A
male
age
30-35,
*Nick
writes:I'm the type of man who is fortunate enough to have rarely had to chase women in the past few years. College has been good to me. So this is a weird predicament for me:I am head over heels for this girl right now. We dated for about 2 months over the summer, and she was head over heels for me. Then due to circumstance (we lived about 50 miles apart, neither of us had reliable transportation and I was working full time night shift and part time day shift so communication was sparse) I didn't appreciate her and I hurt her really badly by not having the energy to put into the relationship.We both went back to school. We made up last week. I wanted to see her so she invited me up to spend a night with her (her campus is 100 miles away from mine). It was wonderful. All of the feelings I had for her came back, maybe ten-fold now that I have bought a car and the transportation factor is no longer an issue. She told me she never stopped thinking about me, that she wants to make this work, except for she's not ready to trust me yet, and I need to regain that.Fair enough. I understand that. We have mostly resumed pre-break communication, i.e., phone calls nightly, frequent contact (except we are communicating much better than we ever have). I have been blatant with my feelings for her, letting her know the lengths I'm willing to go to regain her trust. She is okay with all of this and things are headed in a positive direction, and she reciprocates many of my feelings.Mini-problem 1: We are both partiers who get flirty when drunk. Bringing someone new home with us when we go out is not really a foreign concept to either of us, and we know a lot about each others pasts. She was going to try to visit me this weekend, but her friend ended up going through with her plans to visit her this weekend. We skyped for like 3 hours tonight and somehow it came up that if I want to, she said I could bring someone back with me this weekend if I wanted. That as we progress through our relationship, she won't be okay with it but for now she won't be too jealous. I told her with my current state of feelings for her, I couldn't. I extended the courtesy to her and she said she doesn't know if she will, she might feel guilty for it, but right now she doesn't know what will happen.I am probably more okay with this scenario than most people would be, as I understand how little a drunken one night stand actually means, but gahhh it still bothers me. I want it to be me and it bothers me that because of the trust issue it won't be me for quite some time.Mini-problem 2: her friend is visiting this weekend. Another friend is visiting next weekend. We are shooting for 2 weeks to see each other again.As I've said, I'm not used to chasing girls, but I'm really going all out to win her back. I brought her favorite flowers which I never found an excuse to buy her over the summer. She always wanted me to write her a song (I am musically inclined) but I never had time. I wrote her one telling her how sorry I was. I am doing very well articulating my feelings. Controlling them on the other hand...With the 2 weeks between us seeing each other again, I am only going to get more and more anxious about seeing her. I think mini-problem 1 is the primary driving factor behind my anxiety, but still. As time goes on and we get more into relationship shape, my feelings are only going to increase more.The main problem is a result of mini-problem 2. With the two weeks of time between us, I can't wait until I see her again. I don't know how to regain her trust without being in person. Don't get me wrong - I'm doing my damnedest to fix it from here. But it's just not the same. And knowing that if I could see her, I'd regain her trust much easier makes me extra anxious.I hide it well, but basically I'm a walking ball of emotional stress right now - and ask anyone, normally my stress level is zero, despite grad school, work and family drama. I know mini-problem 1 has no solution; my best bet is to go out with the guys and be pleasantly surprised if she ends up drunk calling me instead.I know mini-problem 2 has no solution, and that I just have to suck it up and do my time since I made her suffer.But how do I regain her trust from a distance when she already previously had abandonment issues? Has anyone had luck with this? If I could do that, I think I would feel better. Also, after realizing how much this girl deserved to be appreciated, I'm comfortable with saying I'm in love with her, and she's really comfortable with me being in love with her while she figures her feelings out, but despite this, do you think there's any danger in trying too hard or oversharing? I don't see a drawback, especially because it's my turn to prove to her that I'm worth it, but I just wanted some additional insight.Thanks, and good night!-Nick.
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female
reader, Queenie2015  +, writes (23 September 2015):
 Hi Nick, Your question is a long one with a few difficult bits to answer. First off - do not sleep with someone else. I do not care that she has given you 'permission' - this seems like some sort of test (I could be wrong, but I can tell you I would not get with a guy who would happily do that).Give her all the reassurance she needs, contact her first, send her cute messages (if she's the romantic type girl) and send her flowers during the weeks that you are apart so that she knows you are thinking of her. You don't need to deliver these yourself but make sure there is a little card to go with them. Let her have her fun with her friends, most likely she needs some input from outside of the little circle you share. You can still win her trust without being right in front of her, just make sure she knows that you will do anything to get back with her. We women are very complicated beings, this is quite an understatement. You need to text her, and keep in contact but don't over do it. If she's happily texting you back quickly then keep talking to her, if she's taking a while to text you back she's spending time with her girl pals and will need her space. Be romantic, but manly at the same time. Cry to her if you feel like it, tell her how sorry you are but don't cry all the time as this will annoy her. You need to be sensitive but not overly so. Take her to her favourite restaurant, to the movies and anything she wants to do but make sure you two spend time doing the things you like as well. Show her who you are, what you like and how well you fit together but things can't be all about you. Complicated huh? You also have to show her that you trust her as well, but please if she offers to let you sleep with someone else again tell her you don't want to, that she's the only woman you want and do not give her the option back! I'm not saying go all out and tell her the only one she can see is you, because this will drive her away as you are not actually in a relationship at the moment.I hope this helps and good luck because you seem like a genuinely nice guy, even if you did make one bad decision.
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