A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im having my first relationship ever at age 22 but my boyfriend (who is 23) had a long relationship before me which lasted about 5 years and the reason they broke up was because the girl broke it off, not him. We have been dating for about 3 months now and i lost my virgnity to him even though we havent even said that we love each other (but of course for him, I wasnt his first).I just cant help but feel "unfair" for a lack of better term. Its not necessarily jealousy, because I dont exactly feel jealous of his ex, but its more like I feel like I saved myself up but he didnt. The reason i didnt date wasnt because no guys liked me (ive been on multiple dates and there were several guys that pursued me) but it was because I was just saving myself up for someone really awesome and great. And my boyfriend is awesome and great, he tries to make me feel most secure about our relationship and he treats me well. We've had this EXACT talk before and he knows that I feel unfair but i still cannot get over feeling unfair.Its unfair to me that he's been to all these other places that we go to with his ex before or have done all these other things that we do with his ex before. Its kind of the feeling of saving up your money only to buy something used. It's also about my reputation, which is like a clean slate. But him, the 5 year relationship will follow him and us (because everyone around knows that he's been with that girl for a long time and I just feel like a fool, as if I cannot do any better than someone who's already been so committed with another girl). He never has to deal with this about me.I have heard multiple times from friends and read in multiple sources that past is just the past and he chose to be with me now. But I also cannot help but wonder if she never broke it off with him, will he still be with her? 5 year is a long time, were they thinking marriage? I know I cant blame him for not saving himself for me (cuz he cant read the future) and I cant blame him for having had that relationship, but I just cant get over the fact that I feel like it's unfair to me, almost to the point where (at times) i tell myself I can totally do better than this.I know its partly my pride but I think as a girl, you can fight for your pride and you can fight for what you think you deserve.What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2013): How would you feel if you and your boyfriend split up, then further down the line you met someone else who told you they didn't like the fact they couldn't 'do better' than someone who has had a previous boyfriend? Would you not feel they were being a bit unfair to you? It's very rare that you will find any man at age 23 who has not had any sort of past so this is really something you will need to accept or it will crop up time and again. Think of it this way - would you be happier thinking he had slept around loads before he met you, or knowing he is a one woman man who is looking for love and commitment?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2013): Hi, Im the anonymous writer who posted this question.CMMP, I dont think you're quite getting the picture. Not to sound so proud or anything, but I sacrificed dating the hottest guys that other girls drooled over, or the big names in college athletics (some even in the nfl now). I was definitely pursued by multiple guys that other girls would easily say yes to. But I didn't because I waited. I did my part in "saving up" no matter how little of a sacrifice you think that is. I also told my bf that I want to save it up for marriage and he didnt try very hard to respect that. Yes, I do feel bitter about losing it so easily (i realized how weak I really am) and its also my fault so I can't really only blame him.The main point of this post is that I feel like its unfair to me, NOT jealous of his ex or even necessarily comparing myself to her, but the fact that it's unfair that I almost have to kind of stoop low (i guess the extreme way is to think that "me and my clean slatehis history". Sacrificing my "firsts", reputation, time/future, etc when he doesnt necessarily have much to lose. Yes, it sounds proud but I didnt save myself up for nothing, a guy better be super special to deserve me (every woman should think that way).I guess my question is, do you think these thoughts/feelings will ever go away? I know 3 months is a very short time (but we spent almost everyday together within those 3 months..hung out A LOT). Will I ever get over it or do I not even have to (aka break up)?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (31 January 2013):
If you break up with him at 3 months you'll be used goods just like him. You'll also be a hypocrite because no "special" relationship lasts only 3 months.
Also if you had met the right guy a while ago you would have slept with him by your own admission. You boyfriend just met someone "special" before you did,that's all.
It's not like you waited until you got married so, no offense, but you're sacrifice (waiting for someone special) wasn't exactly huge.
There are so many flaws to your logic that I regret being on my cell phone so I could be more patient. But, the bottom line is that it's all in your head. There is absolutely no difference between the two of you. He merely found someone special earlier in life than you did. It's not like he was going around having sex with every one.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (31 January 2013):
 It sounds like you are going through a lot of firsts right now and you are discovering new and sort of scary feelings. You are finally putting yourself out there. You've obviously saved yourself for a special person and now that you have invested in someone, the thought that it may not work out, scares you.
Your relationship is still VERY new. 3 months, while it may sound like a lot of time, is really only a drop in the bucket. You are still discovering things about one another, both good and bad and there is no guarantee that the next 3 months are going to be better or worse than the first 3.
Yes, your boyfriend had many amazing experiences with his previous girlfriend. Given time, you too will have those experiences. Just be patient and let the relationship grow naturally.
Finally, stop comparing yourself to his previous girlfriend. He has chosen to be with you and if you feel as much attraction to him as he does you, then that should be all that matters. At the end of the day, only the Gabi Gossipers are going to be blabbing about it and you aren't living your life to appease them...
Also keep in mind that EVERYONE has a past. His past, at least to me, shows that he is a committed and kind boyfriend. Why would you begrudge him for being that?
Eddie
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