A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I cannot shake the lust I feel for a coworker. He is married and so am I. It's definitely reciprocated - we flirt all the time and have almost let things get out of control while away on business. I love my husband (of 20 years) and a big part of me wants this to stop but there is a small part of me that really enjoys it. It's flattering and exciting, but I know it's going to end badly for everyone if it doesn't stop. So my question is - how do I put an end to this? I am forced to work with this guy and cannot just stop seeing him. I cannot stop the attraction I feel (believe me I have tried to for months). Should I talk to him? Or should I try to just pretend that there is nothing there and be as formal as possible at work? What is the best way out of this? It's killing me. I think about it all the time. Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): Sounds like my former and current bosses. They talk down and disrespect their husband/live in boyfriend all the time during work hours. They are always pointing out cute/hot YOUNGER guys in the office and throwing themselves at these guys. I find it disgusting and unprofessional and the guys are petrified of these ladies. I just sit back and laugh.It's funny because I don't know why the husband/live in boyfriend even bother staying in a relationship with these ladies. My point is: if you are married, don't flirt with anybody. If you do you are playing with fire. Be professional at your workplace. Respect yourself and your husband. There are always temptations but you need to have some self control.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011): Thank you all. Especially the anonymous poster who has actually been through this. Your advice has hit home. For the rest, I appreciate the raw honesty. It is easy to judge if you have not experienced this type of thing for yourself. I used to think that it was only weak selfish immoral people who would let themselves be in this type of situation, but now that it has actually happened to me I have a much different view of things. I did not seek these feelings out and I am not unhappy in my marriage - quite the opposite. In the 21 years I have known my husband I have never before felt an attraction like this with anyone else so believe me it was a total surprise. Thank you again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): I think you should seek a very serious counselling and if not if you believe in what is called magic i think that is ok.Just to enable you get off this man in your work and face your husband and if you think you are finding it difficult like i said earlier cast a spell on him so you can stop thinking about the man at your work
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): Was in this boat myself. Fortunately for both of us, he cut contact. At first it really hurt. I was completely devastated and I went through all the phases of a broken heart but after a few months, I can finally say I am over him. I know the lust is strong. All I thought about was being with him physically and not wanting to be with my husband. The high takes over rational thought. Of course it feels good and of course it builds your ego and self esteem. But in time the lust does fade. I never thought it possible for me but the only reason it happened was that there was no more contact. If we see each other to this day, the attraction is still there and will probably always be there. But we have both realized that even though it is there, that it stops there. Neither of us is willing to place our marriages at risk so we have made a conscious decision to stop flirting, stop interacting and stop seeing each other altogether.I truly believe that drawing boundaries and staying away from each other as much as possible is the only way. I think that if it keeps going this way, an opportunity will present itself where you can no longer resist temptation. You almost slept together once. If you went through with it I am sure you would both regret it. You will ruin two marriages and two families for temporary passion. The passion fades for all of us eventually, especially in long term relationships. You need to find that spark with your husband again. Not worth it. You have to look at the big picture and do the right thing. I know, doing the right thing is often the hardest thing to do and it sucks. But you really have no choice because you are both married and committed to your families. If you were single, it might be a different story but neither of you is available. You must remember this.It is difficult for you because you work together and go away for business together. The only way is no contact and this will mean changing jobs. If you want to keep your marriage intact, this is the only way. Working together is only going to fuel your attraction and bring it to a breaking point. There are some huge red flags surrounding the two of you already. If you must work together, then it will take one of you to think rationally about this and take the lead in how you act. This would be you. He is only flirting with you because you are showing him attention and allowing this to happen. If you stay away from him or turn it down a few knotches, he will soon get the hint and back away or find someone else to play with. You don't owe him an explanation as to why you are distancing yourself. If he asks, then you can tell him because you value your marriage and do not feel it is appropriate to be this friendly and flirtatious with him given the circumstances you are both married.Bottom line: Step away. Distance yourself. Limit the time you spend with him and absolutely no travel together. He will soon get the hint.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 December 2011):
 How do you end it? you just be a grown up and STOP.
do you do drugs? why not?
do you smoke cigarettes why not?
do you lie, steal, cheat?
WHY NOT?
would you want your children to know what you are doing? WHY NOT?
you are NOT a lower functioning animal. YOU have the ability to JUST SAY NO...
yes the thrill of someone new being interested in you is fun and exciting...
if you love your husband you need to just let it go. is this WORTH risking your self respect, your husband's trust, your kids respect?
is what MIGHT be fun for a bit WORTH the risk of ruining what you've built over the last 20 years?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): Seek counselling. You have unresolved issues and are using sex as a means to distract you from said issues.
Also, time to confess to Husband. Be accountable for your decision and actions and this will also help you to 'stop the attraction'.
You can make excuses all you want but in the end, you did a foolish thing.
If you are THAT UNHAPPY in your marriage- an unfair wasn't the solution.
Own up and account for your actions. Clean up the mess that is your life, seek counselling to address your behaviours.
Learn, Heal, Recover and the impulses of selfishness, shortsightedness will abate.
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