A
male
age
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anonymous
writes:I just found out that my wife had a sexual relationship with my best friend and the best man at my wedding.This happened 26 years ago! We had been dating exclusively for 4 months at the time.Even though it was so long ago, I feel like it could've happened at yesterday. I feel so angry, betrayed, lied to and laughed at.We were the couple that everyone admired up until I just found out. Now I can't stand the sight of her.Her rationale is that it happened a long time ago. It is done and shouldn't matter now, because at the time we were just dating and she hadn't falling in love with me yet.How am I supposed to feel?I said – a long time ago! What is the statuette of limitations on something like this? One year 3 years 10 years?The thing is my buddy – I will call him X and I had a lot of good close conversations back then about everything including sex and experiences. Now I feel so laughed at all this time. He was supposed to be this devote Catholic guy that didn’t believe in pre-marital sex. He told me he had had sex with a friend before but I didn’t know it was my wife!She says she doesn’t ever think about it. and it never comes up. And I said ya just like at the BBQ. - We were having a BBQ for my son going into the service, so everyone was there. My wife, X and some other friends were in a little group on the patio talking. I wasn’t in the conversation but as I was passing jokingly said something like “are you hitting on my wife? It’s never going to happen! He responded “Ya - again” I took it as just something funny to say. But the look on my wife’s face was of Horror! I have been with her for 26 years I know her expressions. She quickly realized how she must have looked and tried to smile and laugh it off. I though, that was odd. I kind of kept my eye on her and she went into the kitchen, so I followed. When she saw me she pulled a glass out of the cabinet and filled it with water. I said what’s up? And she said just getting a drink. That was also funny because she had a drink in her hand outside. Why come in and get a drink? I let it go. Then later I was inside with my brothers talking about the remodel I did in my Family room and saw my wife and X standing out of the way talking. I could see she was drunk. But couldn’t tell what she was saying. Then I could hear X say something like “sorry – don’t worry about it” and gesture it off. So now I know something is up.When I got home from work after thinking about back then all day. I contemplated the wording I would use and what she would say. After she got home from work she kind of stayed distant. None of my other kids were home so I figured it was time. She was in our bed room looking at her phone. So I just said “So how often did you and X sleep together?” She looked up and said “ not often” she isn’t a liar so I figured she would come clean. So I said what do you consider often? She said she didn’t know. Her eyes filled with tears. I said – one? Twice? A few? And she said A few I guess. I called a couple of choice names, something I never have done. I have never even used a cuss word towards her before and I left slamming the door behind me. Funny thing when something like that happens, I got in my truck and pulled out of the drive way but had no place to go. So I actually went to The Home Depot and walked around. I got home about 8:30 or so. I parked on the street and went through the side garage door and up to our guest room over the garage. She gets up at 6:30, I was out of there by 6:00. She tried calling me around eight or so, but I didn’t answer. Then she texted asking me if I would come home and talk? That’s when she said it happened a long time ago and shouldn’t matter now and that line of crap.I asked when this went on? She said when I was away for work, it just kind of happened and was a very confusing time for her. I had to work on a job for a couple of months about 2 hours away. So during the week I would stay there and come home on Friday then go back on Sunday night. She was still in college as was X and I lived in the same apartments as X. just 2 doors apart. She stayed at my place because it was quieter to study then at the house she shared. I knew they sometimes had dinner together at either my place or his. I thought it was nice they could do that. We joked about him being the weekday boyfriend and me being the weekend boyfriend. How stupid was I? it never even crossed my mind at the time they would do that? had retroactive jealousy in the past, and worked to get past it. Now what? Who do I talk to about it? Not my wife. Not my best friend. I will never look at her the same. Not even sure I want to stay married. Yes, I love her, but will always picture them together. I can’t un-know wat happened. The pain is tremendous. Thoughts? Anyone? What do I do?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 February 2017):
