A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 4 yrs has lied to me many times over our rship but never actually cheated on me. he has carried on friendships with females behind my back and lied about who he is hanging out with. he maintains that it was never because he had feelings for the other girls, just that he felt like he couldnt tell me, he was worried i would get mad. i told him i would never get mad, but it makes me angry when he lies. and also, "people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing"- so why lie if it's completely innocent? he still says nothing bad happened, and that he had no feelings for any of them. im always very very brutally honest with him about everything. it hurts me that he cannot do the same for me. i am not an unreasonable person but i have become increasingly mistrusting and paranoid, always waiting for the next secret to come to the surface...this has been an ongoing problem for us, and because of it i have a very hard time trusting him. he has promised me that he will not lie to me ever again.how do i rebuild my trust in him? it is ruining our rship.thankyou.
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female
reader, korculan queen  +, writes (23 February 2008):
BIGGEST RED FLAG WARNING SIGN- HE LIES. If you catch him out on the most simple of lies then chances are your whole relationship is a lie. For him to say that he has been with other girls but nothing bad happened and he did not want to tell you because you would get angry is not a good sign. Ok let's break this statement down into parts and you will see. 1. HE HAS BEEN MEETING OTHER WOMEN BEHIND YOUR BACK. For what purpose other than to cheat.2.NOTHING BAD HAPPENED. Ok seeing as how he says he has no feelings for them to me spells out he is screwing them. That is not bad for HIM because he fufills HIS DESIRES. See nothing bad FOR HIM ANYWAY.3.DIDN'T WANT TO TELL YOU BECAUSE YOU WOULD GET ANGRY. Did not want you to know he was having sex with these women.In a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP there is trust and a sense of equality. He is hiding information from you because he knows that your non negotiable is cheating. In a healthy relationship there is no need for secrets and if there was nothing going on then he would have you go WITH HIM to meet these girls. He would show them that he is in a relationship with you. Does he take you out places where these girls frequent? Does he take you out to his friends places or anywhere in public for that matter? He is a player and basically he is keeping you on a string until something better comes along. You are too beautiful for that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): If you have been in this relationship for 4 years and you are not older than 21 as the info says up top there, then you have been in this relationship too long....especially as there is no trust here.....he has repeatedly lied to you and carried "friendships" with other women behind your back....it is very difficult for males and females of this age group to "just be friends" without a lot of effort.....and the fact that these are secret friendships means that he does not want them to know about you either, surely.
Dump this guy, he wants his cake and to eat it too...and this has been unhealthy for you, you surely don't sound happy and I bet you feel insecure about yourself as a woman to boot, this is not benefiting you in any way....it is time to fly free on your own without a boyfriend....you are too young too never have been truly single standing on your own two feet.....you probably don't even know you or what you want out of a relationship because you have not had the chance to date around and get to know different kinds of men and personalities.....you need to do this for yourself in my opinion so that you don't make a poor choice....and so you can build some self confidence.....if you had any you wouldn't put up with his lies.....kick him to the kurb.
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