A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't really know who to ask about this so I thought id give this a go.I've got a close friend who has been seeing my boyfriends friend for about a year on and off.He has cheated on her and messed her around numerous times and he was expecting my bf to lie for him but he wouldn't, so they eventually fell out. They speak occasionally when they are with their group of friends at the pub or wherever but they don't socialise on their own, don't have each others numbers anymore etc.Despite all that's happened my friend refuses to leave him and instead just puts up with his constant lies. Quite often her bf will tell her that he's seen either myself or my partner or he'll say he and my partner went to the pub for the afternoon together for example when it is blatant lies and when she asks me I tell her it's lies and we've not seen him. This isn't my problem.. That's my friends business, I can advise her til I'm blue in the face but if she chooses to stay with him that's her choice.My problem is that my boyfriend keeps having a go at me about it!! This morning my friend rang me in tears and said was her bf with my bf last night? I said no definitely not last night as we had his parents round for dinner. At lunchtime when I spoke to my bf I said id spoken to her and yet again he'd said he'd been with my bf when he hadn't and my partner was like 'I've had enough of this, you better tell her straight you're not listening to her shit anymore, I'm fed up of being involved and being accused (I've never once accused him of anything, even when I've not known his whereabouts). He then hung up on me and text me saying until I tell her to F off he won't be speaking to me! I've not heard from him since! I understand it's annoying him but surely it's up to him to either ignore it or have a word with this man herself! Yes to be honest I'm sick of my friend calling me in tears most days but I'm trying to be a good friend and be there for her!
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (21 March 2014):
 So, your boyfriend ran home to Mommy?
He is a flake who forgot that it was *his* friend that created so much trouble for the two of you, so he dealt with it by burying his head in the sand.
He's emotionally blackmailing you unless you destroy a friendship? Do you have any idea what a red flag that is?? Sure, your friend may be a drama junkie, and you may have enabled it, but he's not asking you to be firm with your friend about staying out of their drama, nor has he taken his (former friend) to task for his lying about him, Nor has he spoken to your friend and set her straight on leaving him out of the drama now and forever. Instead, he's pretty much broken up with you and ran home to Mommy without so much as a word to you.
I think there's more than this situation happening. I think he wants out of the relationship and is using this as the catalyst, because he's not behaving as someone who loves his girlfriend but is frustrated by the situation his own friend started. Instead, he's acting like he's now got a Get Out of Adult Responsibility card, hidden in his mother's skirts, and has mistreated you almost as badly as his friend has mistreated your friend.
Sorry, but guys who act this way are worthless. If he wanted to break up, he should have just done it. Problems don't get fixed by running away from them and forcing other people to destroy friendships for their comfort.
The real truth is - you're not responsible for HIS friend. His telling you to destroy your friendship with your friend because of the actions of his own friend is despicable and cowardly and immature. Hearing now that you don't bring it up unless he does tells me that you should cut this one loose, let him keep eating his Mommy's dinners, and you should find someone better than that fool or that fool's useless friend.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2014): OP your boyfriend is right in principle but not really how he acted.
What you don't seem to get is that you're not actually being a good friend to her. You're being her enabler. By allowing her to emotionally leech off you and check up on her boyfriend through you you're allowing her to stay with the guy and you're also putting your boyfriend right bang in the middle too by speaking for him.
With all due respect, OP, your intentions are good but you're being a bad friend and a horrible girlfriend too.
OP protect your relationship above all. She knows what her guy is like, she's choosing to stay with him and she likes playing these games with him for some reason. You have to stop letting her get you involved.
By all means listen to her moan if you like, but do not answer any questions involving your boyfriend anymore. You're not her spy and it's not helping at all. You cannot be her source of info because it's killing your relationship and frankly, OP you're making your relationship too much a part of theirs.
Call your boyfriend today. Tell him you're no longer going to let her bring him into it and will no longer answer any questions got to do with him, you will not be her spy or let her bring your boyfriend into it. But tell him he needs to tell his friend to stop using him as an excuse to say where he was because by doing that he's getting you involved and that too is unacceptable.
He needs to tell his friend to stop dragging you both into too.
It's that simple. You'll stop getting involved but your boyfriend needs to stop letting his friend get you two involved too. Then just tell your friend you're no longer going to be involved in that way, you'll be shoulder to cry on because she's your friend but you won't allow you or your boyfriend be any part of it anymore.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2014): I'm the op.