 thank you for the update. However I do feel it is unfair that you are able to forgive one and not the other. But however that is your choice. I do hope that your marriage can work.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am not sure that anyone cares but I thought I would up-date the end of the story.I has caused a lot of pain in my relationship with my wife, to the point I was ready to leave.My wife was devastated. She was in pieces. We talked in detail about those days and what was going on in her mind. I her mind she did the right thing because after it all she chose me. She says she has never looked back at that time and that it was just something in her past that has made what she is today. She realized what it has done to me and she has now also felt the pain of thinking we were over. I stayed to myself for a while, just getting through each day. We have photo albums that go way back. I got them out and realized how long ago that had happened and all of the memories we made after that time. She went to counseling and figured out why I was so up set and why I felt the way I did. Slowly we have reconnected. I told her that we will just keep moving forward and try to put it way, way in the back.My one condition is I will never see, talk or hear my old friend again. It is known that if we go somewhere and he and his family are there, we just turn and leave. He is dead to me! He has tried to reach out to me several times by phone, e-mail and text, but I don’t even read them. I don’t care if he is sorry or whatever he has to say.I just hope I can one day not have it on my mind. Thanks for the help when I needed it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2016): You do realize your friend was "male dominating" you, right? His "Yeah again" response proves he had no respect for you, and it WASN"T a mistake. He got off on taking what was yours and giving her what you couldn't (at least in his eyes). So, she stayed at your place to "study?"...Really? She hung out at your place because there was a bigger penis two doors down dude. They had sex only a "couple" times she said. Yeah, a couple times a week while you were gone. And I'll bet she and he were still seeing one another after, including after you were married. She lied once (an omission is a lie), she'll do it again. And yep, you'll NEVER forget it. It'll always be there, every time you look at her. If it was me, even if I was 99 1/2 years old, I'd divorce her, but that's just me. She's unfaithful and a liar.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2016): Lets be careful not to misinterpret his wife's comments that it shouldn't matter now. Maybe she is saying that because she doesn't think its a big deal or maybe she is grasping at anything to try to help things now. Women seem to underestimate how much the insult and betrayal of infidelity hurts men on principle. We don't want to hear it doesn't matter. It matters to us and we didn't have a choice about that either. It will not quit mattering to us just because that would be easier on the cheater. Cheaters and the cheated are always in different places at times like this. It would be that way if it was a week ago let alone 26 years. The cheater cannot undo the past and wants to put it behind them. The cheated partner wants nothing of the sort. They have been emotionally brutalized and its infuriating to hear the cheater trying to minimize and put it away now. People are always saying "I cant undo the past" but they already chose to do it in the first place. They had something to gain from it then. Now they have nothing more to gain from it and a lot to gain from undoing it. That kind of cheaters' remorse may be genuine but it is still doing what is in the cheaters' best interest. It proves nothing.
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male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (7 October 2016):
 she was dating you, but betrayed you behind your back and kept it secret. so did your some what of a best friend buddy X.
It may have happened along time ago like she said, but it does matter. it matters to you , and should matter to her. the big thing that would bother me would be if she does not have any regret over the cheating, the deceiving. if she does not show remorse over what she has done.
"how am i suppose to feel?" you have the right to feel, angry, hurt, betrayed. these are natural feelings. it will take time.
you have built a marriage, a family. it will take time to heal. you need to forgive her for your well being, not so much hers, plus it will let her know you accept her with her flaws, failures.giving her forgiveness you peace also.
no you will not forget this, and it will hurt. but you can forgive her , even though she does not deserve it.
you hurt, you feel pain because you love her, if you did not care about her this would not be much of a problem would it.
i have been with my wife 36 years and the past with her still hurts.
