
reader, slickspurs  +, writes (9 November 2007):
 Hi Gamgal, hope your well.
Ask yourself what it is about this other man that you like exactly. Is it physical, or psychological? Why is he so different to your husband? Do you think the other guy feels the same way about you? If so why? Is it because you share more similar interests with him then you do with your husband? But saying this, i know and you know that being in "love" is not as simple as A-Z. My mate Dave broke up with his fiancee of 3 years 6 months ago, and he still cries about her on the phone to me till this day. I ask him why he loves her and his reply "I really don't know mate" .... Thats love for you eh ....
Spend too much time with someone and it doesn't matter how much you love them, you will eventually end up driving each other up the wall - a lesson of life. So with this in mind, is it not possible that a lot of your feelings towards your husband(remember the beginning) have decreased because you have spent too much time with him? Nothing really excites you with him as it did before as you know pretty much everything about him. As with this other guy you do not. You see him less, and when you do you see this "dream dude" whom excites you dearly. Don't be suprised if his wife feels the same about another guy lol.
Obviously there may be more to your feelings then my anology above and only you yourself can analyze it occordingly. If your looking for a way to hide or get rid of these feelings it ain't gonna happen, cos love is like air - hard to get rid off eh! Perhaps if you engage yourself with other activities, take up hobbies, socialise etc then maybe just maybe you may end up loving yourself more then this dude =)=)
Sorry i do like to give a lecture lol!! Hope i helped a little! Goooood luck =)
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A
female
reader, lemontree +, writes (9 November 2007):
I wish I knew the answer to this. In some ways this is the problem with marriage. You think you have met the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, and then a few years down the line you stumble across someone else, and start to have feeligs you can't control. You know you can't do anything about it, because there are too many hearts that could get broken. Also, just because you enjoy the same things, doesn't mean he wants an affair - so you could end up wrecking your marriage, for someone who ultimately rejects you. Personally, I think if you see danger up ahead, you should avoid it. I know you don't want to break of contact with this family, but if you don't see this man, the feelings you have will eventually disappear -although it will be painful for a while. What is certain is that you can't just switch off feelings.
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A
female
reader, Gamgal +, writes (9 November 2007):
Gamgal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response. I think you misunderstood what I said in my original post. Cutting ties with this family is not an option. They are wonderful people. Our kids are good friends, and all of the adults are good friends, so I would never do that to my family. I agree with what you said about spending quality time with my husband, and we do. We have a lot of activities we do together, and I enjoy them.I do love my husband, but there is just something about this other man that excites me. I truly think I've fallen in love with him, in a different way than I love my husband, if that's possible. I don't know if you can love two men at the same time. I would never act on those feelings, or ever discuss them with him, or anyone! That's why I thought this site would be good. It is a way for me to express how I'm feeling, and hopefully get some good advice, but never hurt my family or his! I do feel very guilty about having these feelings.
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A
male
reader, slickspurs +, writes (8 November 2007):
Its one of life's teasers isn't it ..
The thing is, the most common solution around nowadays is to run away from the problems and do the selfish thing which is good for us. Its obviously the wrong thing to do because you could hurt a lot of people around you. You say you want to "cut ties with the family" but i do not see how that is the answer? Yourself and your family are obviously close to them and blocking them out of your lives is simply not an option - surely?
No marriage will work if there is no communication there. If you don't talk, share your feelings, do things together etc etc then what's the point to your marriage? To even write this article suggests to me that you and your other half do not seem to do this as often as you should. Perhaps it has been so long since you and your husband spent "quality time" together like you do with this other man that you feel like a lost soul.
Obviously i don't know anything about your marriage, but to me it sounds like a simple case of miscommunication. Talk to your husband - Remember with him how you both were when you first got together - Reignite that spark - spend time together - do things you both enjoy - go out just the two of you and have fun!!!! Im sure soon enough this so-called crush of yours will be a distant memory.
Sorry for the lecture lol i guess im in one of those moods.
Gooood luck =)
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