Maybe I should have pointed out that I don't tell him that she's mentioned him or even that I've spoken to her unless he specifically asks me.
I've told her on several occasions that I'm not even answering anymore and basically if her bf tells her he's been with me or my bf then she doesn't need to ask me as it will certainly be a lie. My bf hasn't spoken to me and hasn't come home (staying at his parents I believe) since the other night. Personally I think that's extreme. He said he won't come back or speak to me until I cut all ties with her.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (20 March 2014):
 I don't blame your boyfriend one bit.
'Ignore it' is precisely what he's doing but it's kind of difficult when you keep bringing it to his attention. He's already had a word with the man and no longer associates with him. What good would another chat do?
He's done his part. Now it's up to you to do yours.
Your friend knows all she needs to know about her boyfriend and the fact that she still thinks he's worth fighting for says a great deal about her and the kind of person she is.
You're enabling your friend by becoming part of her cycle and you're allowing her poor choices to poison your relationship with your boyfriend.
The best thing you can do for her, for yourself and your boyfriend is to set some boundaries. The next time your friend calls to verify her boyfriend's alibi or commiserate about him in general tell her she knows what he's like, she knows your boyfriend and he no longer associate with one another and that she'll have to deal with him on her own.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 March 2014):
 Just leave your boyfriend out of it. Don't ask him or mention it to him again. He probably was just fed up and overreacted and will calm down and speak calmly to you. However, as I said, just don't talk to him about the situation and don't answer your friends questions about him or was he with your bf. Tell her the truth; that it's really irritating him and he wants no part of the drama. End of story. I would hate to be in the middle of that kind of drama, also, honestly.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 March 2014):
Ohhhh man. I would not put up with a guy treating me like that. It is *his* friend causing all of this trouble, and he dealt with that by burying his head in the sand and picking on you.
You have two issues to deal with. One is your friend - she knows better than to be drunk on drama and pull you into it constantly, and if I were in your place, I wouldn't have brought her up with your boyfriend in terms of her drama with the guy. As far as they are concerned, they can play their own games until the end of time. Tough love for that girl is what I say, but I wouldn't tell her to F off. I mean, really? Friends are not disposable, and that's your second issue.
It's a HUGE red flag that your boyfriend can just drop friends AND GIRLFRIENDS as easily as he does. He was a coward, hung up on you, and then TEXTED a breakup threat? Sorry, but I would drop the guy, or at least tell him that he can talk to you when he fricken GROWS UP and stops treating you worse than his friend (HIS friend) does his girlfriend. I'd take your boyfriend to task and tell him that it was his friend who mistreats her, she's drunk on drama, and that your boyfriend doesn't treat you much better if that's the way he talks to you.
Then tell him you're going out on the town as a single girl because life's too short to take ultimatums on how meanly you talk to your friends, and in that case, his dictating what friends you have or don't have just because HIS friend is ruining your friend's life. In my opinion, your boyfriend needs to apologize left and right before you speak to HIM again.
Life is too short to take that from your boyfriend, just as life is too short to suck down your friend's drama. She needs tough love from you. Your boyfriend needs to grow up, and you need to get some other friends and go out without him!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (20 March 2014):
If I was you I'd just tell her that you care about her, but if she keeps saying with a guy who's making you miserable that's her choice but you don't want to be in the middle anymore.
Tell her that if she finds the courage to break up with him you'll be there for her but not to call you asking about her bf or crying about him anymore. It's too much and it's affecting your relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 March 2014):
 Honestly, I don't blame your BF. Your friend is bringing drama to your relationship. He DUMPED his friend because he didn't approve of his behavior, that however doesn't mean you have to dump yours.
If I were you I would STOP bringing it up to your BF when you have have chats with your friend about this guy. And I would tell your friend that your BF will NOT cover for her cheating ass BF and that they don't even hang out, so if HER BF uses YOUR BF as a cover she will know HE is lying.
I do think he feels like he gets LUMPED in with HER BF and his cheating ways.
YOU haven't accused him of anything but I think he feels like you will have doubts.
And last but not least I think your BF should tell his former friend to go F himself - but I think he already did that and the "friend" don't care.
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