| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I just don't know what to do. I love my boyfriend very, very much. I just wish our relationship was normal. He has issues with my past. I was never a slut, I was a virgin until I started dating him. However, I did kiss some guys before him, guys who were much older, who I barely knew, just for fun. I also had kind of a friend with benefits to whom I gave a BJ. And then there was this guy I liked, with whom nothing ever happened, except that I flirted a lot, and another guy who liked me, who I didn't like, but I thought he was my friend so I gave him a CD as a gift once, and I posted on his blog, and once he forced a kiss on me and then I posted on his blog that I needed to talk to him (I didn't want our friendship to get weird).Out of these guys, my boyfriend knows three of them: my ex friend with benefits (he actually introduced us, how ironic), the guy I liked, and the guy who liked me (these two are friends with my boyfriend's brother). Yesterday we got into a fight, because he was using my computer and discovered a file I had - an MP3 from a band I like. The problem is, this is a band that the guy who used to have a crush on me liked too. So he got all upset, because I had put a song of them on the mix CD that I had given him as a gift (he knows all this stuff because he loves asking for details about the past, and I can't lie). Now I can't listen to that band anymore, and he said I should have thought about it, that I could have prevented that fight if I had stopped listening to that band. He says I never think of him, that there are things that I should stop doing that are obvious, for the sake of the relationship.Of course, if I mention his ex or anything, "it's different". What I do is ALWAYS worse. Why? Because he had a formal relationship with his ex, whereas I had nothing official with any guy. So everytime I mention her or any of the girls he hooked up with, he throws the "it's different, stop changing the subject" line.We made up, he said he loves me. But later on, he wanted to show me some videos on Youtube, and my account was open. He started looking at my Youtube history, and I stopped him. I just don't like people going into my stuff, and while I understand one should be able to talk about everything with their partner, well, I just need my privacy and there are things I don't show ANYONE - family, friends, nobody. And that includes my Youtube history because I hate being judged on the stupid videos I watch sometimes.Of course he interpreted this the wrong way, and though I had something to hide related to my past on that video history. I explained it was embarrassing, but he just got mad and asked me if I didn't trust him. I said I didn't and he got even more upset. But why should I trust someone who doesn't trust me? Plus I have NEVER gone into his Internet history, even though I have had countless chances of snooping, I have never done it because I respect his privacy but he just doesn't get it! I bet he'd be pissed off if I did, anyway.What can I do? He said "out of all the women that are around, why do I have to love you?" which was hurtful. He says that if I'm so unhappy with him, then we should break up, but for me it's just so stupid to end this. I mean, he gets upset over stuff that happened BEFORE I met him. How stupid is that? The solution is simple, just get over my past, and then we can have a beautiful relationship. We get along brilliantly, have a lot in common, great sexual chemistry, everything. It's just that his occasional bouts of jealousy ruin it sometimes. Why can't he get over it? I was no slut, dammit. I could understand if I had slept with all those guys, but I didn't, I was a virgin.I just don't know how to save this relationship, I love him very much and I'm very hurt that my love isn't good enough. Like he requires me to have never had anything with any guy he knows. He always says that the difference between my past and his past is that he knows most of the guys I had something with, whereas I know none of the girls he was involved with (which were more and he wasn't a virgin when we met). I always think that if he didn't know any of these guys it wouldn't be an issue, but what was I supposed to do? Tell him, "hey, don't fall for me" the first time we met? I'm just so confused.
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crush, flirt, friend with benefits, his ex, jealous, my ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2009): I won't defend him because he is taking his feelings WAY TOO FAR.
But I want to point out something important here - he is bothered by the fact that he was having sex in a relationship, whereas you were having some kind of sex without demanding anything from the guy. THIS IS a difference between you and him. It is a sign of him having kept a standard with himself that is different from what you did with yourself.
I am not saying you are really in the wrong here (you're not). But there is a certain logic and method to his madness that many people will read this story and overlook.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (25 October 2009):
This guy isn't worth one second of your time! He is a controlling, hypocritical loser who needs some serious help. You are not a slut. You're his girlffriend! He's saying that you can't talk about exes, yet he can. He's baning you from listening to music you like, going through your files and to top it off, asks why he had to fall for you. You're in danger with this guy. He will destroy you if he acts like this. DO NOT think you can change this guy. You must end it. What happens in a few years when you go out and he accuses of you of cheating? What happens when rather than choosing your music, he's choosing your clothes and putting you down every second of the day? Please split from this guy, because he won't change, he won't get over your past and he will certainly continue to hurt you and control you. Why be second best to some guy, when you can be the best to another? End this now before it gets worse.
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