A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My bf is going to study in Miami for 1 or 2yrs. We have been together now for 4yrs and he is 22 and I am 27. Of course, he says he is madly in love with me and says he wants to marry me, have kids etc. He even suggested we get engaged before he goes. So far, he has always been fully faithful and committed. I am however, fully aware of the dangers of these long distance things. Plus I know in Florida most the girls are more beautiful and generally scantily clad - ie what I mean is temptation will be more readily available there. My bf is good looking, everytime we have been in the US he is normally pounced on by women in a more forward way than here in the UK. And with the big age difference I can even understand why he would be interested in this sort of lifestyle where he is out all the time, partying, meeting girls etc. I won't even be angry as such - I walked into this relationship with such a younger guy with my eyes fully open. Now, I am not or have ever been by nature an insecure person. And of course, I know that if he does go out there and cheats on me or is exposed to whatever crazy party lifestyle that goes with Miami, that is down to him. I can't change that and that would be down to the person. Here is the thing. He is so young, I know he is growing and will be changing into the person he will become. It could even be that he may no longer want to be with me or even, he may become someone I no longer want to be with as he "grows".My question is, how do I remain level headed for the next year or two while he is out there having the time of his life while I am stuck here in plain boring, rainy London. I mean, I want to have a thick skin about this, irrespective of the consequences. I accept that it is quite possible he can run off and do things I won't be happy about but how to I keep my own cool and stay focused on myself throughout this time and remain positive?Many Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2014): Yes, it's true, girls like to undress here and look like hookers a lot, especially from Latin countries, and we have it here more than half of total population. But its the climate too, it's hot, very hot most of the time, so beach like clothes is welcomed. You can also never find as many fake boobs and other kind of plastic surgeries here anywhere in a world. You see it everywhere. When I first came to South Florida, I partied a lot, may be for 3-4 months, and believe it or not I don't even go to Miami or South beach at all anymore unless a friend from out of town comes to visit. I don't like the atmosphere: very touristy, nor the prices: parking 30$, drinks 15$-20$, entrance to clubs 25-50$. Service mostly sucks, it can get dangerous at night, though police is everywhere nowdays. For locals is so not an attraction. There are many other places where you can have a much nicer time if you go north a bit. Also it depends on your boyfriends personality. If he is into a never ending party scene with casual sex all the time , he ll find it anywhere. It doesn't have to be Miami. Your age difference is not that big, it's only 5 years
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2014): Okay, here we a go. To have a long-distance relationship, or not to have a long-distance relationship? Can you maintain your sanity while he is more or less, on one of the greatest adventures of his life?
I guess taking on a younger partner has some drawbacks.
You've sustained four years. So that accounts for something.
You just have to remember, temptation isn't just beginning.
It has always been there.
I don't recommend rushing into a hasty engagement as a means to pacify your fears. That's not it's purpose. If you weren't concerned, you wouldn't have written your post. How
much can you trust yourself? It's not all on him.
It's easy to say sensible words like trust, secure, and loyalty. It's different maintaining all of the above when you're thousands of miles apart, and both in your twenties.
I was in Miami and Ft. Lauderdale Florida, on vacation four weeks last year. It's a vacationer's dream. Sun, beach, ocean, sand, palm trees; and of course, scantily clad sun-tanned bodies of both genders.
Don't forget he has to study, meet deadlines for assignments, and maintain a grade-point average in order to graduate. So it's not all fun and parties. Unless he's wealthy or on full scholarship, he may also have to work.
Florida is not all endless parties and half-naked young females. It's a lot of cotton-topped retirees driving old Cadillacs and over-sized automobiles. Peeping over their steering wheels; and driving at a snail's pace on a busy main street or throughway. It's where many Americans go for retirement. So he'll see more elderly people concentrated in one city; than he'll see in a small country.
It's tough enough maintaining relationships living together.
It takes something extra when you are going to be separated by both time and distance. Military couples are forced to do it all the time. It's hell on families. Somehow, they do it.
The difference being, these people are doing their duty and under orders. So separation is their sacrifice for our freedom and security. The benefit of freedom is shared by their families; who also share that sacrifice. Their spouses, girlfriends, and boyfriends do the best they can and wait; because love compels them to. Yours isn't some online make-believe relationship. What you both have is real. Four years in the making. Trust is the tie that binds you together.
Your relationship requires you to make a sacrifice. To allow him to pursue his dreams and grow. It doesn't require you to suddenly become a martyr, and toss our feelings aside. You are also entitled to happiness and your own dreams. Don't give everything up for his sake. Weigh all your pros and cons.
