A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, I need some advice. Have any of you ever dealt with a true narcissist? My sister is one.She's made my life a living hell for the 8 years I lived with her, before I left home. She would always be in my parent's ears, whining about me, criticizing everything I do. There’d be complete overreactions to minor things. I would be expected to look at the ground when my sister walked in the room, otherwise she'd complain I looked at her the wrong way and my parents would verbally attack me for “being an instigator”. I wasn't allowed to have a shower after 8pm. My sister is an insomniac and she would rage about how selfish I was and that it was because of me that she couldn't sleep. My parents would blame me for making their lives harder. You get the picture.I've lived away from home for many years now, but the abuse, sometimes physical, from my sister, that I suffered there remains fresh in my memory. I frequently have nightmares that she’s going to kill me and I’m running for my life, terrified.I live with a wonderful man who supported me through this the entire time, who, because we were always around each other, has seen these nasty family fights. They tended to forget he was even there and let their guard down around him. It’s great to actually have a witness. Even typing this it sounds like it’s too crazy to have actually all happened. I remained at home for so many years because I was afraid if I left, my mum and my sister, (my mum was VERY easily manipulated by her) would turn on my father and I knew he couldn't cope. I thought, if he received what I did, (even though he treated me terribly because it kept them off HIS back) all of this on HIM might actually kill him.When I did leave home, after getting to a point where I was so anxious, I decided I had to take care of myself, I did try, not right away, but after a couple of months, to salvage some kind of relationship with my parents. I thought things may be different out of that toxic house.Currently, my mother is not speaking to me because I never bought her a present for mothers’ day. We are quite low on money at the moment, so we need to be careful. My mum knows this. I had offered to cook her a beautiful meal but she's on some restrictive diet and believes by my asking her for dinner, that I'm trying to sabotage her diet and progress and I'm not supporting her. She has avoided speaking to me for a week now. I feel hurt, after everything I've been through, to be treated this way over something so petty. I'm not a materialistic person. I don’t believe mothers’ day is about spending MONEY. She does and so does my sister. I just KNOW my sister is in her ear, telling her I don't care, that I'm a terrible daughter. Since leaving home, the dynamic has changed. Basically, my sister still lives with my parents, probably will forever, and constantly runs me down, criticizes everything I say and do. My dad tends to stay neutral and consistently speaks to me, but with my mother, I go from the support person, where she turns up at my house in tears weekly about how she cannot live with my sister and her rages and paranoia anymore. I support her through all this. I listen to her. Then, without any indication as to why, my mum will then start avoiding me and going cold on me for weeks at a time and I’m left helplessly to wonder what my sister has said about me that’s convinced my mother I don’t care about her.I hate being pulled in and pushed out ALL THE TIME. How do I set boundaries? What can I do about this? It seems impossible to have a normal relationship with my parents as long as my sister is, well, ALIVE. I try everything to keep out of any dramas and to be a supportive daughter and then I become the outlet for the family's anger and tension yet again. Why does my sister need to put me down all the time? I leave her to live her life. Why is she absolutely intent on proving to my parents that I'm a useless daughter? I know she's involved because, as an example for you, I received horribly worded text messages from her about not buying my mother a gift. Why does my mother allow her to do this when I consider myself to be the forgiving, tolerant daughter she just doesn’t deserve? This hurts me so much :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2016): I completely agree with the comment about the narcissistic mother problem and I do feel for you.You will never have a normal and healthy relationship with them (it has nothing to do with your sister, she's a consequence). The sooner you accept that the better. The sooner you stop trying to achieve impossible the sooner you will be free.It's not selfish if you remain focused on your own life. Trust me, even if you had bought her a gift it wouldn't have been enough. She would either criticize your gift or find another reason altogether.Its' hard to say and even more to hear this - but they bond over criticizing you. Count yourself lucky that you haven't picked up that nasty habit.My husband played the role of a scapegoat in his family (complicated story). The moment he stopped trying to please them (because he reached the point where there was nothing anymore, he was soooo empty!) he naturally drifted away. He still sees them on an occasion but he's firm and doesn't let them get to him. He hasn't seen his father in almost 6 years. His father has never tried contacting him. And my husband has decided not to stay in that toxic relationship. He hasn't closed the door if one day his father decides to talk honestly, but he will not accept anything less.However, unfortunately my husband picked up their habit of criticizing people and nourishing certain negative thoughts. He's fighting this but it's hard.Even if they are your family they have right to treat you that way. If you need to, cut contact for as long as you feel like it. Remember, your sister is just a consequence of your parents' (mother's) behavior. Okay, she is profiting from it, but she was raised that way. The best thing is to accept the situation and focus on yourself. You have always been and will always be in their eyes a bad daughter and a bad sister. They need you to be like that. Don't waste any more energy and time on them...You'll make it. Trust me. I know other people who have. Just stop playing the game they want you to play. You'll lose every time.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2016): I think it's your mother who is the narcissistic. She is controlling this. Your sister is the golden child...heavily invested in her role and you are the scapegoat. First off stop consoling your mother each week. Your father (who is enabling your mother's behaviour) can look after himself. Stop giving ANY of them your energy. You need to get busy. Busy not being around them or for them. There are lots of great books on setting boundaries and spending time with 'safe' people. I've had a similar situation to you and removed myself from it. Now I keep low contact (I dont speak to my sister) and keep conversations to a minimum. I found a counsellor who has helped me find strength in myself again. I've learned to focus on me and not their drama it has alowed me to make progress. It's not an easy road as you grow throwing off the resentment and rage (in my case). You will do it because you have good understanding of the situation you're in.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2016): My mother is similar to yours. I wonder if your mother, like mine, has been through trauma and abuse like mine. You see my mother never talks about her life before having me and my siblings but through relatives and family history I pieced it together. Through describing your mother you described mines to a T. My advice to you is to ALWAYS reassure your mother you love her because its her insecurities (made worse by your sister) that make your act like this towards you. The way I solve any dispute with my mother is to tell her my point of view on an argument and then let her speak. Then once she is done (regardless of what she has said) I apologize and tell her I love her. I do this for two reasons. One she is my mother and my ONLY mother, you only get one in life so appreciate her no matter what. Two she is fragile because of her past. It hurts me more that my mother is hurt emotionally because of me then knowing my mother is being mean or unsupportive to me.I'm not going to lie it was difficult at first but after sometime my mother realized that I did truly love her and want her to be happy and that this is why I didn't care about the disputes and everyday arguments. I cared about her more. You have to realize its not about you. Its about the issues your mother has and to fix that you have to give up being right or feeling wronged. So you could have said about mothers day that since you didn't have money you thought she would understand that you couldn't afford to get her something. Then she would go on about how hurt she is or how she should me important to you etc. Then you apologize and promise her to get her future gifts and tell her you will make it up to her and that you love her. Do this consistently not matter what and you will win your mother over.As for your sister, you don't owe her anything. If she is being abusive then block her and treat her like a stranger. But your mother carried you for nine months, fed you, and raised you. So you OWE her your unconditional love and support no matter what. I hope you understand where I am coming.
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