sorry you are going through this, you can make it through to the other side and not loose what you have built over the past 26 years.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2016): I feel ya, man! I have been there!Had what I thought was the dream woman but it turned out she was just a liar! She thought time would heal all wounds, but it doesn't, especially because your wounds are fresh!"If she expected you be 26 years past her cheating in 2016 then she should have told you about it 26 years ago." Exactly!I also agree with Garbo... she kept this guy around?! That doesn't mean she was cheating but it sure wasn't a smart idea on her part to be rubbing your face in it! That's sadistic!I think the fact that she doesn't really see it as a big deal would be most maddening to me. Oh, it was so long ago, honey! No, for you it may as well have been yesterday! I know she won't understand that, but if she wants to stay married to you she is going to need to. My expectations of her would be so high in terms of being apologetic that I don't think anyone could meet them.My first inclination would be to cheat back on her. I made that decision and unlike Anonymous I was happy with that decision because it made me realize that I could get over her! In my mind it definitely leveled the playing field. That we ultimately broke up - well, we would have anyway. Then again, I am a rather vindictive person when I have been hurt so deeply! Whatever you decide to do, though, make sure you think it through very well because you and her obviously make a great couple or you would not have made it together so long! That doesn't mean you just gloss over this, though, like some are advising!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2016): This is why people lie about cheating. It worked. No matter what happens now she still got 26 of the best years of her husband's life.
Lets be real: right after she cheated, if she had somehow seen the future and learned how this would turn out, would she have changed her mind about lying to him? I doubt it. She probably would have done the same thing. She would have lied for at least 20 years to be with him before coming clean. Because LYING PAID OFF no matter what happens now.
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female
reader, Elorm  +, writes (5 October 2016):
 I understand how you feel but is better she told you herself than you finding out by yourself. Forgive her and try to stop thinking about it that it has ever happened
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2016): I can only say that I can't imagine how this is going to work from now on. If it were me, I would feel as if I had just met the person I'd been with most of my adult life. That I had never really known her. And what makes it worse is her reaction. Does she try to comfort you, make you feel better? Reassure you? Help you through this? Or just tell you it was a long time ago?Her and him still seem to be in cahoots as well. Talking to each other closely and secretly at the BBQ. It may have been a long time ago, but it is still fresh in both of their minds. Especially considering his comment of 'Ya...again'. Can you be 100% sure that it hasn't continued after you know about? And I hate to say it, but still continuing? I am in the leave her and don't look back camp, but then that's me. You're you. We're all different. If there is any shred of a possibility that they are still close, then my advice would be go. And find happiness again, either with someone who makes you happy again or on your own.It sounds to me as if you are leaning towards staying though. In that case, counselling is necessary obviously. She has to understand how she has hurt you and changed your whole marriage and not just tell you it was a long time ago. Talk about adding insult to injury.All the very best whatever you decide.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2016): I would like to offer to you my two cents of what not to do. What I learned from my reaction to a slightly similar, though nowhere near as egregious circumstance. When we were dating, my wife presented as a normal girl for our location. She had had boyfriends, was not a virgin, but I didn't really press for any details. Some years after we were married, My wife revealed to me her extreme sexual past. She had had more casual sex than anyone I had ever known, twice over. She had been willingly used by numerous guys, more than I can count on one hand, that I had uknowingky met. Some had come to our wedding, others I had invited into our home. Some I had befriended, shared experiences and emotions with. I felt like a big stupid joke. What an idiot. Me, shaking hands and tucking it up with two guys who had had sex with her at the same time. What a fool. My reaction was to cheat on my wife. I thought this would even the scales, somewhat. I was wrong. It made me almost as disgusted with myself as I was with her prior behavior. That self-disgust eventually Added more anger and resentment towards her. Not only had she "lied to me" (in a sense), turned me into a joke publicly, shared a whole host of secrets with so many people while I bumbled along like an idiot - now I also blamed her, rightly or wrongly, for my decisions that resulted in me giving away my own sense of morality and self-respect. My decision to cheat was the straw that broke the camels back. I could no longer forgive, if I ever could have. Our love was now not only infected by hurt, it was tinged with hate, or at least very strong resentment, as well.Why say all this? Well, I for one am certainly not interested in what other posters might say is right or wrong, or which of my feelings are legitimate or justified. Perception is reality. My feelings were and are my feelings - regardless of how any of you may judge them. Looking back I realize that I made a mistake. I wish I had handled this differently. We may still have gotten divorced, but at least I would have left the relationship hurting, but also with my self respect, and my self-identity intact. She has to some extent taken your understanding of the last 26 years. That is a big thing. Do not also let her actions push you to reactions that will also rob your love and understanding of yourself.
