A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi everyone. no 'attacking' please . ive been with my boyfriend for a while now and we have discussed future plans what we both want i already have a teen son and my boyf has no kids . at the beginning i was all up for having another baby but ive been looking at things financially and to be honest we will be worse off .we dont live together but was looking at him moving in with me as he lives with his parents due to his past relationship ending 3 yrs ago and needing a roof over his head. He wants the wife and kids and i think hes looking at things through rose tinted glasses but its not all happy and easy . some people may think i am wrong but in a sense i am right for my position. he doesnt see we would be better off living separate i work and so does he but not top fantastic jobs therefore i would return part time while he stays full time (family would childmind for me) i have previous debt and if we lived together there would not be any money to pay this off (ive looked at other options to pay this off plus its my debt my responsibility ) , all money would be needed to pay basic living expenses nothing else we would actually be worse off we would be in the minus money range. he could come everyday to see us all, the relationship wouldnt end , a baby wouldnt notice we didnt live together for a couple of yrs while i clear my debt . if i was to have a baby i would need it to happen soon as im not young and have minor issues getting pregnant. how do i get him to understand if he wants a kid its best the way i say for a couple of yrs and then live together or what other option do i have ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2015): First of all there are different rules and help in each country so its not all black and white as people will think , in the uk you are entitled to certain financial help such as working tax , the more your income the less working tax you get . you can work full time but still have a very low income due to minimum wages and what companies are prepared to pay above the minimum wage if they dont have to. you have put you both have low paid jobs so im guessing you have reached the highest level you can in your work and going bk to college is even more costly so dont think this is an option. childcare is expensive so if that has to be paid out as well (sometimes family cant always help 24/7)it does mount up. i have been in your shoes and can understand where you are coming from i had to rely on help towards my rent as my income wasnt enough (working full time but minimum wage isnt enough ) when my boyfriend moved in i wasnt entitled to any help and he had to pay most of the rent due to other things i had to pay out i tried to make it work with me doing more around the house but it didnt work he accused me of using him for his money which i wasnt and yes it ended and im better off now on my own.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 September 2015):
 If you live together he pays half the living expenses. If you are married he can buy himself into the house and pay part of the mortgage too. I don't see how you come to the conclusion that living together would result in LESS money for you, when in fact it would save you money you could use to pay your debt.
Living together does not mean you need to have a baby together. But you're talking about having a baby and NOT live together? Then you have the added expenses of a child, and still have to pay your mortgage/rent all by yourself.
There's no logic in your thinking.
Please explain how on earth it saves you money to NOT live together, when your living costs would be cut in HALF if you did live together.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (23 September 2015):
 I was under the impression that two can live more cheaply than one, obviously I need to work on my math skills! :)
I think perhaps putting the numbers in black and white on a spread sheet might be useful, for him to grasp the financial reality you are try to convey to him.
Do several spread sheets showing the differences in finances over several years using the various scenarios you've described.
Maybe that will be enough for him to see that you've thought this all the way through.
My guess though is that he wants to be with the woman he loves and with his child. That's an emotional need or wish that may not respond well to cold hard cash facts. In other words, being very logical about this might not matter, as it's the feeling he's going for.
Has he offered to help you pay the debt? I know you are very aware it's your debt and your responsibility but that does seem to be the major stumbling block in things.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2015): The advice is meant to give you a different perspective on things so that hopefully you can look at problems in a different life.Some people answer in a cut and dried black and white way but we all know there are different shades of grey and one size does not suit all, so you the questioner must use your judgement skills in assessing how our replies are helpful or not...but here goes to your current problem: It seems to me that its a mix of financial and emotional, romantic and practical.You feel pressured by your age to produce a baby rather late in the day and yes, it has been known to happen but in no way is it inevitable.Now the baby hasnt arrived yet or indeed the pregnancy so i would assume that this is a minor pressure other than trying which should be an enjoyable experience for both of you and could keep you preoccupied till menopause.I dont think a baby is essential to seal a relationship and you might as well take this on board to lessen the baby stress but hey keep on trying.Similarly living together doesnt always enhance it ,particularly when their are others to consider as i have known people conduct successful and meaningful relationships from separate dwellings but it usually means that you have to spend three or so nights apart whch you should be capable of.Finally the debts!I dont know how pressured you are by them but dont allow them to destroy your soul.If you declared yourself bankrupt then six years later you are debt free!If you pay x amount for 105 years you would probably never be debt free!Time for you to investigate the statute of limitations to assess your legal indebtedness or in laymans terms just go and see an advisor or accountant.I know i didnt answer your question directly but i havent got a coin to toss right now!
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (23 September 2015):
 Your boyfriend sounds like a dunce to me. I wouldn't try to convince him of anything other than a seperation.
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