We all have to live with the good stuff, and the inconvenient differences and particularities that come as a package with our choice of mates. Younger, older, prettier,
richer, or poorer. Something still brought you together. It's probably going to be that same thing that holds you together.
That means you must also face the realities that all relationships face. The challenge of remaining monogamous and standing by your commitment. Relationships don't come without challenges and obstacles.
Being close makes no guarantees, as far as fidelity goes.
It's part of the risk.
It goes two ways. You talk as though you're some 45 year-old, with someone half your age. You're only 5 years older! If he's good-looking, I take it you have something hot going for you to snag him in the first place? Which means he has something to worry about while he's gone. You could get lonely, and face many moments of weakness and temptation yourself. Why do women always pretend they aren't tempted by attention outside their relationships? We all do. Gender gives no one any special advantage in that area. Nor does age. It's timing and opportunity.
It's different being a college student away on your own; and discovering both yourself and world beyond your homeland. There is a lot to take-in and to adjust to. He is handsome and his British accent and charm will of course make him stand-out; but that happens for him at home in the UK, as far as the ladies go. This will be a test of your relationship that has endured 4 years. I think you have that to hold on to. The ladies here are not always so easily impressed, and tourists from all over the world pass through Miami all the time.
While there myself, I shared a hot tub with a Swede, German, Canadian, Frenchman, and A Dutch fellow. They came in on cruise ships. An influx of travelers the Florida locals are more than accustom to. Myself included. Charming as they were, two had boyfriends who didn't travel with them; and we all controlled our animal urges. Although we all happened to be gay men, and each attractive in our own right. Distance and opportunity doesn't always unleash the beast. It can be controlled.
You'll miss him terribly. You'll have lonely times. You'll even be torn between holding on and letting go.
If you will be extremely unhappy as a result of his choice to seek his education so far away. Do what is right for you.
Hold out only as long as you feel it doesn't do you harm emotionally or psychologically. By no means continue, if it takes any toll on you mentally.
You are torturing yourself before he has even made his departure. That may be a sign that you can't handle it.
He may be asking more of you than might be fair. You have no obligation to survive under such stress; but I think with time you'll learn to handle it. If your life becomes hell; don't allow it to reach the point your health should suffer.
It apparently wasn't so difficult of a choice to leave that he didn't make it; it shouldn't be left on you to suffer through it, if it's too much for you to live with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2014): I've done long distance across two countries and it boils down to three things; trust, commitment/loyalty and communication.
Whatever he looks like, whatever city he's in, whatever temptation he faces if you have these three things your relationship will be fine.
Oh and try to visit each other as much as possible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2014): Hey, I'm from Miami, FL and TRUTHFULLY you have nothing to worry about. I will tell you from personal experience that, yeah, everything seems great at first. The nightlife is exciting and fun and the thrill of it is a huge culture shock if you're from a completely different place (like London). But, give it a month or two, and once you've visited pretty much every place there is to see and drink at, it becomes so boring. I'm 22 and barely ever go out anymore. The downtown life here is sleazy, you learn pretty quickly that the clubs are all really gross and overly priced. Unless you ride a Bentley and have money to throw at bartenders and treat your friends to bottles of expensive champagne, chances are, youd rather just save your money and stay at home and study. If he's faithful then trust him. I have lived here almost my whole life (15 plus years). Once you hit North Miami, there is absolutely NOTHING to do and its desolate forest area for miles and miles. Downtown is gross and dirty, but you can see a good basketball game or show here and there. Restaurants are great, the beach is great. But there are more interesting things to see in Miami that will get his attention than strip clubs and parties, which is what I guess you're worried about. If he's not the partying type, I would say just get a grip (I say that in the nicest way!!) And learn to trust. I once had a long distance relationship with a guy who lived in New Orleans...UMM Mardi Gras and Bourbon Street!?!? That terrified me! Its even worse than Miami's reputation! But even he got tired and didn't even touch those places after a week. I'm not a party type of person but a lot of the people I know are. They started since we graduated high school and now, at 22, everyone is so sick of the party scene here they would rather stay at home and watch the super bowl or play video games together. You know what i mean? A lot of the stuff you've heard about Miami is just hype. I've been up and down Florida and have still yet to understand what the big freaking deal is about Miami to everyone. I guess when you've lived here for so long, lol. All this glitzy glamourous stuff can only be afforded by rich people and that's why they live in their own isolated little areas that middle class people like my family and I don't really get to see.I really hope this has given you some peace of mind :) good luck!!!
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