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reader, aunt honesty +, writes (4 October 2016):
My heart goes out to you it really does. What a horrible situation to be in. I am sorry I have to ask but are you sure this only happened 26 years ago? Can you trust her when she says it was back at the start? If it was me I would be doubting it, because after his sly comments and her feeling nervous going to get a drink that would make me question did something happen more recent.
I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I feel sorry for your children having to deal with this also. Have you thought about going to talk to a professional? Someone who will listen and give you unbiased advice?
I totally understand why you don't know what to do, off course you don't want your marriage to end, you have done nothing wrong. She betrayed you, they both did. She should have been honest with you before she married you, but she wasn't. She is a liar. So is he. I would not believe a word that came out of either of their mouths.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2016): OP, I understand how you feel. I do think that leaving her is the right decision. As difficult as it may be.But you are right. You will never look at her the same way. You will never feel about her the same way.In time, the resentment will grow and grow. That is a fact. It would eventually reach a breaking point anyway. Why drag it out until that happens? Because it WILL.When trust is lost, it can never be gained back. There is such a thing as making mistakes for whatever the reason or whatever justification we choose to tell ourselves. We are all human. Some people can forgive them. And others cannot. There is no right or wrong. Just what you think is right for you. And what you can or cannot live with.But I agree. If my partner cheated, I would never feel the same way about him again. It would kill all the feelings and emotions I have had for him all along pretty much instantaneously. The relationship would cease to exist. Sex is sacred between two people. When you are made to feel less and undervalued it hits you at your core. Your very being. Something like that changes you. It makes you feel bad about yourself. Not good enough. Broken. Nobody wants to feel this way every time they look at their partner. And it can never be the same. When we love, we want to be loved back and at the same level of intensity. When a woman has sex with another man, it is devastating to a man especially because it hits his manhood. His epicentre of self esteem. Even if you wished for it, you can never force yourself to feel the same way about her. It does not happen this way. You cannot go back. I think the damage is done. And you feel she could not have loved you to do this to you. Perhaps you are right.There is no statute of limitations on hurt and betrayal. Whether it happened 30 years ago or last night, pain is pain. Whatever you are feeling is legitimate.You are going to go through a lot of emotions in order to work through this and finally reach a point of acceptance. I am glad you reached out here. As many men suffer in silence. But that does not mean they are not distraught as you are. Realize you are not alone. I hope you have some support around you because talking about your feelings is important. I hope you know that you are still an important human being with much to offer. Just because she did not see it, does not mean you aren't. Sometimes good people come across those who hurt them. And we blame ourselves in some way for their indiscretions. Realize that others always have a choice. They made that choice. It has nothing to do with you. All relationships are imperfect. But it is up the those involved to talk through it rather than seek temporary band aid solutions outside the relationship. This is never the answer and always causes more damage than anticipated. Problem is most people do not think in the moment. The repercussion of their actions hits later, after the fact. When it is too late. Cutting off your friend is a logical decision in light of the circumstances. You have realized that he is not a friend and has never been a friend to you. Yes, they are sorry. Yes, they want to explain. Yes, they feel bad. But did they feel bad when they had sex together? Did they feel bad having had an emotional affair all these years? Because I do think that is what has been going on. And I am sorry to say but how do you know they have not been having sex all this time? You don't. Trust your gut. Sometimes we do not need evidence. We just know. And that is enough.I wish you well and I am very sorry you are going through this. It is one of the most difficult situations to ever go though.