A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I relocated to New Zealand with my fiance and 4 month old baby from South Africa. On coming here, I thought I would find a job quickly but it has not been the case as my skills are very specific to the SA market. As a result, I have been very down and despondent not to mention extremely lonely. My fiance has become very frustrated with me as he is working and settling in beautifully. I realise I have turned him into an emotional punching bag and I have made a concerted effort to try fix that. Two days ago I discovered he had registered on a New Zealand dating site saying he is "single, tall dark and handsome and looking for whatever". I confronted him and he says it was boredomm and things had become so unbearable with me. I am devastated and he has withdrawn into himself. To go back to SA means I leave with a suitcase and a baby and very little money. To stay means I am in a foreign country in an unfaithful relationship with no job. Any advice on how to repain this relationship would be welcome.
View related questions:
fiance, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mightaphodite  +, writes (15 December 2008):
p.s. I forgot to mention that my husband was very verbally abusive throughout my difficult time, which made me feel even more like a looser. Part of the problem was that back in my country everything was different I was the one who worked and earned and he was the one without a well paying, respectful job. We're still working on his abusive behaviour and I've given him a deadline. If the thing don't imrpove, I'll leave. I only hop ethat by that time I'll land on my two feet completely.
A
female
reader, mightaphodite +, writes (15 December 2008):
I have a very similar problem, except for the fact that I'm married with no children. I relocated to a country where I had to start from less than zero. I had to learn the language (still struggling) and work illegally (still do because I haven't got the "right" papers) earning less than enough to be financially independent. I'll tell you what I didn't do but should have done: meet new people, make better connections, avoid staying at home and silently becoming depressed. No one wants an unhappy, unsatisfied and weak person (this is how I saw myself, and I'm ashamed to say that some people would agree on this). You have to find strength to stay positive and get out there, meet new people, look for the work. Become independent and strong. Start pouring all the energy you gave him into yourself. Than he'll start looking at you in a different way. My husband started contacting his ex-girlfriends (forgot to mention this place is his hometown... so he's way ahead of me in everything!) and I was angry and devastated at the same time. He lied about it until I showed him firm proof. He had no explanation, but the truth is he got bored and wanted to reevaluate. I only wish he talked to me openly about it, but he didn't want me to feel free to do the same. Well, than I got fed up and did the unthinkable - wanted to leave this hell and with only a suitcase go back to NOTHING (to my home (unstable) country, no work, no money, to my "I told you so" friends). I told him everything I thought about him and how I had enough. That's when I started feeling strong again and that's when he realized what he had done and what he really wanted. He's still on "probation" so to speak. But I'm feeling better, stronger. I can't wait to get the "right" papers and become independent, but in the meantime I'm learning how to start loving and respecting myself once again. I try not to feel ashamed about my "black" period (and suicidal thoughts - yes been even there!) and to accept life as it comes. Hoping that this has helped, I wish you all the best and stay strong for yourself and your child!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2008): Relocating is not easy. It takes time to adjust in a new country. To get settled, to make new friends and just be comfortable is not something that just happens. It will take time and effort. When you left SA and applied to go to NZ you had to qualify, if you did not have a job, how did you manage to qualify? Was your partner going to support you? Is he also from SA? Did he have a job organized before the time? I suppose you sold up on this side and have nothing to come back to? Do you have any family here that can support you?
How long have you been there? Have you tried all the employment agencies for work? What is the objection? Is there no possibility of a job in another field then what you have been in here in SA? Maybe some new opportunity?
There are lots of SA citizens in NZ and maybe you can make contact with some of them. I believe there are great support groups helping each other with adjusting and settling.
Should you wish to return to SA, herewith a link with lots of information that might be very helpful to you.
http://www.homecomingrevolution.co.za/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=408
As for the boyfriend, I think you need to have a very serious conversation and try to explain to him how you feel. Being alone in a new country with a baby can be very distressing. He is not making things any easier for you by being on the dating site, but once again, talk to him in a nice, loving and calm manner and explain your feelings. I do hope you can resolve the problems between the two of you.
Good luck. Keep me posted.
...............................
|
