A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I mistakenly had an affair with a colleague that lasted half a year. We became extremely close but I ended things with him because I wanted more and knew it would be an emotional dead end and the whole act was beating me up inside.Now this man and I barely speak at work anymore (we BOTH do not show one another any attention but catch eye from time to time.) We have to sit within four seats so it's inevitable that he will be in front of my face all day, every day and we have many mutual friends within the office.a) How can I show this guy that I'm not hurting inside and that I'm not affected at all by the whole saga?b) How do you move forward with your head held high?Married men... please help me! What would make you burn in this situation?
View related questions:
affair, at work, married man Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand. Need not worry, I won't be bothering anyone on this site anymore.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (30 April 2009):
 I find it so facinating that the OW's who write in are always trying to get us to focus on their pain, rarely do they mention the betrayed wife. You are not the innocent party in this scenario. By allowing yourself to become involved with a married man you were indeed being deceitful. Hopefully you have learned from it. So dust yourself off and move on, but you get no sympathy from me, it all goes to the wife.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am not deceitful. I came seeking here help because it's not something I felt like discussing with people in MY or HIS life. I have not said one bad word about this man and have refrained from any details. I briefly mentioned to 2 people that whatever was going on had now ended as it was clear I was an emotional wreck at work.
Why are people so unforgiving? I live alone in a large city with my friends and family thousands of miles away and when someone invests time in showing you emotional closeness and affection, naturally are going to respond. NO ONE enters an affair to be malicious, they enter an affair because something is severely lacking in their lives and at that moment they clearly lack moral judgement. Whilst I don't disagree with some things said, I definitely feel the harshness of your words. Obviously, I am feeling lost, alone and out of touch with reality. When you're in the midst of something I like this it's extremely difficult to see things logically. I am hurting so much and being scolded has made me feel like a piece of shit.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 April 2009):
Hear, hear! Apparently she will keep posting this until she gets it just right.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): i have read all 3 of your postings, perhaps you should UPDATE us, instead of deliberately creating the impression that you are different person “seeking support, insight and understanding”. If I am correct your postings are:
Help getting over work affair that I ended.. 28 April
Do married men stop thinking about the other woman? 28 April
How do I show this married man I'm over the affair? 29 April
Please do not take us as fools, just be honest that you are the same person, just posting different posts.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): You posted yesterday 28/04/2009, Do married men stop thinking about the other woman? And have followed up with this question. It would be only proper to make reference to the other post so that all can get the true situation. I read some contradictions in both postings. You lacked honesty in your personal life and also lacked honesty with your postings. You deliberately did not likn both posting. Why? What response are you trying to get? why were you deliberately deceitful.
What do you actually hope to achieve by showing this man that you are over your affair. Are you hoping to show him what he has missed out on/ or missing. Are you trying to show him that you have now moved on and that you are better off without him. Are you also trying to be conniving and hoping that he will return to you, now that you are no longer his mistress?
In your office environment, your colleagues have been made aware of your affair by you. I am certain they are soooooooo sympathetic towards you, the wronged person in this affair. I am certain your ex lover has been made a fool of, has been made to feel even more shit by the fact that you have told people about your affair. So, now it is an public ex affair. You deliberately choose to act like a victim here. Why is this so? You are not a victim. You indulged with this MM knowingly and you were not in the least concerned about him being married. You went into this affair with your eyes wide open, let’s not even discuss what else was open! I am certain you were both staying late at work to indulge in “sexual acts” after all your affair was conducted at work. Then you were not guilty, you part took freely and knowingly.
You are very very subtle, that I will grant you. Your married man is so lucky to be rid of you. Hell halt no fury like a woman scorned. Imagine this, your affair was conducted in private, now that it is over, you have chosen to make it public to a select few, to help you get over your affair. How long until the entire work force know that your married man is the shit you have made him out to be. Words, carefully and manipulatively chosen, may work for you for a while but then you will not get away for good.
I know you again only asked for married men’s comments, sadly I am not one of them but chose to give you insight into my own take on your situation. I can safely say I am not totally wrong.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response as well, I really appreciate your advice especially at a time when I feel so isolated.
As I mentioned below I am young and single. Your first line about "fake moving on" rings very true. I never really thought about it like that. By faking I'm over it I'm honestly taking ten steps backwards not forwards. Besides he knows how distraught I was about ending it that who in their right mind can be over something so intense in 7 days. I'm pretty dumb!
However, I am trying act unrealistically unaffected when really all I want to do is scream for help. Sometimes I just find myself staring at my computer screen, like my spirit is floating outside my body. He has definitely stolen something from within me. Can someone unknowingly awaken your inner spirit in disguise of ultimately stealing your soul?
I'm putting on a brave face and from what I can see he is acting as unaffected as I am or maybe he just doesn't care at all. Baring in mind this only ended a week ago. We work in quite a large corporate office but we have many mutual friends. Before we ended we were often apart of a group of about 6 girls and guys that went for lunch every day together so it makes things complicated. I have confided in two colleagues and they have been extremely supportive and are trying to make things as comfortable for me to be able to stay because I have been with the company for three years now. I just can't look at him without feeling a combination of hatred and gentleness. I hate that I can not be with him and how allowed myself to become so emotionally involved with someone at work (and married too!) and also I feel gentle because I still care about him and I just want to see how his day is going. I miss him smiling at me. And I know we can not give those signals to one another anymore. I miss him so much, I miss every bit of contact we had and I just don't know how I am going I'm genuinely going to be okay about what has happened.
xxx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Honey girl, you're much kinder than others. I am not married, in fact I am young and single. I live alone in my own apartment so it's become increasinlgy hard to come home and have to deal with these emotions alone, let alone at work. I am not in a position to leave jobs at the moment and when I expressed to some people at work of my desire to quit my job they begged me to stay so I don't want to let anyone down. I don't want to be running around trying to talk about new boyfriends etc in the new office. Should I continue to ignore him entirely?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (29 April 2009):
 Sweetie, start showing this man that you dont care for him anymore by moving on with your life. You need to either transfer to another section or find another job. If that is not an option, then make sure that your husband is encouraged to visit you at work, take you out for lunch etc.
I can see that you are hurting inside I can also see that you are wanting to know if he is hurting as well. Well, to be honest, he went back to his wife so he is probably only seeing you as a conquest, you were the bit of excitement at work, nothing more. Unfortuately, you are more emotionally attached to him and you need to direct your energy and attention towards your husband and improving your relationship with your husband.
It is not going to be easy, and I still suggest that you find another job away from this man. Having contact with him during the day will make it harder to forget him.
Honeygirl
...............................
A
female
reader, witch-fire  +, writes (29 April 2009):
 You could always start dating again. that might show him you've moved on.
...............................
|