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2016): Your friend's "Ya - again" remark tells everything you really need to know about him. If I had been him I would have felt too bad and guilty to ever make a comment like that. He wasn't feeling guilty or remorseful, he was laughing at you behind your back for trusting him all these years. As for your wife? That is a tough one. Its easy for us outside observers to say "toss that tramp" but its not so easy for you. Its even harder to throw out a spouse after all these years than a best friend. She sounds remorseful and all that bullshit but she was "confused" about who she was screwing 26 years ago - if it ended then, which you cannot be sure of. (But the "Ya - again" comment does suggest its been over for a while.)She said she "wasn't in love with you yet"? Oh man that's rich. Why do so many people expect that to justify their cheating in the past, when that would never have excused it back at the time it happened? Its bullcrap. Your wife's explanations are doing her as much harm as good.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the opinions. Up date- i got a text from Phill asking if we could talk? I responded- No, never again. And I would expect him to not attend any of my family's social gatherings. Also that we wouldn't be attending any of his.I also said don't ever attempt to contact my wife in any form. Ever! As far as I am concerned he never happened. And he was dead to me. As far as my wife- she is devastated. because I still lover her I kind of feel bad.We haven't talked about it much yet, I am still to angry to be in a conversation. In my hart I don't want a separation or divorce. However- she asked what I wanted to do? I told her I didn't know? She asked if I was going to divorce her?I told her As of right now, I was leaning that way. Because I will never be able to look at her the same or forget. I also said that it would seem that her and Phil must have had a nice conversation to get their story straight. She knew better than to keep talking. I try to work late so not to be home.I have thought of so many questions, but wonder if I am staying, do I want to know the answers?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2016): If she expected you be 26 years past her cheating in 2016 then she should have told you about it 26 years ago.
She didn't tell you (back before you INVESTED YOUR WHOLE LIFE WITH HER). You haven't had the time. She needs to cram the
She needs a wake-up call. There is no making up for this. The debt is not repayable unless she can give you your 26 prime years back. She robbed you of the choice to spend your life with someone who was treating you respectfully. You will never look back on those 26 years like you used to.
If you were happy with her before you knew the truth? That means, oh, NOT A DAMN THING. You were misinformed that whole time.
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reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (3 October 2016):
 "Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; LOVE DOES NOT KEEP A RECORD OF WRONGS; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail."
Ask yourself this... If that hook up meant so much to her, why would she marry you, and not him?
Doing the wrong thing is very easy. Many people would tell you to end your marriage. Sure...easier than dealing with the thought right? But doing the right thing...like putting your love for her first, hard to do.
So...Was your best friend the only guy she ever sleep with? If the answer is no...are you going to be mad with her for all the other too?
Are you simply mad because you know this one guy? Your pride is now offended because a good friend of your shared what you considered yours?
What is point of holding on to a 26 year old grudge? Here is how I would look at it...
You are better in bed than your friend. She slept with him, but after being with you, she married you instead....I would say you the man.
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reader, singinbluebird +, writes (3 October 2016):
 Id be so crush. I read your post and it was painful, I can feel all heartache in every sentence. I'm so sorryThe only thing I can say is that you were betrayed, yes but its important for you to see your life in other ways. I dont think its wise to end things with her, down the line when youre heart has forgiven her, getting her back may be harder than you think. Follow your heart, let her give to you. I think she really needs to apologize and not say it was so long ago. She has to own up to it and apologize to your face and hold you, but her brushing it away means she doesnt value your feelings. Doesnt matter if it was 26 years ago, your feelings are validMaybe take some time to sort out your life. I'm sorry your bestfriends took away your happiness but dont let it define who you are, youre bigger than their 'mistake'. You cant undo the past but both of their mistake doesnt define you as a man. Continue to pursue your career and love your kids. continue to be a GREAT man, that is the best way to get over your pain and continue to define yourself as something more than this. Seek positivity, and move on from both. Its up to you if you want to end the marriage but Id say end the friendship with X. the fact that he even made a joke that he tried to hit on your wife again, Im sorry but hes crossing line again and again. That is disrespect. Please dont let this define you, but find strength from it insteadGood luck
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reader, Garbo +, writes (2 October 2016):
 Jealousy is not involved in this situation. What's there to be jealous of? It is retroactive but all betrayals is like that.
