A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for 16 hrs. I am 45 hrs old and have 2 boys with my husband. My husband works a day job as well as a 2nd shift job. I work in the morning part time and the rest of my time is devoted to my boys their schools and sports. My husband and I have no time together. The time we do have is spent arguing or in silence. Our sex life has became very limited due to him never showing me any affection. I also feel so alone all the time. He doesn't give me much attention. This is nothing new. It's kinda like this is the life I was given so I'll work with it. As of the past almost yr. I stared reaching out to another man. As time has went by I've stopped caring for my husband, almost not even wanting to be around him and I have fallen in love with this other man. I love everything about this man. Although I must admit I do sometimes feel like maybe I'm addicted to him. Can't ever stop thinking of him. He knows my situation and I'm aware of his situation as well. He coming out of an 11 yr marriage. . I'm still in my home he has separated from his wife. How do I give him up stop making him my main thought and concern and get back on track with my home life. How do I get myself to want to get back into it with my husband? How do I get him out of head? How do I refocus and find out if I can continue to stay in my marriage.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 January 2013):
 IF you really want to make the marriage work you have to totally completely give up this guy on the side.
NO calls
no texts
no social media (block him)
no email
NO CONTACT at all!
then you must go to your husband and say "we have to talk and I think we need to go to some counseling since I need to figure out how to fix our marriage. I am not happy right now"
if he refuses to go to counseling together... go yourself and figure out if you want to stay married.... if you do then you have to try again with hubby to make him see that EFFORT is needed to keep a marriage working.
Again if he refuses to go to couples counseling (some people see needing counseling as a failure on their part) then you can tell him... "well I can't fix this alone and if you don't want to fix it I guess I'll call the divorce attorney and start the proceedings."
AND DO IT... he may still come around once he realizes you are serious.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (31 January 2013):
 Sorry to hear that you are going through these problems. Here are some solutions that I would recommend for you:
1) You have to realize that one of the main reasons why you can't get the other man out of your life is because your current lifestyle is so miserable. He is a beacon of light and you don't want to lose it, especially when things are difficult at home. Unfortunately, you are only seeing one side of him... while you communicate well, you really don't know if you "jive". One way to eliminate the thought of him is to focus on your marriage and cut the contact with him. Write him an email asking him not to contact you and that you want to focus on your marriage and leave it at that. It will be painful at very but in time, his memory will fade.
2) I've known many families who have jobs that crush them. All of them have wound up divorced. Why do you have to work so many hours? Is the almighty dollar that important? What are you sacrificing your best years for -- cable TV and Internet? Look for ways to cut your budget so that you and your husband can work a standard and honest day. It is no wonder why you are arguing -- he is probably dead tired at the end of the day and crabby (as well as you). That is the perfect recipe for late night fights and no sex. Again, this may call for drastic cuts (no going out to restaurants, selling the house, etc) -- but believe me you'll be free of the bondage of money if you can live within your means.
3) As far as your sex life goes... force yourself to have sex. Seriously. There was a show on Lifetime called 7 Days of Sex. They showed couples with deteriorating marriages and asked them to have sex for 7 days in a row. The result: much happier couples. All it takes is 15 minutes each night. Make a pact with your husband and try it -- it might just work
4) If you have the means and time, seek out professional help. Sometimes a marriage counselor can work wonders.
5) Plan a date night. Go for a movie, a walk in the park (without the kids) -- anything to spend pleasant time together. Plan it in advance so you have something to look forward to.
6) Here is an article written by a therapist that I think you should read that was very poignant and related to what you are going through: http://www.lvrj.com/view/woman-yearns-to-regain-emotional-sexual-attachment-to-husband-145883405.html
Finally, keep in mind that being single is never easy -- especially with kids. In fact, your kids are counting on you. Hopefully you and your husband can work things out, but one of you has to take the first step, and it sounds like you just did by coming here.
I hope you decide to take that second step in the same direction.
Eddie
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