Nor do I, personally, believe that her infidelity happened 26 years ago, once and done. That guy has been mingling around her all these years and if she truly had remorse for what she has done with him, she had 26 years worth of time to find the way to estrange that guy from both of you so that he is no longer around. Instead, she kept him around, and that is the reason why I believe her affair with him didn't happen just once.
Lack of remorse is bad enough but she makes it worse by excusing her affair by lapse of time. The fact that she cheated 26 years ago makes this situation even worse, not excusable as she says. For 26 years she has been lying to you, deceiving you to build the edifice of your life on a lie believing that the higher the building less of a chance you'd want to have it demolished.
So, if you are asking what I would do, the answer is divorce. I would get a lawyer and look for ways so that she gets as little out of this marriage as possible. I would aim to take all money, all property and everything so that she gets nothing, or at least maximize my take.
Now, you don't necessarily have to do that. Every person is different, for different reasons. But if you are unable to accept her cheating, unable to forgive and forget, then divorce is for you. If you are capable of forgive and forget, then investing your time to remedy this is worth while. I can see factors that you'd want to salvage this: your age, material things, children, ... so if these things are pulling you to forgive then don't focus so much on immediate impulses about her, but look to future and evaluate whether you can ever get to a situation with her so that you can again accept her and under what conditions. If you don't see that point, don't see that road then even the intent to forgive won't work.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2016): Of course you are going to be hurt, sad angry and totally snissed at your wife .. These are normal reactions .. say she had told you at the time what had happened it would have given you opportunity to decide whether you wanted to continue with the potential of a relationship or not .. It also shows that they both must have been attracted to each other and of course you are going to wonder " am I second best" did she still list after him all these years You wife has no right to sweep this under the carpet .. you both must tackle it head on .. I suggest counselling someone you both can talk to .. I also suggest that your wife come down of her defensive horse .. and realise she hurt you and took away your right to choose whether to continue with her or not by withholding information.. sit her down and tell her this .. calmly .. no name calling please it won't help .. It had been a one off I would say it was a mistake maybe alcohol ..age .. A few times as you state there was a little more and I can understand why you are so hurt ..If you love her and can see a future still then counselling is your next stepTake care and chin up
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reader, dougbcoll +, writes (2 October 2016):
you are feeling hurt, loss, and maybe seeing them in your mind. this is understandable.
i have been married for 30 plus years, knowing her 36 years, and still feel hurt from my wife before we was married. we dated she was a virgin. we broke up for short while, she gave her self to another guy. we got back together and married. yes it still hurts, some times daily.
you will hear the past is the past, she is with you, ect...that will not make things better. you will need to come to a place of forgiving her at some time.for your self and your marriage , but you will still hurt, i know i do with my wife.
jealousy has very little to do with it. more like hurt, pain, over the one you love.
sorry you are going through this.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (2 October 2016):
 You feel it was like yesterday because, for you, it is all fresh as you have only just found out. Sending you hugs. It is bound to be a big shock. And what a dreadful way to find out. I do wonder though, why is all your anger and disappointment directed at your wife, and none at your friend? After all, at the time you and your wife had only been dating for a relatively short time but I bet you had been friends with him a lot longer. Since she had this "confused" fling, you two have had over a quarter of a century together, when she has (I assume) been a loving and faithful wife. She chose to share her life with you. She chose not to have anything more to do with your "friend". Given your reaction, the poor woman must have lived in dread of you every finding out and her worst nightmare has now come true.You two need to talk. She needs to understand how hurt and upset you are and to work at rebuilding your relationship. It won't happen overnight. However, don't write off what has been a strong relationship for the sake of a few fumbles with your friend when your wife was so much younger. I hope you can move past this. Don't do anything rash. The gut-wrenching hurt will calm down. Don't let your wife's one mistake outweigh all the good times in your marriage.
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